Five Reasons to Fall In Love With #StitchFix

I’m in love with Stich Fix. The delightful in home personal stylist company that sends five items picked just for you each month.

I blogged about them before when I first signed up.

Since then, I’ve received a dozen fixes and have so much fun seeing what’s inside each box.

15536165707_21e4b6d04e_z (1)For Newbies: 

Stitch Fix is a personal styling business that sends a box of handpicked items just for you each month (or less if you prefer) for the cost of $20/month.

Using a style profile you fill out, their expert team of stylists hand select items for you based on your preferences and notes to your stylist.

You don’t pay any shipping to or from. And your $20 styling fee goes toward any items you wish to purchase. If you keep them all, you get 25% off the box!

Pretty sweet, right?

You can sign up here using my referral link. 

Love it? Refer your friends and get a $20 credit for each person that signs up!

Not convinced? 

Here are five reasons I think you should try out Stitch Fix.

(And no, they’re not paying me to do so. I just really like this company.) 

1. Your stylist WANTS you to love your fix.

My first 6 fixes or so had a different stylist each time. But after I got a fix from Alix, I was hooked. She has been styling for me ever since. She pays great attention to my notes – which I make specific to help guide her. And she checks out my pinterest board for more inspiration on what looks I like. I have kept more items because she pulls colors and details I like. By pinning things of Stitch Fix’s profile, I’ve also received some of the items in my shipments.

Like this pom pom scarf.

Like this pom pom scarf.

And this tank top.

And this tank top.

2. Avoid malls, fitting rooms, and try things on with what you already own!

If malls and fitting rooms overwhelm you, or you often suffer from buyer’s remorse. Stitch Fix could be a great solution for you. When your shipment arrives, you get 3 days to try stuff on – AND DO TRY IT ALL ON! And since you’re at home, you can mix and match the items they send you with what you already own to see various looks and feel good about your purchases.

And bonus, you’re stylist also sends you style cards with two looks for each item she sends you. This will give you tips for how to wear the looks and what colors are great to coordinate with it.

I nabbed this lace kimono top and dressed up a basic tee and print scarf.

I nabbed this lace kimono top and dressed up a basic tee and print scarf.

3. Feel pampered.

Everyone deserves to feel good about their wardrobe and that it expresses their unique style. I love that Stitch Fix feels like a treat. The items are packaged neatly and their customer service is exceptional. I had one bad fix that was not my style at all. I left detailed notes about why the items weren’t right me and I immediately got an email apologizing and thanking me for my feedback. I was not turned off and found my next fix much improved.

Plus on the style cards you receive, your stylist also writes you a personal note. I love that Alix always refers to the events I have coming up and how she picked out pieces to wear for them. Makes me feel like I am shopping with a good friend.

15469656661_0bc7f1b558_z

Here’s how beautiful the fixes come wrapped and one of my style cards.

4. Find unique pieces for your wardrobe.

I grew up in a small town, and even now, there is one mall where everyone shops. It’s nice to have some unique pieces in your closet that you won’t have to worry about someone else showing up in the same thing. I tend to ask for workwear in my fixes and I love the bright colors and unique prints my stylist sends me.

This bright magenta top has lace sleeves making it fun and romantic with jeans but easily dressed up with black pants or a skirt for work.

This bright magenta top has lace sleeves making it fun and romantic with jeans but easily dressed up with black pants or a skirt for work.

Pardon my headless horseman shot. LOL - But this tank and skirt came from Stitch Fix. The tank has lace detail on the back and shoulders and the skirt is a navy and cream comfy knit but very dressy for work.

Pardon my headless horseman shot. LOL – But this tank and skirt came from Stitch Fix. The tank has lace detail on the back and shoulders and the skirt is a navy and cream comfy knit but very dressy for work.

