With over 50 song recommendations shared by you through social media, I had a lot of listening to do. I was introduced to some great new bands and awesome jams. Like the rest of you, I was happy to see 2020 come to a close. Even if 2021 isn’t starting out too differently, it’s nice to at least dance to something new in your pj’s.
With so many suggestions across music styles and genres, it’s always hard to choose. Not every song can make the list. But here are the 2020 playlists to send y’all out in style.
Phenomenal Woman Mix
- Always Alright ~ Alabama Shakes
2. Higher ~ Bishop Briggs
3. Kids Gloves ~ Serena Ryder
4. Every Heartbeat ~ Grace Potter
5. Pastime ~ Samantha Crain
6. Love Me Wild ~ Hannah Blaylock
7. Family Tree ~ Caylee Hammack
8. No Roots ~ Alice Merton
9. A Beautiful Noise ~ Alicia Keys & Brandi Carlile
10. Ride Out in the Country ~ Yola
11. Underdog ~ Alicia Keys
12. Remind Me ~ Emily King
13. Please Mr Jailer ~ Nancy and Beth
14. So Far Away ~ Mary Lambert
15. The Let Go ~ Elle King
16. You are Unstoppable ~ Conchita Wurst
17. Young and In Love ~ Ingrid Michaelson
18. Invisible ~ Zara Larsson
- If the World was Ending ~ JP Saxe & Julia Michaels
2. Slow Dance ~ John Legend
3. Every Now and Then ~ Noisettes
4. Home Again ~ Michael Kiwanuka
5. Too Young to Burn ~ Sonny and the Sunsets
6. Can’t Hold Me ~ Emily King
7. May I Have this Dance? ~ Francis and the Lights
8. Fly Before You Fall ~ Cynthia Erivo
9. It’ll All Work Out ~ Phoebe Bridgers
10. Send the Sun ~ Nikki Lane
11. Texas Rose ~ Ray Remington
12. The Age of Worry ~ Madison Cunningham
13. Skin ~ Rag’n’Bone Man
14. Starry Starry Night ~ Lianne La Havas
15. Where Rainbows Never Die ~ The SteelDrivers
16. Colors ~ Black Pumas
17. Bridges ~ JOHNNYSWIM
There you have it. The mixes that made me feel better about my space in the world. I hope they bring some light to you as well.
And as a thank you, the two lucky winners their own copies of the mixes are Ruth Hage and Jessica Lea! Congratulations, ladies, and thank you for sharing your suggestions with me. Dance on!
It’s that time again.
Despite everything going on in the world, some things remain. The annual blog share of song suggestions for an old school mixtape gift is one of them.
Since 2004 I’ve made my mom and sister two mixtapes for Christmas, a Phenomenal Woman Mix featuring all female artists (power ballads and dance worthy, feel good tunes) and a Cafe Mix featuring easy listening jams.
For years I’ve asked for your help. Your song suggestions help me find the most diverse mix of artists and songs, as well as some truly awesome music videos, albums, and songs to play on repeat.
Why might this be the most fun year to collab on a mixtape? I don’t about y’all, but music has been one of the biggest mood lifters for me during this pandemic. Life is stressful. Why not dance some of it out, after all no one is watching if you’re really isolating. *thumbs up*
So I hope you’ll comment below and share with me your favorite song suggestions. Who are the artists you’ve discovered this year? What songs are you playing on repeat right now? What’s your fave song ever? The tune that no matter where you are when you hear it, you have to dance?
Tell me your suggestions for the 2020 Phenomenal Women and Cafe Mixes. As a bonus, I’ll draw TWO LUCKY WINNERS from everyone who comments who will win a copy of the mix cd’s for themselves. Winners and playlists announced in January.
To get started, here are a few songs that made the 2019 lists.
Phenomenal Woman Mix
Call on Me ~ Starley
Stay High ~ Brittany Howard
The Storm ~ ZZ Ward
Came Here for Love ~ Sigala & Ella Eyre
My Own Fault ~ Manny Walters
The Weary Kind ~ Ryan Bingham
Lost in the Light ~ Bahamas
Your Somebody Else ~ Flora Cash
Thank you for your suggestions. Thank you for your good energy. Thank you for dancing along with me and helping spread a little joy, which coincidentally, is my mama’s name. We can’t wait to see what you come up with!
