My Newfound Guilty Pleasure: Hibernation

Guilty Pleasures, I’ve got lots.  I’ve been wishing for this one for awhile now.  Every winter, the same request.  I ask Santa, I ask God, I ask my Employer.  They won’t let me.

I just want to frickin hibernate.

My Potential Future (source: timeinc.net)

Many of you know, I’ve been working on this writing thing.  I have 6 restarted drafts of the same story to prove it!  I had been so good.  I was waking up early, writing in the mornings, typing like a madwoman on writeordie.com, renting less movies, reading more, blogging more, doing all I could.

And then winter rolls it’s big ugly head into Wisconsin.  The eternal days of darkness, the driving at 10 mph, the constant wet socks from stepping in other people’s snow tracks!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Here’s my proposal for why hibernation would really be the best option for me:

  • When you hibernate, you don’t miss the sun.  Is it still there?  I haven’t seen it.  I go to work when it’s dark, and it’s dark when I leave.  Sometimes, when I walk past the entrance doors, I see a glimmer of a sunray, but then I realize it’s just a headlight pulling into the parking lot and I have to excuse myself and cry in the cosmetics stockroom surrounded by thousands of citrus scented tester bottles, tricking myself like a third world child that I do smell sunshine, I’m not missing it at all.
  • Hibernation is really my favorite kind of dieting.  In order to sleep for so long, one has to induce a food coma.  That means that in the end days of September leading up to November, I can hoard and devour as much comfort food as I want.  I mean mash potatoes for breakfast, pancakes for dinner, a late night snack of an entire can of pringles.  I NEED it to last me in my blissful cocoon of sleep.
  • Don’t Feed After Midnight…Or Else! (source: google images)

    Hibernation is the ultimate heat source.  I hate winter.  I’m grouchy in it.  And I’m always cold.  I’m the girl who wears long underwear and double socks for months at a time.  I’ll go to bed with sweatshirts on underneath all the covers.  By hibernating, I’m delightfully cozy until the temperature gets back into high double digits!

  • In Theory…  The sad truth is, people have never been allowed to hibernate, so we don’t really know just how beneficial this process could be.  Like what if the myth of getting all your sleep at once means you’ll never have to sleep again is true?  Imagine what a productive and warm summer I’ll have?  My novel will get written, I’ll visit the beach, I’ll steal other camper’s food cause I’ll be starving again!

I mean really, can you think of a reason NOT to hibernate?  And if any of you mention a winter sport, I will bite you.  All those in favor of hibernating from this day forth, say ‘aye’!  Good!

Yours in Slumber,

Jess Witkins Van Winkle

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16 responses

  1. Oh, Jess, you are too funny! I wish I could hibernate because I HATE the winter and winters here in California are nothing like yours. But, we’re big freaking babies out on the coast and anything below 60 is NOT okay! Anyway, it would be cool to be able to hibernate and then not have to sleep for months. I could get so much stuff done. GREAT idea, but…
    Patti

    1. Today at work, my office was 50 degrees. I think I lost feeling in my right big toe…permanently.

  2. Can I hibernate? If staying indoors all day everyday in front of the laptop and TV counted as hibernation, I’m in. I hate getting out in the cold. I hate being cold. Let’s just wrap up and hibernate!

    1. See, that’s exactly my kind of hibernation. If you do wake up, the remote control and a can of pringles are conveniently located at the end of the bed. 🙂

  3. I hibernate sans the extra sleeping and eating. I’ve lived in a snowbelt all my life and I will never, never get used to it. I hate the messiness of snow, I hate the fear of slipping on ice (I’ve fallen down way too many outdoor steps to count.) If it’s above 20 degrees and not windy, I’m good. I don’t like outdoor winter sports. In winter, I only like indoor-under-the covers sports.
    When your saving plan kicks in, buy yourself a lamp for people who need the benefits of the sun–I’m old, so I forgot what they’re called-it will help with the lack of sunshine.
    So, no true hibernating for you, otherwise you may come out of your cave in the spring looking like a bear. The belly and all that hair just isn’t your style. 🙂

    1. I’ve almost eaten it I don’t know how many times trying to walk through the snow/slush. And I don’t think my boots are waterproof…

  4. sounds great- I love naps, and sleeping, so I could hibernate- but I choose summer- here in AZ it can be over 100 for days on end yuck 😛

    1. Ok, I can agree to that. But we’ll periodically have to both wake up during our hybernating season and phone chat check in over what happened on Vampire Diaries. 😉

  5. Very funny! I agree with the commentor before me who wants to sleep during the summer. We get over 100 degrees here, too (Fresno, Ca. area). I rarely go outside then.
    Besides, I’d miss footb… Ah, nevermind. 😉

    -Jimmy

    1. Football can no longer be spoken about in my household. But I’m open to your summer suggestion for those in the warmer states.

      1. By chance could this have anything to do with the fate of a certain Wisconsin pro football team? *asks politely and then hides behind desk* My Dallas Cowboys can’t even spell Playoffs, let alone get into them!
        Have a great weekend, hybernating or not…

        -Jimmy

  6. You are so on to something, Jess! I think my hiberation would involve just getting to stay in my PJs by my space heater, with someone bringing me food every day. I would sleep, watch movies, read and yes – watch football. I just don’t see any reason why we have to be out and about when it is so cold our bones hurt and so icy we might bust our heinies!

    1. See, I like your plan as well. You, me, and Tiffany could form a hibernation haven. All we need is our bf’s to supply us with food. We’ll put them on a 3 day rotation of meals.

  7. Count me in, Jess. I’m ready to hibernate this winter away…or move to Florida. 🙂 I actually find that my writing and reading increases in winter because I have less excuses to go outside and play. I do get some nasty cabin fever by late January.

    1. I wish that were the case. I’m getting kind of lethargic. I blame it on off sides parking.

  8. […] pure and good clean fun. She blogs on anything from book reviews to Crafts for Poor People to wanting to hibernate all winter long. Plus she has like a bajillion subscribers. I don’t know why I added that but […]

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