5. They are great social media friends.

I follow Stitch Fix on multiple platforms. Their blog has great style tips for every season and occasion. They share what’s new on Pinterest and Instagram. They tweet back to clients when you write about your fix. And they have a photo contest every friday where you can enter to win a Stitch Fix credit. Just tag your photo with #StitchFixFriday!

Here is one of my #StitchFixFriday photo submissions. The sweater and jeans were in my fix.

Here is one of my #StitchFixFriday photo submissions. The sweater and jeans were in my fix.

*****

What are you waiting for? The most you can lose is $20.
Give Stitch Fix a try

*****

Want to see what else came in my fix? Here are a few of my fave fix items.

photo 1 (9) photo 2 (8) photo 4 (6)

Happy fixing! Be sure to send me pics of your first fix so I can seeeeeee!

What is your most dire wardrobe need?
Mine was shorts. Why do they make them all so… so short? ;)

Top Five Things I’ve Learned About Married Life

Break out the champagne and candles! We’ve been married for one year!

DSC_0201

I know it’s hard to fathom. Two youngest children forced to play nice together. Most odds would have us laying tape lines around the house, each sticking to our respective sides. Or at the very least, using a conch shell to determine whose turn it is to talk.

“Sucks to your assmar!”

But we’ve managed to co-habitate with relatively little violence and debauchery.

(In case you’re wondering, the violence is from our new set of kitchen knives. Every time Joe uses them, he manages to cut himself. Either those knives are sharper than a Lady Bic throwaway razor or Joe has the skin of a flower petal.)

In contemplating our one year anniversary, it occurred to me there were many learning lessons along the way.

Top Five Things I’ve Learned About Married Life

1. Simply Being a Wife Does Not Make You More Domestic

I admire those women who are able to keep perfect households where everything matches and dinner is on the table at 6. When we first got married, we needed to buy a couch. One year later, we still need to buy a couch. And Joe does all the cooking. I am, however, an exceptional take out orderer.

2. Being a Wife Does Not Make You More Medically Intelligent 

You know how some women just know all these natural, home remedies for how to fix everything? They can cure fevers and soothe upset stomachs with nothing but a nail file and a half a lemon. (I don’t know if that’s what they actually use, I told you I’m not one of them!) My husband once suffered a sneezing fit, and I treated it like the hiccups.

“Hold still, and I’ll come out and SCARE you!”

3.  Some Decor Ideas Do Not Find Compromise

You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Bruno Kirby and Carrie Fisher are arguing over whether or not a wagonwheel coffee table goes in the living room or not. Well, I’m Carrie Fisher in that scenario, and it doesn’t.

4. All Those Times You Blamed Your Roommate, It Was in Fact Your Spouse

If you and your spouse ever shared living quarters with a roommate, you may have bonded over a mutual frustration with said roommate’s bad habits. Now that said roommate is gone, you may have discovered your spouse has extremely similar bad habits as your roommate once did. What are the odds? 

5. Date Night is Still a Thing

You may think by “putting a ring on it,” you’re work is over. The reverse is true. Married life requires more creativity, more compassion, and more commitment. And this is where I publicly thank Joe for creating the #Appetour date night – wherein we hop from stop to stop in town and enjoy a drink and/or appetizer, maybe some live music, and then head to the next place.

Side note* If your spouse leaves you to play on stage, they pay for the next round. It’s not technically in our vows, but now I’ve got witnesses. 

So thank you, Joe, for that last date night. It was most enjoyable.

*****

What are some lessons about love you’ve learned, whether married or not? 

Do you think we’ve earned our paper anniversary?
Maybe I’ll print this post out and put it in an envelope for Joe. <3

And, you can relive the magic from Our Big Fat Secret Greek Wedding.
Or hear us sing “Home” from our stateside ceremony
below. Enjoy!

Monday Mashup: The Pee Your Pants Edition

photo (2)

Road trippin in style. Starbucks + Audiobook = the Good Life!

Hello my little Lulubells! 

(Did you know that’s what my mother calls me? How embarrassing.) 