With 75 song suggestions from y’all, plus the rabbit holes I fell into while checking out new and old artists – so many rabbit holes – I present to you the 2019 Mix Tapes’ songs and artists that made the final cut.
I have a lot of fun checking out all the artists you recommend and I wouldn’t have the diversity of artists and styles without your help. So first and foremost, THANK YOU for creating this project with me.
Here are the 2019 playlists:
Phenomenal Woman Mix
- Home ~ Ella Eyre
- Call on Me ~ Starley
- Oh Heart ~ Tank and the Bangas
- You Have Been Loved ~ Sia
- Forever Young ~ Audra Mae and the Forest Rangers
- Helpless ~ The Regrettes
- Dream of You ~ Camila Cabello
- When I Wasn’t Watching ~ Mandy Moore
- Marry Me ~ Mahalia
- Stay High ~ Brittany Howard
- That Would Be Enough ~ Alicia Keyes
- Sorry ~ Mali-Koa
- The Storm ~ ZZ Ward
- American Pie ~ Shea Diamond
- Evergreen ~ Yebba
- To Rise You Gotta Fall ~ Nicki Bluhm
- Crowded Table ~ The Highwomen
- Came Here for Love ~ Sigala and Ella Eyre
- Cold War ~ Kiah Victoria
- Amen ~ Andra Day
- Shine Your Weary Light ~ Cris Jacobs
- Somewhere in My Heart ~ Aztec Camera
- My Own Fault ~ Manny Walters
- Another Story ~ The Head and the Heart
- The Weary Kind ~ Ryan Bingham
- Goodbye ~ The Sweeplings
- Clay Pigeons ~ Blaze Foley
- If I Go, I’m Goin ~ Gregory Alan Isakov
- Lost in the Light ~ Bahamas
- Waiting Here ~ Jake Isaac
- The Whole of the Moon ~ The Waterboys
- In a River ~ Rostam
- Bag of Bones ~ ZZ Ward
- All on My Mind ~ Anderson East
- I Am Easy to Find ~ The National
- You’re Somebody Else ~ Flora Cash
- Lisbon Love ~ Cameron Douglas
- The Tale of You and Me ~ Wild Child
Congrats to pals Darla, Mark, Eric, Tara, Peyton, August, Andy, Jessica, and Maggie who all had songs or artists selected for the final lists! And everyone who shared a suggestion gets a chance to win the playlists – TWO lucky winners selected!
*drum roll please*
This year’s winners are Lisa David Olson and Tara Eilers! Thank you for your song suggestions! May these new tunes continue to help you JAM ON!
It’s November, and around here that means…
It’s time to make the annual mixtapes! Since 2004, I’ve compiled two mixtapes as presents for my mum and sis. More like mix cd’s rather, which yes – I know are also becoming obsolete – but that doesn’t make the actual songlisting any less fun.
This is where you come in.
I need YOUR HELP collecting awesome songs that fit the theme for the mixtapes.
The FIRST is a Phenomenal Woman Mix – all female artists, songs you can dance to, but some ballads are great too.
The SECOND is a Cafe Mix – any artist, more mellow vibes, songs you can play while relaxing at home.
Why should you help?
Why not?! Music is the ultimate mood lifter and who couldn’t use a boost of finding new tunes to jam to and new artists to fall in love with. Go down the same rabbit holes as me sifting through song suggestions in the comments. Watch YouTube videos until you forget how to blink. Play the same song over and over until your significant other knocks on the bathroom door and asks “What, exactly, are you doing in there?”
BONUS: TWO lucky commenters will receive copies of the cds after the playlist is compiled! Free music for you! Woohoo!
So, share your song suggestions in the comments below. I can’t wait to listen. I always find new favorites and couldn’t make these awesome compilations without you. I’ll share the final picks and announce the winners in January.
