I’ve been working on wedding planning…which let me say, is NOTHING like the Disney movies depicted. Snow White had it so freakin easy. Seven little men to boss around and she SLEPT through the whole planning process! She just woke up with her prince there!
Sign me up for hibernation until the honeymoon!
How do I make THAT happen? *waves magic wand*
…
Nothin. CRAP-A-KAZAM!
Well, Joe and I decided a long time ago we would not have a wedding party. A non-traditional, but more intimate, part of our day that I’m happy about. I like it that the only one I’m going to meet at the alter is him.
And let’s be honest, I’ve been in enough weddings to last me a great while, so I don’t need a bridal party to complete the day. I used to tell Joe I was going to write a book about us, and I would call it Every Role But the Bride because I’ve literally been EVERY ROLE but the bride: junior bridesmaid, maid of honor, bridesmaid, flower girl, officiant – in that order, no less. I know, it confuses me too.
Now I’ve taken to referring to our story as That Book About Us. It is our own. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Since I don’t have a swarm group of bridesmaids, and we’re still figuring out the details for other wedding necessities, I thought I’d break away for some fun by planning my virtual wedding party!
Jess’s Super Awesome Virtual Wedding Party
Officiant > Gene Lempp My longtime writing partner, beta reader, and best of all, friend, who I will always refer to as the “Writer Whisperer” because no one can talk down my spaz like Gene has to be the officiant because he sounds like Barry White. (I know, we’ve spoken on the phone.)
Matron of Honor > Marcia Richards My Redhots bestie who started up the Life List Club with me, is the most positive person I know, overcame cancer, and my favorite – lost her whole manuscript and sat her butt in the chair to REWRITE the whole thing because she cares about her work! We’ve never met in person, but we’ve chatted on the phone and sent care packages to one another for years. Two rules for you, Marcia: #1 – Do not mention Fifty Shades of Gray in your reception speech and #2 – Bring cookies.
Bridesmaids > Misty Laws I met Misty in the comments section of Renee Schuls-Jacobson’s blog, where we could’ve filled an entire blog with just our comments on the movie Singles. What more do you need to know to love this woman?
Renee Schuls-Jacobson Renee is one of those people who could spit on a page and it would come out being the most beautiful poem you’ve ever read. The girl is TALENTED! She’s going through a tough time right now, so send her lots of love and healing, because I want her to dance at my party!
Julie Glover Julie’s been my DFWcon roomie for two years, and I’m sad I won’t see her this year. I expect her to kick off karaoke at my bachelorette party.
Flower Woman > Diana Beebe I love making this lady laugh. I interrupt her often on Twitter re-making song lyrics to help her boost her word count. 😉
Wedding Planner > Jenny Hansen Let’s face facts. Jenny has an arsenal of decorating supplies and ribbon, so I’d be a fool not to take advantage of her skillz. Plus, can you IMAGINE the crazy things she’d bring to the bridal shower? I’m already blushing!
Caterer > Mark Petruska Mark and his wife, Tara, are both foodies. Plus, they live near Portland, which is Joe’s and my favorite city. I see voodoo donuts for everyone!
Photographer > Tameri Etherton And on the wedding day Tameri said “THERE SHALL BE BLING!”
Music > August McLaughlin I trust August with anything. She would play beautiful guitar ballads for our ceremony, but even if the airline lost her instrument, and all she had was a set of spoons off the buffet table, I know it would still make me cry. August, you should probably start practicing the spoons…just in case.
Dance Party > EVERYONE ELSE! Now that you’ve all learned how to successfully dance like Peanuts characters, let’s boogie!
Thanks for joining my virtual wedding party y’all!
Now show me those dance moves!
Jess Witkins' Happiness Project 
Ha! That is fabulous. And, I don’t know Marcia, but I can just imagine the virtual bridal shower that we all will plan for you. It will be EPIC. 😉
However, can I be a BridesMAID and still be married? Then again, I’ve never heard of a BridesMATRON, so I guess we’re good.
I’m honored to be (virtually) part of your big day!! Mazel Tov! And I agree about Renee . . . I hope she’s well enough to get her boogie shoes on for your wedding. At least she can virtually dance on the big day. 🙂
Seeing as you’re the only one here who’s actually met Joe, Misty, you should probably give the toast as well. Start drafting. 😉
What a great party! I take karaoke requests. What music should I put in the queue for the celebration? 😉
And I’m a little unnerved with imagining the blog post Jenny Hansen would do: Undies Chronicles Goes to Jess’s Bridal Shower.
I’m sure your wedding will be wonderful! To be honest, my wedding was, um, not perfect. But it was still a hit in my book, because I walked away with the right guy. Which is always the most important part. Well, that and Charlie Brown dance, of course.
I would like to hear some Dolly Parton please and thank you. Followed immediately by AC/DC. You work out the transition.
And um, we’re all wearing masks and hats at Jenny’s bridal shower right? Otherwise, what will my mother say?!
I Will Always Love You…Because You Shook Me All Night Long. Got it.
Bahahahahahahaha!
Brilliant!