I’m playing hooky and off at a writer’s retreat in Madison this week. Random tweets and awkward photos soon headed your way! (soooo, there’s THAT to look forward to.) ;)

To keep you company, I’ve compiled some of my favorite funny posts from the month. Happy reading!

(OMG, I can hear you SNORT from here!)

*****

Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess is dealing with Mother Nature in her post, Texas is Trying to Kill Us. Worth a read just to find out what a fox scream sounds like. But there are also mountain lions and howler monkeys and power outages.

The Bloggess gets a second nod this mashup because of Turning Into a Cat Lady Literally. Literally the greatest reason for photoshop right here.

Aussa Lorens of Hacker. Ninja. Hooker. Spy. is married now, and that means she can blog about sex without judgement! It’s well worth the wait. Feast your eyes on these hilarious tips for setting the mood.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the germ-infested kids who eat mud on their bread. My pal, Andrea Culletto, blogs about the perils of dinnertime and getting her kids to wash their hands in Ew. Gross. 

Darla from She’s A Maineiac hates Twitter. Which is sad, because I love Twitter. However her fake tweets in Tales of a Twitter Nothing are pretty fantastic. I think she should actually tweet them. LOL

Kristen Lamb – buttkicker of writers and social media guru – tells it like it is in You Might Be a Writer If

There’s no such thing as stupid questions, but Jenny Hansen has some useless ones for you in Squirrel Underpants and Other Useless Links.

Julie Heiss Scagell is blogging at The Indie Chicks with The Most Annoying Things Your Co-Workers Say. We all know someone who says these phrases. Heck, it might even be you! Stop it already.

From the writer behind This Is Not That Blog comes the enchanting stick figure run down of what happens when you’re trapped in unnecessary small talk with a stranger, Good News for People Who Hate Boring News.

Because this is the Pee Your Pants Edition, ever been intercom’d while literally peeing in a public bathroom? Meet Susie and her Insane Circumstance.

And lastly, because I too kind of hate bicycles, I leave you with I Need a Bicycle Like a Fish Needs a Man by Barbara from the cleverly named blog, And By That I Mean Vagina. Fuck bicycles. There, I said it.

Happy reading everyone! 

“Laughter is an instant vacation.” ~ Milton Berle

Recalculating: Our Overnight Hotel Stay at the Don Q Inn

When your husband offers to take you on a road trip for the weekend, you say yes.

At least that’s what I did. After all, weekends where the two of us aren’t working are rare. He said something to me like “blah blah blah… ‘travel,’ ‘wine,’ …blah blah blah ‘bookstore’…”

I don’t know, that’s all I listened to.

We hit the road after work on Friday and stopped in a small town for book and music store perusal. We spent longer in the music store which must’ve been the “blah blah blah” part I tuned out.

But all was well when we stopped for dinner at an amazing farm to table cafe and gorged ourselves on charcuterie, fine cheeses, and prime rib.

And we checked out a winery as well.

Vernon collage

We were unsure of what city we would stay the night in. There were a few in between our route that would have sufficed and we figured we’d just hotwire it – as in, use hotwire.com to find a cheap hotel, not actually hotwire someone else’s vehicle.

And that’s when I hit the jackpot.

Behold…the Don Q Inn!

Don Q Inn

That’s right, my little travel munchkins. I scored us a room at the Don Q Inn – Fantasy Suites of Your Dreams Hotel!

Joe was quite impressed with my knowledge and know-how of working the internet to find the most bizarre place for us to stay the night.

Let’s discuss the available amenities at the Don Q Inn, shall we? 

If you’re in the mood to wander a retired Boeing C-97 airplane that once flew in the Korean War and once was used in a car commercial with none other than Farrah Fawcett, you’re in luck!

The Don Q Inn has just such an airplane!

Boeing C97

And let’s face it, it makes the hotel incredibly easy to find from the road. 