Here’s some ideas from last year to get you started:
Phenomenal Woman Mix
Fallingwater ~ Maggie Rogers
Great One ~ Jessie Reyez
Shadow on the Wall ~ Ruby Amanfu
Yours ~ Ella Henderson
Two Blue Eyes ~ Tall Heights
Famous ~ Serena Ryder
Slow Burn ~ Kacey Musgraves
Beyond ~ Leon Bridges
What are your recommendations? I’m all ears!
Also, any suggestions on what platform to adapt
these mixes to once cds do go out?
Thanks, friends! Happy listening! Rock on!
A new year brings with it new playlists! With over 70 recommendations from you all, these are some of my favorite mix tape songs yet!
While not every song shared can make it onto the mix lists, I enjoyed checking out all the artists and songs you suggested, and I downloaded many to my own library for further listening.
Here are the songs that made it on the 2018 Phenomenal Woman and Cafe Mixes!
Phenomenal Woman Mix
1. Falling Water ~ Maggie Rogers
2. Pegasi ~ Jesca Hoop
3. Good Thing Gone ~ Elle King
4. Shine On ~ May Erlewine
5. Hearts Beat Loud ~ Keegan DeWitt & Kiersey Clemons
6. Only Love Can Hurt Like This ~ Paloma Faith
7. Don’t Wait ~ Maipei
8. Great One ~ Jessie Reyez
9. Light On ~ Maggie Rogers
10. Dream ~ Bishop Briggs
11. Armor ~ Sara Bareilles
12. Always Remember Us This Way ~ Lady Gaga
13. She’s Got You ~ Rhiannon Giddens
14. Best Years of My Life ~ Pistol Annies
15. Space Cowboy ~ Kasey Musgraves
16. Boy Band Hero ~ Emily Kinney
17. Shadow on the Wall ~ Ruby Amanfu
18. Something American ~ Jade Bird
19. Yours ~ Ella Henderson
20. Velodrome ~ Dessa
1. Fine ~ Noah Kahan
2. Blue Ridge Mountains ~ Larkin Poe
3. Two Blue Eyes ~ Tall Heights
4. Famous ~ Serena Ryder
5. Heart of Somebody ~ Caroline Spence
6. Kings & Queens ~ Mat Kearney
7. Slow Burn ~ Kasey Musgraves
8. Us ~ James Bay
9. Hurt Somebody ~ Noah Kahan & Julia Michaels
10. Roll the Bones ~ Shakey Graves
11. Say Love ~ James TW
12. Beyond ~ Leon Bridges
13. If I Say ~ Mumford & Sons
14. Leave a Light On ~ Humbird
15. Telluride ~ The Lone Bellow
16. Stranger ~ Sawyer Fredericks
17. The Gold ~ Manchester Orchestra
18. Everytime I Hear That Song ~ Brandi Carlile
19. Unraveling ~ Frances Cone
20. Your Water ~ Parker Millsap & Sarah Jarosz
Now, without further ado, the winners of the mix tapes themselves, and with great gratitude for their suggestions as I used some from each of them, the 2018 mix tape collections go to Darla from She’s a Maineiac and Mark from Swinged Cat!
Until next time, keep dancing, friends!
And feel free to share more of your favorite songs below
as the search for this year’s fave tunes begins NOW!
It is time. You and I are going to make a mixtape.
Ok, technically a mix cd, but still, a mixtape.
Yes, even though hardly anyone has a device that will play cds nowadays. (It’s for my mother, she has at least two players that I know of.)
Since 2004 I started making my mom and sister mix cds for Christmas. It’s tradition now. And I rely on YOUR HELP to find new and exciting music to showcase for them.
It’s simple, just tell me what songs or artists you love listening to.
I make two cds: a phenomenal woman mix (highlighting all female artists) and a cafe mix (featuring songs you can chill out and cozy up to while sipping your morning coffee).
Two lucky participants will get copies of the mix cds as a thank you for sharing your song suggestions!
To get started, here are some highlights from the 2017 mixes.
