Swamps are for Lovers

Romantic getaway for two? Comes complete with outdoor jacuzzi.

If you and your significant other are looking for a romantic getaway, may I ask, have you considered the swamp?  Located in sunny New Orleans, LA, the swamp offers a plethora of sunshine, local wildlife and plants, and all the seclusion two lovebirds could ask for!

Quite possibly my favorite thing I did all vacation, was going on a swamp tour.  Our guide, Captain Allan, said he’s in the process of making this place a honeymoon suite.  And seeing as he was born and raised in the bayou, been married five times, and has 11 alligators growing up in his house (does he keep them in the bathtub?), I’d say he knows a thing or two about love…and swamps.

The bayou wasn’t half bad in my opinion.  When our bus dropped us off at the boat launch site, there were already alligators chilling in the water.  How do you like that, Clay Morgan?

Home Sweet Home

As I said, Captain Allan was raised on the bayou.  He was cared for by his grandparents and learned the ways of the swamp from them.  His skills as a captain are primarily self taught and he’s been doing this for years.

This resulted in...

Captain Allan is a jokester.  He liked to feed the alligators marshmallows.  Why marshmallows you may ask?  Because, they’re marsh animals!

No kidding though, he really buys out shelves of marshmallows to feed them.  The color is what attracts them.  So when you plan your swamp getaway, don’t pack a lot of light colors unless you plan on alligator for dinner.

Consequently, one of my travel companions from the bus, a hysterical woman from Chicago, IL, wasn’t as excited about the bayou as I was.  Halfway through the tour, her dialogue sounded like this:

“Lord, take me back to the bus!  It’s hot!  If I see another alligator, I’m gonna…  I’m gonna eat me some alligator tonight just to get back at this tour!  You know what I’m sayin’?  I mean I’m gonna buy an alligator purse.  Lord, that man throw another damn marshmallow…  It’s a raccoon people, quit snappin’ pictures!  Actin’ like this is the greatest damn thing…  Send me another boat!  We’re gonna get stuck and die out here in the damn swamp!”


If we’re being honest, Captain Allan was probably, at least a little bit, clinically insane.  Anyone who feeds chicken necks to alligators by hand must be crazy.  But I have to admit, he got me really excited when I was allowed to do this:

Honey, look what Captain Allan gave me! You said we couldn't get a dog, you never said anything about alligators!

Another fantastic quote of the trip from my Chicago friend occurred as we passed the baby alligator around.  She kept turning him and moving him to be at different angles, then she finally turned towards the camera and said:

“Strike a pose!”

I very nearly died of laughter.  But maybe you had to be there.

In your face, Clay! Oh ok, so this one wasn't real. Made you freak out just a little bit, right?

So what do you think?  Next anniversary you want to go the swamp?  Give me a quick tally of who’s interested cause, I mean if this thing takes off, I’m probably gonna contact Captain Allan and start marketing the t-shirts.  I hope he makes me partner.  I’m thinking of expanding the business and advertising the cabin as a writing resort for authors too.  Open space, no one around for miles…

Literally. The only people out here are dead.

Swamps are for LoversTo book your reservation in advance contact:  Jess Witkins, 2020 Happiness Project Lane, Wisconsin. 

32 responses

  1. If the humidity and ‘squittos didn’t exist, I would be all over that trip as a romantic getaway! Seriously. I’m on board for a trip …. in the winter, please.

    1. Actually the mosquitos weren’t bad at all! Only after it rains do they come out bad. We were ok on the boat! Yay! But wear sunscreen for sure!

  2. Sounds like a great trip- I’d love to pretend I’d be adventurous but I think I would clinging to my hubby and squealing every time an alligator came close!

    1. Just distract it with a twinkie or other white colored dessert of your choice!

  3. We did the swamp tour thing when we visited New Orleans frequently back in the 90s. It’s fascinating, isn’t it? Living in Texas, I’m already used to the alligators, mosquitoes, heat, and humidity. Add in the natural beauty of the swamp, and I was hooked.

    Since Swamp People started airing, I’ve been after my husband to make a return visit for the sole purpose of swamp crawling and taking pictures.

    Several months ago, we visited Caddo Lake in Texas. We did it on the first chilly day of fall. It was raining, and steam was rising up from the water. We saw no alligators that day, but the beauty of it really amazed me.

    Thanks for sharing pictures and stories about your trip. 😀

    1. Woh, you’re braver than I. I’m not so sure I’d get in the water. They kept talking about swamp grass, which acts like quick sand and THAT freaked me out more than alligators. Being eaten is somehow less stressful to me than drowning. Hm…

  4. Yes, I thought that was you on top of the alligator! This was one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever seen. It’s hard for me to believe, though. Does he really rent out that dump?