Climb aboard and experience what years of abandonment and hopscotch patterns of bird poo smell like! Admittance is FREE!

Boeing C97-front

Joe inside the plane

inside the boeing C97

The Don Q Inn offers rooms designed to fill your deepest fantasies. Want to sleep in Sherwood Forest? You can! Rent a room with the bed nestled between real tree trunks!

Wondered what it’d be like to sleep in a hot air balloon? You can! Complete with accompanying cd of sound effects!

Perhaps you’re a traditionalist and want a heart shaped bed from Cupid. There’s a room for you too!

Extra bonus – many rooms come with their own whirlpool made out of copper cheese vats! Sure to impress your lover.

Standard rooms are available, each with their own eccentricities. Ours for example, had carpet on the walls and a giant cupboard that wouldn’t open where I think the zombies live.

Because we booked on hotwire, we didn’t get a fantasy room, but Joe – if you’re reading this – we have an anniversary coming up, and I think you know what I want. ;)

Act fast and book your fantasy suite now! (Inquiring minds always want to know what you’d pick, so do share your favorite room theme in the comments! Or better yet, design your own! … Though, how will you top personal cheese vats?)

If, like us, you only have a short while to stay, may I suggest exploring the interior of the hotel.

hotel lobby

The lobby is filled with vintage furniture and board games. Relax around the fireplace drum in a pick-your-own barbershop chair!

For the more adventuresome, you can explore the hotel’s 300 foot underground tunnel.

the tunnel

There are few things more romantic than a long musty walk through an unmarked, underground, low-lit, damp tunnel.

I like to outdo myself though, so I recited some of my favorite motivational quotes to Joe. You might know this one by Gollum.

“We’ll takes ’em to the tunnel, Precious. She can do it. She’s always hungry. She always needs to feed.”

It was a delightful surprise to learn that the tunnel, in fact, leads to a bar!

bar scene

Our last minute stay at the exotic Don Q Inn was all too brief. The staff was very kind and helpful. And there’s clearly more to explore here. I for one, would go back.

What would you explore first? The fantasuite? The plane? The tunnel?
Meet me in the bar and tell all! ;)
Happy traveling, road trippers! 

Zen and the Art of Teeth Whitening

Drooling onto my keyboard is not what I had in mind when the dentist gave me the teeth whitening trays to take home. Oh well.

Have you been to a dentist lately? I recently went after a two year hiatus. I was positive I had a cavity because there’s a dark spot on one of my back molars. Turns out, my tooth is just dirty! That sure made me feel better. Almost as good as that time my chiropractor told me I am deformed or when the ER doctor laughed at my face injury.

Teeth WhiteningI was in the market for a new dentist, since I hadn’t gone in forever and my insurance had changed. I settled on a business that I heard about through the radio. They advertised free teeth whitening for life for all new clients. Sounded like a good deal to me.

My how dentist offices have changed. I remember when you had to come prepared, teeth brushed and flossed before your appointment, no food or drink. I walked into this office and they offered me coffee and free wi-fi. Um, I’m good for now, but can I come back tomorrow just to write in your lobby? 

Their bathroom was full of not only toothpaste and toothbrushes, but hair products and lotion too.

When the dental hygienist came to get me, she gave me a tour of the whole agency. I saw all the offices and the cleaning centers and the “sterilization station.” And then I was asked to stand underneath a contraption for X-rays that I fully believe was a spaceship.

The hygienist asked me to step forward and underneath a large gray and yellow space shuttle. I had to bite down onto a marker while three prongs lowered over my head and clamped down. Then a side panel started whirring around my skull really fast.

“Will I be flying somewhere?” I asked.

“Oh no,” she laughed. “But I can see why you would think so.”

You and I both know that thing was a spaceship, and I was probed, G-dammit. 

When we got to the room where she would clean my teeth she handed me a “spa card.” That’s actually what they called it. I had the option to watch a TV in the ceiling, use headphones for music, and request a blanket and neck pillow!