Your virtual wedding sounds as fabulous as your real wedding will be! I hate that I’m not going to get to see that smiling face of yours this year. HUGS
I’m going to miss you too! I hereby put you in charge of party favors. Shall we say footballs for the boys and My Little Ponies for the gals? 😉
By wedding party, I thought you meant an actual “party” to celebrate your wedding. Which seemed like an important thing to keep in place. But now that I realize you’re referring to bridesmaids and groomsmen, I like your “just Joe and I at the altar” plan much better. Tara and I kept things simple and low-key, and had the time of our lives. I’m sure you will, too!
Thanks Mark! We’ll have to plan a trip to Portland in the next year or so and all have an anniversary get together. We could get geoduck! Joe and I would both try it.
But um, maybe don’t serve that at the wedding, ok?
Love this, Jess! And I will definitely vote for keeping the wedding simple. Just include what really matters to the two of you, because as Julie says, the most important part is that you walk away with your guy!!
I agree! Thanks for the vote of confidence! Everyone always has their opinion of what a wedding is supposed to be, so I really appreciate the people that focus on helping the couple pick what’s important to them.
Thanks for dancing! 😉
I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am to be your Matron of Honor!!! I know how to be prim and proper but I don’t believe you really want that. Can I wear my leathers? I’ll get them in whatever color the virtual bridesmaids are wearing. My speech, hmm, okay I won’t quote 50 Shades but my wedding gift might be inspired by the trilogy. In my speech, I’ll just go all “surrogate mom” on you. How’s that? No? Okay, then how about just your Redhot bestie…inspirational and sexy advice for a long and healthy marriage…no whips or handcuffs involved…unless you really want them.
Love you to pieces, Jess. Can’t wait for the fun to begin!
LOL Look at you go! If you lived closer I can only image what you + Pinterest would come up with. Thanks Marcia!
This is going to be the best wedding ever! I absolutely will bring bling and take awe-mazing pictures of everyone. Even when they aren’t expecting it! Mwuahahahaaaa! Then I’ll throw some glitter on them and everyone will be happy.
So funny, when I was reading your blurb about Marcia and got to the part ‘we’ve never met’ I thought, “I’ve met her!” but then remembered I actually haven’t. It just feels like we’ve hung out together forever. She’s special that way. Love me some Marcia!
Thank you so much for including me in the wedding bash. I can’t wait for the party!
Well I needed someone to bring the glitz and glamor to this shindig!
Marcia is a keeper, but at least we can say WE’VE met! 🙂
Jess, that is PERFECT! I planned my own wedding and honeymoon in about 4 hours (including reservations) so I’ve totally got you covered.
And the undergarments….oh, the undergarments…
*kisses fingertips*
*waves hello to rest of amazing fabulous wedding party*
P.S. The Hubs and I didn’t have any attendants either.
*waves back* Did I hear something about panties?!? I suddenly want to get married again.
Jenny, have you done a post on bridal lingerie? Lol
Thassss right!!
Good to know, Jenny, since the venue charges by the hour.
Now…you behave yourself. The phrase #undieselfie better not trend at my party!
Oh my gosh. Jenny would make the best wedding planner! And who could ever beat Marcia as your MOA? In fact, I dig your choices all around.
I’m so honored by the lovely words about my spooning–I mean crooning! 😉 Seriously, you are SO SWEET. I’ll definitely be practicing! *hugs*
I’ll see if we can lend you a slide whistle too. Spare no expense!
Woo hoo!
Congratulations on a wonderful virtual wedding! It was so Cinderella turns into a princess Jess! I couldn’t have picked better peeps for your ceremony. This is what dreams are made of. In reality, you and Joe are focused on the more important things. Yourselves. You and Joe are what matters and no one else. It’s your special day and one that you will remember for the rest of your life. Enjoy each and every second! 🙂
Thank you Karen. Like Kassandra, it means a lot to me to hear our priorities are in the right place.
Save me a dance!
Flowers! Yay! I’m your Flower Woman. I love that!
I’m really honored to be part of your virtual wedding party. I wish you and Joe much happiness.
So, am I bringing all the flowers (and there will be flowers)? Or, am I more like a Flower Girl but not four?
LOL
I’ll do both! 😀 Thanks, Jess!
Hahaha you pick! I trust you. You can help come up with karaoke requests for Julie too. 🙂
Considering that I’ve already mastered the Charlie Brown moves, and dance like a Muppet the rest of the time, I feel like I’m the perfect guest at this wedding, no? 🙂
You are most welcome. And could you also photoshop pictures of me with famous actors to hang around the reception hall. “This is Jess when she met Harrison Ford!” 😀
Sounds like a Jess slideshow needs to happen. 🙂
OMG. That’d be so crazy. Maybe my bachelorette party can have a Hey Girl meme. Ha!
Jess, I love that it’s just going to be you and Joe. Somehow that sounds perfect. But your virtual wedding party is “da bomb”. What a group! I’m getting out my boogie shoes because I would not want to miss that party! Have fun with the rest of your planning.
Get down with your bad self, Patricia! Moves like that will make Tameri crack out the glow sticks!
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