    1. I certainly wouldn’t put it past him. When he admitted he’d been married 5 times, someone asked if that was where he took all his brides, cause it would explain a lot. lol..

  5. Great post.. and yes, my eyes bugged out when I saw the picture of you sitting in the alligator with your hand on his mouth! You got me… 🙂

    And I love taking pictures of dilapidated buildings but I never thought I’d ever see a getaway that resembled one.. so I have the same question Patty has.. does he really?


    1. If someone agreed to pay money for that place, wouldn’t you?!

  6. You could’ve totally fooled me! I appreciate the honesty though. Had that been a live gator you probably wouldn’t have been able to write this 🙂 Looks like fun. Thanks for the shouts!

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Clay, and for taking my snarky comments like a pro! Had to rewatch your fun Gatorland clips!

  7. With the new Muppet movie coming out maybe you could get an endorsement from Kermit and Miss Piggy.

    1. Hi ho! Kermit the frog here!

      I think they’d like it!

  8. I am sooooo jealous! After watching the first season of Swamp People I have wanted to go down and experience the swamp. See alligators up close. And you got to feed one a chicken neck, wow!

    Yeah, take that Clay (LOL!).

    Awesome post Jess! By the way, I would totally sign up for the writers retreat at the Shack ‘ala Gatorbait 🙂

    1. I’ll put in a reservation for one next weekend. You should probably tell your wife and kids you love them…just sayin’.

  9. REALLY awesome post, Jess! I love your travel/resort idea! You could really make that work for you! Great pics! Did you see any good snakes? I love snakes and the baby gator is so cute!

    1. They said there are 5 types of snakes that live in the swamp, but we didn’t see a one! I hoped to. We saw raccoons, egrets, several other types of birds I’m not sure what kind, and this really funky fish, and lots and lots of gators!

  10. Unabridged Girl | Reply


    I didn’t see any when I was in NOLA. But we didn’t go on the swamp tour. We ended up on the plantation tours, instead. Love the photos, and I love the post. It makes me miss NOLA.

    1. I did tour the garden district one day. It was beautiful! Wouldn’t you LOVE to live in one of those grand houses! So beautiful. Did you get to go inside any of them? We didn’t, but the guide said sometimes people come out and let you inside. FUN!!!

  11. Love the photo of you on top of the gator. Reminds me of a photo my friend posted on Facebook of her daughter standing next to a full-sized gator in their driveway. I was absolutely horrified that she’d let her kid get that close for a photo. She laughed when I told her because it was fake. Apparently, it’s scared some delivery men and neighbors as well.

    1. Yah a lot of people did funny shots with their leg in the mouth, but I knew I’d fool more people just sittin on it. The swamp was really fun. Captain Allan just got everyone in the mood!

  12. I don’t think I can handle the weather down there. It’s different enough in the great plains and the midwest! I wouldn’t mind seeing some gators up close and personal, though. As long as they’re about the size of the one you’re holding. 🙂

    1. You totally made me laugh out loud picturing you with a witty bitty baby alligator. LOL. Sorry, I’m laughing with you, I promise. Maybe you could wrangle some buffalo or catch a woodpecker on your road trip across the plains…

  13. Jess – you have such a way of brightening my day with your lighthearted, comical writing. 🙂 I felt vicariously transported to the bayou from my Chicago City Home. Very jealous…I might add…

    1. Thank you for the compliment, Mindi! I’d like to see em try and build a skyscraper in the bayou! 😉

  14. […] a wedding anniversary?  Check out the every-funny Jess Witkins and her blog post Swamps are for Lovers over at Jess Witkins’ Happiness Project for all the perks of taking a swamp tour.  (Yes, […]

  15. I’ve never seen alligators up close. The baby gator looks so cute. 🙂

    1. He was pretty damn adorable.

  16. […] 2. Jess Witkins has a hilarious post on a new idea for a romantic getaway in Swamps are for Lovers. […]

  17. […] Jess Witkins lets us in on her latest adventure to the Bayou and offers a great idea for a new writers retreat in Swamps are for Lovers. […]

  18. […] For those that love history and/or love the paranormal, New Orleans is the place to go.  Their tour guides are exceptional and they have plenty of tours to offer.  From Graveyard Tours to Garden Districts, Plantation homes to Voodoo Queens, Jazz Museums to Swamp Rides!  And don’t forget, Swamps are for Lovers! […]

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