Tell me again that I WON’T be needing my passport for this. 

Both the hygienist and the doctor let me check out my X-rays, which was both fascinating and disturbing. I have a newfound respect for my sinus cavities now that I’ve seen them on a computer screen. And I could see her marking off teeth that I no longer had on a separate chart. I don’t have any wisdom teeth and several others have “gone to pasture” as well. I think she was a little freaked when I told her I’d had a total of nine teeth pulled.

“That’s a lot,” she said.

“Well, you know what they say, big teeth, big talkers. Had to get some pulled to get a word in edge-wise.” I joked. “It’s a family thing, really, we all have giant teeth and not enough space for them. I’m grateful. The tooth fairy was my main source of income for years!”

I’m lucky I had a hygienist with a sense of humor.

Anyway, I came out of my appointment with a good report card. I wanted to get my picture taken and put up on the “No Cavity Wall,” but there seemed to be an issue about my age. That’s fine. I’ll bring my own crown and a selfie stick next time. #GrillOnFleek

Since my mouth probing went well, I qualified for their teeth whitening package and went home with 5 kits. I’m willing to believe there’s a learning curve with these things. I’d give myself a 7 out of 10 for technique, and an 8.5 for style. I inserted the upper and lower plastic trays filled with the whitening strips and made the smooching face I was told to make in order to adhere them to my teeth. I was not anticipating the frothiness and goo-factor of the strips and now regret trying to type this as drool falls on my keyboard. But it’s ok, I too have a “sterilization station” in my house.

Been to the dentist lately? What was your trip like?

Authors Anonymous: My Most Stupidest Act as a Writer

I have always wanted to be a writer. Sure there were passing ideas about being a translator for the United Nations, a spy, and a voiceover artist, but through all those fleeting occupation plans, I’ve wanted to be a writer.

I think the first story I ever wrote was called ‘Fluffy the Cat,’ and it was about a cat named Fluffy. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right, I did show talent early on. You can call me gifted, I don’t mind.

When we start out as little baby writers, we emulate the authors we know and love. I went through phases where I wrote like Dr. Seuss and Cicely Mary Barker (the author/illustrator of all those Flower Fairy poems), Sylvia Plath and Peggy Hong. When I found Adrienne Rich’s The Fact of a Doorframe, it became my Bible. My copy is full of post-it tabs and the binding is broken. I wrote like 20 papers on her in college.

Somewhere along our writer journey, we’re supposed to take the lessons we’ve learned from other authors and infuse them with our own process. I may have taken that first bit too literally. 17152401969_93d951142f_z

I know all of us make stupid decisions while in high school, but I made really stupid decisions in high school. For example, I thought a stellar look for my first homecoming dance would be to have my friend’s mom make me a renaissance outfit using gray and lavender plaid flannel fabric for the skirt. Who thinks of flannel for a formal dance? This girl. But this isn’t a post about fashion, it’s about writing. And I’m going to confess my most stupidest act as a writer. Are you ready for this?

My Most Stupidest Act as a Writer

I cheated on my boyfriend. I see some of you are confused. I can explain. I truly believed, in the deep down pit of my soul, that I did what I did because I thought it would make me a better writer. Pretty stupid, huh?

I was reading all these books about forbidden romances and free love and I was talking about them with someone I thought was a friend. I trusted her when she gave me advice. I know now, I was pretty much just a form of entertainment for her. She could live vicariously through me because I was the one making bad choices, hurting others’ feelings without any regard. How I wish I hadn’t been so naive.

Of course I’m sad that someone I thought was my friend didn’t talk a lick of sense into me, but ultimately this was my mistake. I believed the only way I could write like all these other authors I loved was to “experience everything.” Did the pain I caused my boyfriend make me a better writer? No. Of course not. Did it make me a better person? I hope so. I sure as hell would never put anyone through that kind of pain again, and as karma would have it, I felt what it was like personally a few years later. I don’t condemn all cheaters. People do what they do for all sorts of reasons. But thinking it would make them a better writer? Yah, if I hadn’t fooled myself into thinking that, I wouldn’t understand it.