Phenomenal Woman Mix
That’s Alright With Me ~ Andreya Triana
Higher ~ The Naked and Famous
Want You Back ~ HAIM
Deeper ~ Ella Eyre
The Old Churchyard ~ Offa Rex
Let It All Go ~ Birdy and Rhodes
I Followed Fires ~ Matthew and the Atlas
Without You ~ Oh Wonder
What’s on your playlist? Share in the comments!
Two random winners selected in the new year!
I’m a sucker for self help books. I admit it. Mostly because I don’t think anyone can read just one and magically fix their life. I think personal growth is something we work on our whole lives, and reading books with new ideas, processes, or tools are helpful reminders to focus our time and energy where we most want to.
So if you’re a self help junkie like myself, or you know someone who is, here are the latest ones I’ve read and recommend.
Self Help Books Worth Buzzing About
Make Time: How to Focus on What Matters Every Day
By Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky
I checked this book out from the library and admittedly did not pick it up until it was almost due, and there were holds on it, so I couldn’t renew it. The irony of the fact I had to speed read a book about making time is not lost on me.
Still, this book was a great read with easily digestible sections intermixed with drawings and chart examples. The authors come from technology backgrounds at Google and YouTube. While they both enjoy and appreciate technology, they recognized that it was stealing much of their time away from family and other life goals. They offered practical ways to cut back on screen time and refocus your energy.
What I learned: By implementing some of their tactics, I reduced my mindless scrolling on my phone and how I use my social media by 40%. As someone who earned her nickname of “Wi-fi” from her spouse, I know my husband was impressed with this change.
Recommended for: people looking to reduce or better manage screen time in their lives, tech gurus, business minds
The Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness
By Paula Poundstone
More of an experimental memoir than a self help book, Poundstone’s book chronicles her attempts at getting fit, organized, and learning new skills. Bonus selling point: while listening to the audiobook in the breakroom, one of our library volunteers listened in while washing some toys and both of us were laughing out loud.
Candid about her moderate celebrity status, Poundstone shares real troubles and issues that are identifiable to many. Her self deprecating humor is laugh out loud at moments, and poignant at others.
What I learned: Have a sense of humor about self help. Poundstone takes both martial arts and dance classes and sees strengths and weaknesses in her abilities with both, but that doesn’t prevent her from finding happiness in the trying.
Recommended for: humor fans, humor writers, parents, anyone looking for some motivation and courage to try new experiences/skills
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
By Charles Duhigg
This book was one of my favorite reads of the year, and I probably annoyed a lot of people talking about it. Ha!
With examples covering everything from employee culture to drastic lifestyle changes, tragic accidents to court cases, Duhigg explains how habits play a key role in our lives. The book doesn’t view habits as good or bad, but they can certainly play to our successes or vices. And when you understand how habits work, you have more awareness of how to change them.
What I learned: Many of the examples shared were jaw dropping upon breakdown, especially how habits play a role in our marketing culture. Being aware of that, I felt I had more mindfulness around spending habits and company culture. I also understood what elements I needed to play if I wanted to change habits, and I reduced my fast food intake and diet using them.
Recommended for: goal setters, knowledge seekers, marketers, business minds, managers, those in customer service, teachers, coaches, mentors
An older read, but still very relevant. Tracy’s book emphasizes starting your day with the tasks that are the largest or most productive, the “frogs”. Many of us fall into productivity traps like checking emails, and we don’t get around to the larger projects we need to address in a timely fashion. Tackling the most crucial to do’s first ensure increased productivity and fulfillment.
What I learned: Eat That Frog is a short read and includes enough tips and tricks to help you re-channel your focus to make it worthwhile. While the tips didn’t seem new or unexpected, I found it to be a good reminder for anyone with procrastination problems, like myself.
Recommended for: procrastinators, office workers, writers, business minds, anyone interested in productivity boosters
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
By Eckhart Tolle
If you’ve wondered what “living in the now” means, this book explains that. Broken into definitions, explanations, examples, and questions and answers, Tolle illustrates the power of the mind to live in the present. He discusses aspects of ego, listening, subconscious, and more.