So there you have it. My confession. My dirty little secret. I’m not proud of it. But I often wonder if the life lesson overall wasn’t worth it. I learned what it means to hurt someone, I learned what it means to be hurt by a friend. I don’t think it helped me with craft or editing, but it helped remind me I’m human. I will make mistakes – foolish ones I won’t believe I did. But I will try better next time.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in the name of writing? I bet it’s not as stupid as mine.

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 Books I’m Excited to Read This Summer

17171077834_09debe83c4_zI’ve been a total bibliophile lately, or what some might call a bibliomaniac. Thanks to The Amusing Muse for crowning me with that literary title! Ever since, I’ve been singing “I’m a maniac, maaaaniac on the floor! And I’m reading books like never before!” 

Today is another round of Top Ten Tuesday, the weekly themed book list hosted by the peeps over at The Broke and the Bookish. Today’s theme is a freebie, so I’m creating my list of must reads for the summer.

I’ve read 7 out of 10 books on my spring ‘to be read’ list which isn’t bad in less than 3 months time. My favorite thus far has to be Wildalone by Krassi Zourkova. Fans of magical realism and mythology will love this one. I’m also super excited to let you all know that Krassi will be joining us on The Happiness Project in the near future, so stay tuned! She’s amazing! And I saw her doppelganger the other day outside a coffee shop and almost chased her down. (I didn’t. But only because a friend stopped me.) I’m very pleased to welcome the real Krassi Zourkova here soon.

I’m halfway through my To Be Read Pile Challenge hosted by Adam at Roof Beam Reader. I need to write two updates yet though. Oops. How are you all doing on your must read lists?

Time to get reading!

Top 10 Books I’m Excited to Read This Summer

1. Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress: Tales of Growing Up Groovy and Clueless by Susan Jane Gilman

I’m back on my humorous memoir kick. I’m devouring any women writers I can find and I picked this one up recently at an indie bookstore. Can’t beat “a funny and poignant collection of true stories about women coming of age that for once isn’t about finding a date.”

2. Dietland by Sarai Walker

The feminist in me can’t wait to pick up a copy of Dietland. The premise is a young woman dealing with body shame who gets entwined with a radical female group called the “Jennifers” that terrorizes mainstream society and its social constructs for women. Yes please, I need to know more.

3. Listen to Your Mother by Ann Imig

A collection of essays based off the critically acclaimed stage performances, Listen to Your Mother encompasses tales of all aspects of motherhood. I can’t wait to read the ups and downs and learning lessons inside as well as support several friends who have participated on stage!

4. I Don’t Care About Your Band: Lessons Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated by Julie Klausner

I can’t help it. I married a musician. This title makes me laugh.

(Note* I DO in fact care about my husband’s band, but I don’t get to as many shows as he’d like, so no doubt he thinks this is true.) 

5. Looking for Alaska by John Green

I’ve started reading this one and fans of Catcher in the Rye and Rule of the Bone will like it. Miles “Pudge” Halter is off to boarding school. He meets the illusive and mesmerizing Alaska Young and becomes entranced. His life is about to change.

6. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

This title is on everyone’s ‘to read’ list, and I’m joining the bandwagon. Set in the Great Lakes region, Station Eleven is the tale of a misfit troupe of actors traveling the countryside and performing in ramshackle towns. Disease has wiped out much of the population, and many are living a nomadic life. How does art survive here?

7. Listen to the Squawking Chicken: When Mother Knows Best, What’s a Daughter To Do? A Memoir (Sort Of) by Elaine Lui

You gotta love a mother who starts the conversation with “Where’s my money?” Based on parts of her blog, Elaine Lui elaborates on her mother-daughter relationship with her mom, known as “The Squawking Chicken.”

8. Don’t Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids by Leanne Shirtliffe

Author and blogger of Ironic Mom, I’ve had Leanne’s book on my to read pile for awhile. I also purchased her children’s book, The Change Your Name Store, for my niece this year. It is delightful and I can’t wait to dive into her memoir about her time raising twins as an expat and more!

9. Yes Please by Amy Poehler

As a fan of Bossypants by Tina Fey, I needed to pick up her partner in crime’s equally hilarious book. From her early school days of playing Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz to how she upped her improv game, Amy dishes it out and talks about her new motto, “Yes, please!”

10. Is My Crazy Showing? by Leigh Baker

Surviving a mental breakdown and stint in a hospital, Leigh Baker shares the tumultuous journey of finding one’s way and creating your own family. Shout out to Beth Teliho for recommending this one to me!

What’s on your summer must read list? I’m always willing to make it a Top Twenty! ;)

Is That Weird? – Shit I Did as a Kid

Image-1I know I look innocent. But underneath the red hair and camera-ready smile lurks the mind of a madwoman.

Do you ever think back to all the weird stuff you did as a kid and go, “How did my parents NOT sell me to the gypsies?”

I grew up watching Heidi, so that was a viable threat in my house. And believe me, my siblings sure tried!

I was a weird kid. I mean the complete opposite of the well-rounded, well-mannered adult you find here at the Happiness Project.

*crickets*

Just roll with it, ok guys? I’m trying to be well-rounded and well-mannered. Some of us just have to work harder than others.

Anyway, I was a weird kid. And for your amusement, I’ve compiled a list of examples. Feel free to chime in with a “I’ve done that too!” or “That’s the work of a completely sane person!” while reading.

Shit I Did as a Kid

1) One time I was mad at my mom for something I can’t remember so I stabbed a big hole in the dining room tablecloth with a letter opener. 

This took me months of tooth fairy money to pay back. Can you imagine praying your teeth would fall out just so you could get debt free with your ma?

2) I really liked to cut the hair off my Barbie dolls, but I knew my mom would yell at me if she saw, so I hid the hair in her JC Penney’s catalog. 

Ok, first, that was a stupid hiding place because she read that thing cover to cover. And second, hindsight is 20/20. Yes, I think opening up a shopping magazine only to have a bunch of hair fall in your lap is creepy as shit, but I was like six or seven so I just picked the largest catalog under the coffee table and shoved it in.

3) I was really into pen pals and wrote letters to our priest by dropping them in the collection basket at church. 

See, I’ve redeemed myself a little from #2 haven’t I?

4) I set a small patch of our living room carpet on fire by testing if kleenex was flammable. 

It is.

5) My favorite thing to be when playing “pretend” was an orphan. 

Orphans and underdogs were my heroes, and most of them could talk to animals, so I thought it sounded pretty good.

6) I was scared to go into our basement alone because I thought E.T. lived there, and I didn’t like his “sausage fingers.”

Go google image search “E.T. phone home” and look at those phalanges. They’re creepy.

7) It’s quite possible one of my Cabbage Patch Dolls has mold growing inside it, but I refused to let my mother take it from me. 

My baby Cabbage Patch, whose name was Adelle Patti, but I couldn’t pronounce Adelle at the time, so we always called her Patti developed some weird greenish grayish spots on her baby powder-scented head. I think my sister wanted us to send the doll in and see if they would “fix” her, but she was my favorite, and no one was getting near her.

8) I cut off the tip of my right index finger when I was three by sticking it in that thingy you use to hold screen doors open.

It’s still one of the only times my dad ever swore.

9) I really liked talking with different accents and voices, and I practiced them by reading out loud, alternating my voice with each page. 

To be fair, I did this when I was home alone, so I wasn’t bothering anyone.

10) When I couldn’t sleep at night, I would close my eyes then lift my eyelids up. Then when I opened my eyes, the lids make a clicking noise. 