What I learned: I’ll be honest, I struggled with this read. There were parts that made me think and I did some journaling around this topic. However, this book is not for everyone, and I admittedly wandered while listening because some of the ideas are very intellectual and I am not well practiced in “the now.” But don’t let me stop you, give it a try.
Recommended for: spiritual seekers, meditation lovers, those with an interest in self awareness
With chapters broken up by the lies Hollis told herself, she goes on to portray how she challenged her own negative thinking and moved past it. Women will find Hollis’ book very identifiable as we all battle “trying to have it all.”
Hollis keeps it real, though. She does not pretend to have all the answers or have everything figured out. She advocates for therapy, faith, and family/friend support that keep her on the right track, and admits she’s still working on things. Written like a great coffee chat with your girlfriend, Hollis is honest, open, and at times very funny.
What I learned: We all spend more time in our own heads than in anyone else’s, so why not make that a pleasant place to be and stop beating yourself up. Get help where you need it, and take control back to follow your dreams.
Recommended for: entrepreneurs, parents, couples, self help book junkies, lifestyle readers, feminists
Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life
By Gary John Bishop
Here’s the self help book for people who think they don’t like self help books. With no nonsense callouts, and a dash of humor too, Bishop provides the steps you need to take to, well, unfuck yourself.
Bishop points out the realistic fact that we’re all going to die someday, and you don’t want to get there and discover you have regrets about things you had the power to change. Offering tips to help you through the mental homework, this book asks you to consider both what you’re willing and what you’re unwilling (which can be just as important) to do.
What I learned: This book focuses on the stories we tell ourselves, so part of Bishop’s plan is for us to understand where our own stories come from. By knowing why we think the way do, we can prepare for the struggles that we’ll face in trying to change it, making that change more lasting.
Recommend for: anyone, but especially those facing transitions in their lives
Girl Boner: The Good Girl’s Guide to Sexual Empowerment
By August McLaughlin
Combining personal tribulations with a wealth of science to back it up, McLaughlin has created a guide for every woman. Finally, a no shame space for discussing sexual health that advocates whatever path works for you.
From the basic to the advanced, this book is written as if you’re talking with your girlfriends, but full of medically accurate information and body positive / sex positive language.
What I learned: Many women are raised to feel shame about their bodies and their sexuality. McLaughlin’s book is a welcome and much needed addition to the bookshelf. And as a former reproductive health advocate, I wish I’d had this book to refer to students and share with the women I encountered in classes.
Recommended for: all persons who identify as female, people with questions about their sexuality, fans of body positivity/sex positivity, feminists, those who work in healthcare/teach sex ed
Own Your Glow is a beautiful combination of storytelling, self help guidance, journal prompts, and practices. Song lists and inspiring quotes are also sprinkled in.
Whether it’s overcoming hardships, dealing with change, or finding the courage to pursue your dreams, Thomas writes to the reader as if she’s a personal coach and mentor for each.
What I learned: I loved Thomas’ journal prompts to ponder the lessons more fully. The book is full of self love and self care practices. It is a total confidence boosting read.
Recommended for: women in need of a pep talk, journal writers, mothers, entrepreneurs
Those are the self help books I’ve read so far this year.
What titles are on your must read list?
Like so many women right now, this past week has made me feel a full cup’s worth of anxiety and two tablespoons of crushing grief. Then mix that with a blender powered by my rage with the patriarchy, and you have a slight understanding of where I’m at right now.
Today, I shared my first post on Facebook about my feelings regarding the Kavanaugh hearing and how triggering it has been. For most of the week, I simply didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing. But now, it turns out, I have a lot I want to say. So, if you clicked on this post, settle in, cause I’m about to whip up a batch of bitch biscuits.
When I posted my comment on Facebook, I was immediately flooded by likes and comments from friends and family saying they were sorry I had to go through what I did, that they had my back, and they sent their love and hugs. That’s fine, and thank you to those who did so, I know your intentions were well meant and supportive. But the thing is, I didn’t need that. Because I know, I’m one of the lucky ones.
The attacks against Dr. Blasey Ford have shown exactly how rampant misogyny, toxic masculinity, and capitalistic, white patriarchy are in our country. Somehow, we have failed our women and our men. We have put the pressure and blame to prove innocence on the victims instead of the perpetrator. We ask women to consider the life of the man, while no one is considering her own. We have bullied women using every physical judgement we can think of, and call their successes ladder climbing and power grabs. We’ve called them too emotional and stone cold bitches. We have made it nearly impossible for men to show hurt, anger, or frustration in healthy ways. We blame alcohol and clothing, instead of people. We’ve ignored our (white) privilege and don’t know how to handle guilt. We think giving others equality means we lose something. We have lost the ability to say sorry, and not for the things we’re sad we may not get, but for the grief we caused another.
Well, I take issue with all of that. And if I can do anything with my voice, or my words, my hope would be to help men understand what it’s like to be a woman in America right now.
In my facebook post, I shared for the first time ever that I was sexually assaulted. I never reported the incident, and I did not tell a soul until now. I chose not to share the details of that experience. And here’s why.
When reports like Trump’s pussy-grabbing comments, or cases like the Kavanaugh hearing make the news, it causes survivors to relive their trauma. I remember what happened, how uncomfortable and alone I felt. How angry and violated. When it happens to another woman, we relive our own experience(s) all over again.
Some women chose to share their stories. Some even shared in painful detail. And some have remained silent still. All of these responses are right, justified, and acceptable. We should never force someone to speak out when they’re not ready or unable. Speaking for myself, I felt a lot of pressure to share my survivor story. Ultimately, I’m not ready or willing to talk about the details. And frankly, it’s none of your business.
But like you, I’m guilty of that macabre, nosy interest in wanting to know what happened. Our brains are wired to categorize. We want to know the details so we can decide how bad was it? To some extent, we all ask what was she wearing? had s(he) been drinking? did she explicitly say no? was this at a party? could it have been a misunderstanding?
And that, right there, is why most women don’t come forward. I didn’t, and still don’t, want to be looked at differently. I don’t want to be ranked on some undefinable tier of bad things that happen to a person. And yet, had so many others before me not spoken up, I may not have had the courage to write what I’m writing right now.
The thing is, I am one of the lucky ones. And I’m also sickened I have to say that. Because I wouldn’t call my experiences lucky. I just personally know so many women who have faced worse.
I said I wanted you to understand how it feels to be a woman in America in right now. I am not going to lay out the gory details of my assault. Instead, I want to illustrate for you the series of events and experiences I’ve had that are benign. The times where I wasn’t physically hurt, but rather simply encountered men who were “doing the same job as me,” “didn’t mean anything by it,” “just trying to get a date,” “just looking.” You know the ones… they’re always “just joking.”
What It Feels Like to be a Woman in America
When I was in high school, I was active in forensics, drama, and show choir. The students all changed in the same green room, and it was not uncommon for the boys to talk openly about all the girls’ breasts, judging and ranking them in size. I was repeatedly told, “Jessi’s breasts are so small, they’re concave!” I was only 15 at the time.
On moving day at my university, there was an apartment building across from the dorm I lived in. They routinely waved a banner that read “She’s been calling you Daddy for 18 years, now it’s our turn.” When I was president of the Women’s Studies Student Association, I hung group flyers around campus that read “I’m a Feminist! Now what?” on them, and someone scribbled “Suck my dick!” One of our biggest campaigns was educating women about date rape and buying drink test kits so women could know whether their drink had been roofied or not.
When I first started my professional career after college, I quickly rose into management. All managers were responsible for coaching their team members, and I repeatedly noticed both my bosses holding myself and fellow female managers to a much higher standard then the men were kept. If one thing went wrong, I was reamed out and expected to make a sales plan or coaching plan to address it. But when my male counterparts regularly lost their coaching binder “somewhere on the floor,” a document with employee names and metrics on it, it became a longstanding joke that the whole office took part in.
Wanting to draw attention to a fundraiser I was doing at work, I posted about a bra fitting event that supported Susan G. Komen for the Cure on my Facebook page. One of my uncles commented that he’d “be available to help bra fit if needed.”
I was out solo hiking on a popular marsh trail when a man on a bicycle approached me and asked me to go back to his house with him. I said no thank you, and he proceeded to drive around me, continuing to ask me to go with him, becoming more agitated and pushy in his demands, and preventing me from walking down the trail. Thankfully, some other pedestrians distracted him and I took off running into the woods, where he couldn’t get through on his bike, and I hid in the woods and waited for him to leave.
I joined an improv troupe for adults that contained three men and three women. One man in the group repeatedly made all his scenes sexual in nature, berating the woman, and mock beating her at times. Once he physically hurt a female cast member for real in front of an audience. He created scenes where characters set up as siblings were supposed to make out. And before one of our performances, he randomly whispered a detail about a fear I had, but hadn’t ever talked to him about. He’d read it on my blog (which I hadn’t shown him). It sounded like a threat. This man was repeatedly talked to by our director and asked to change his ways. He did not. He was asked to leave the group. Then, I ran into him once more while working, and he spent the entire time leaning over the service counter so far his face was less than a foot from mine.
A few months after starting my new job at the library, I was shelving books and helping a female patron when I noticed a male patron aiming his phone at me. I suspected he had photographed me, and was right, as I saw the camera setting on his phone when he lowered it. He continued to try to snap pictures while I was at the desk. I had emailed security and called, and got confirmation via our security cameras that the man had been taking pictures of me. He had also been doing so at our main location to another staff member and been asked to leave the library. Instead, he just came to our south branch, where I was working. I was instructed to call the police, and they arrested him outside the building. I had to make a statement, wherein I was not warned that my information would be available to the trespasser who was also breaking parole. The police said they could not verify that all the images had been deleted because if they went into the cloud, there was no way to get them out. I spent several hours writing a letter to his parole officer and talking with him on the phone, where he told me “I don’t want to tell you whether to worry or not, but this individual has a very violent history.”
To continue this latest story, I had to lead a ghost tour that very night after the incident. Normally, that is something I love, but waiting in a park under a lonely street light for strangers to come up to you was unsettling to say the least that evening. When I returned to work, my manager and the security officer gave me the option to have an escort to my car when my shift ended. I told them I would let them know. I never asked for the escort, but the security officer belatedly followed me out after dark on that shift, and I was terrified it was a stranger til I got to my car and my headlights flashed on him.
A male friend was staying at our house and asked about a space heater for the guest room as the one in it wasn’t working. I told him he could take the one from the living room. He said “Ok, I’ll ask Joe.” (my husband) I turned to him and shouted “I live here too!” He said he “didn’t mean it like that” and that I was “being silly.”
Now let’s add in the COUNTLESS times that I’m called honey, sweetie, and darling while I’m working. That I’m told to smile. That men try to stare down my shirt, at my chest, or at my butt NO MATTER WHAT I’m wearing. That they throw sexual innuendos into casual conversation cause I work in customer service and can’t say “Get the fuck out!”
Congrats to you if you read this far. You’re probably exhausted. I know I am. Have another biscuit.
I am so fucking exhausted by men. If you read all this, if you really let it sink in, tell me you don’t see now why women don’t report their assaults. Tell me you don’t understand why we’re scared of you, why we feel belittled and undermined in so many places and ways. Why it makes us claw against even one another to get ahead? Why does it have to be your daughter, your sister, or your mother for you to care? What about me? What about your neighbor? What about the women of color in our country that are cooking their biscuits over a goddamn dumpster fire of systemic issues?
Please. Just know that women are hurting right now. Whether they even realize it or not. Don’t start challenging me with “Not All Men” crap. I know it’s not all men. But I bet you can do better. We all can. If you’re asking yourself “how’s a guy supposed to even TALK to a lady now?” I think you need to take a hard look at your place in the system. Don’t tell us we can’t take a joke. Maybe you’re not that funny. And the thing is, we didn’t ask you to be.
How you feeling right now? That’s ok.
Share or don’t share. Take care of yourself. It’s tough out there right now.