One of my nieces does this now. My sister was telling me about how her daughter made these weird noises with her eyes, and I was like “You mean this?” And she was all “OMG! Yes, that’s disgusting.”

So tell me, is that weird?
You do these things too, don’t you? 

Want more shit I did as a kid? Want more awkward and funny stories? Want more signs I have no shame?

Then vote for me as Funniest Blog in The Indie Chicks’ Badass Blog Awards! Polls are open through Friday, and every vote (you get one a day) counts!

Oh, and please put in a good word for the illustrious August McLaughlin, author and radio host of the #GirlBoner series. She’s up for Best Blunt Blog and totally worthy.

voteforme1_360.png

I’m a Finalist for the Badass Blog Awards! Vote for Me Please!

Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?

Because you folks are awesome, I am a finalist in The Indie Chicks‘ Badass Blog Awards!

I love writing for The Indie Chicks and I love writing for all of you. You’re my people. They say you find your people in carnivals college, and that’s partially true, but my people are also here – online. We’re a community, an online family. We band together around face injuries, good books to read, and poop stories and I couldn’t love you all more for it.

Thank you.

Here’s the scoop for the Indie Chicks’ 3rd Annual Badass Blog Awards. I’m a finalist in the category of Funniest Blog. Voting for all finalists goes on this week, Monday – Friday, and you can vote once every day. Sooo basically this is like American Idol for bloggers.

voteforme1_360.png

If you want to see me win Funniest Blogger, head on over to vote for me by clicking here, or click the button above. And you can do it once a day – it’s like remembering to take fish oil, annoying but good for you! I would be extremely honored if you made my blog your fish oil. Ok, that was a bad example of why you would like my blog, but please do it anyway. You rock! And also do take fish oil, it does make your heart healthy.

Thanks for being so awesome everyone!

What if I Turn Into…My Parents?

Are you guilty of making age demands of yourself? You know the ambiguous “Before I turn 30, I will…” kind of to-do list. I am.

Hello, my name is Jess, and I thought I’d be famous before I was 30. I suffer from delusions of grandeur and I’m sorry.

I blame Anne of Green Gables. I daydreamed that I was going to be a visionary of my time, and all anyone knows me for is an ad about baking powder…

You know what I mean.

I made a few too many expectations of myself and where I’d be in life by the time I turned 30. The big 3-0 is just six months away and I’m radically looking at my goals and having to rewrite them. Which is, to say the least, disheartening. But it needed to happen. I know that now.

As I’m reevaluating where I’m going and where I’ve come from, a scary thought crossed my mind. What if I turn into…my parents?

DSCN0259

This is them. Note, the matching polos. I REFUSE to wear a polo shirt. Ever. 

I’m serious, you guys. What if I start gifting my friends with bottles of free butt soap instead of actually going shopping for them? (my dad)

What if I start wearing sneakers so white the coast guard asks me to stop interfering with their light house schedule? (my mom and dad)

What if I start writing letters to people and fill them with grammar notes? (like my mom)

What if I start eating one bite of a fun size candy bar and I’m still eating the same candy bar days later? (like my dad)

Where will it end?

I mean none of you are gonna read a blog about arthritis and egg shell infused gardening dirt. Are you? I need to know because it could come to that.

Am I having a quarter-life crisis? This is just a quarter-life crisis, isn’t it?

But what if I’m older than a quarter-life crisis? Is this a pre-mid-life-post-quarter-life crisis? What do I do in case of emergency?

Do I need to get into the basement? Does this require a transistor radio? I know what my mother would do. She’d put pillows in all the windows so when the glass breaks it won’t gouge out my eyes.

At least I’ll have time to edit my to do list.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the basement.
I’ve got one bag of fun size Snickers bars,
so I’m guessing I can survive the next 30 years.

What was your irrational goal before 30?

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,179 other followers

%d bloggers like this: