Gift Giving Gone Wrong

My father, Jerry, is a good man. A hardworking, well-intended and thoughtful man. Any time I go home, he never fails to send me off with some homemade food, a spare cake or two (he’s a baker), or a surplus of some great deal he found – anything from mini cans of juice to say…soap.

One such visit home my dad sent me away with two bottles of soap and two bottles of lotion. They looked like your basic sanitation brand, some great deal he’d found that did nothing for my mother’s decor but got the job done. I grudgingly accepted the bottles and once back at my place offered up the lotion to my boyfriend and my roommate. If they would use it, good for them. I was going to stick with the far better smelling and more visually appealing lotions that I bought, the ones with flowers on the bottle that smelled like coconut or almond oil.

A few months went past and I decided “What the heck! Put the soap in the main bathroom and use it up.”

Later that night I could hear my roommate and his girlfriend laughing in the bathroom. It got so loud I opened my door to see what the fuss was about.

soap and lotion bottles

Of course! It was the soap.

Had I, or better yet my father, bothered to read the bottle, I might have known why my roommate and his lady had a serious case of the giggles.

To start with, in its bold yellow lettering it reads: MULTI PURPOSE PERINEAL CLEANING* BODY WASH AND SHAMPOO.

Good gravy! Where do I begin?!

My dad gave me free butt soap!!!

The definition of perineal is the skin in front of one’s anus. You may know it by its street name, the taint. Please imagine now the sheer look of momentary horror on my face. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

If that wasn’t enough of an introduction, the back of the bottle gave more explicit instruction.

image

If you’re not already a fan of this FABULOUS multipurpose cleaner, just read: it’s “designed to dissolve fecal soils resulting from incontinence.”

Well yippy skippy! No need to rush when the urge strikes any longer! One pump of this magic and you’re fecal free fresh!

Can I get a “just clean ahhhhh!”

But if simply clean is simply not enough, there’s a lotion for that too!

Between the his and her snickering I was subjected to from the roommate and his girlfriend, I pulled a “Jerry”, shrugged, and said “It’s free.” I also reminded them it was the same brand as the lotion I gave them earlier, which prompted sock-footed running to their room to gather the other bottle.

image

PROTECTS AND HELPS RELIEVE CHAPPED OR CRACKED SKIN AND LIPS. ALSO HELPS TREAT AND PREVENT DIAPER RASH!!!

Where exactly should one rub this lotion? I’m not sure I feel comfortable using the same lotion a person puts on their kid’s toucas also on my face! Though when questioned later, my dad said it’s good at preventing wrinkles.

Gee Dad, your gift was really something! I wonder what you’ll share with us next time! But be warned – this soap could end up in your “Welcome to the Nursing Home” basket!

Have you ever received a gift that was well intended, but so wrong? Did you tell the gift giver? Have you ever BEEN the shamed gift giver? How did you recover?

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61 responses

  1. My husband, bless his pea-picking soul, is into practicality. I’ve gotten exciting gifts like a carpet cleaner and a phone system in my past. Then he started getting advise. He came home from a trip to visit family members with a selection of tacky t-shirts and nightgowns with the name of the place he’d been on them – oh and cartoon camels. Don’t you want to sleep in a pink shorty gown with cartoon camels on it? Finally, I took him to my jewelry box and told him if it wouldn’t fit in there, he shouldn’t buy it. The man is transformed. Jade from a mission trip to Guatemala, silk scarf from China, a South Sea pearl for my birthday. They just need to be trained.

    1. BAH hahahaha! Jane, I love it! I think I have one of those too. My honey has gifted me with a vacuum, and for our anniversary – I got Sham Wow towels! I told him he owed me a new present and he better make it a romantic one! Since then, he’s been so sweet about buying handmade jewelry from the festivals he plays at. Be still my beating heart! LOL

      1. You freaking did NOT get Sham Wow towels??!!!! *clutching sides laughing*

        1. I don’t make this stuff up out of thin air, Hansen! Just you wait, I’ll make it another blog post!

      2. I’m with Jenny. Even Bill hasn’t managed to beat the Sham Wow.

        He got a good snicker out of your Dad’s “gift.” Said he was glad my mother wasn’t the only one who kept trash in the family. Every week I come home with something Mom doesn’t want anymore, but couldn’t stand to throw away. The best was probably the big box matches. She’d bought them sometime in the nineties and they wouldn’t light, but she thought we might be able to do something with them.

        1. Aww that’s flametastic. Or if they really don’t work perhaps they’re just smokalicious. In my youngun days I would’ve probably gotten those from my dad and turned them into firewood for my Camping Barbie!

  2. OH MY GOSH JESS I’M LAUGHING SOOOOO HARD. This is priceless. The kind of stuff you can’t make up if you tried.

    Ohmygosh. I’m sharing EVERYWHERE.

    1. Thanks Myndi! I did warn him. When you give a gift to a writer… 😉

  3. That’s hilarious! Even if you never use it, you got a great post out of it.

    1. Oh we’re using it! My household is fecal matter free!

  4. That’s all fine and dandy, but have you tried geoduck?

    Sorry. It felt like time to bust that out again. When confronted with a post that discusses fecal soil, there’s really nowhere else to go…

    1. I knew you’d understand my aversion to penis prints, Mark. Now I live in a hygienic home thanks to this soap!

    1. So is my dad I think. He thinks he’s famous now. I tried to explain that INfamy is not the same thing. *shakes head and sighs*

  5. Jess, my friend Todd loves butt creams. I’m going to share this on his Facebook wall. As far as bad gifts go, um… yeah. I can’t go there. No one in my family will ever give me anything ever again. 😉

    1. You know what just cracked me up?! What if that prize box I sent you had been filled with gifts from my dad?? LOL

      1. Hahahahaha! No, you sent me solid gold. But did you see my somewhat related guest post today? It involves Ex-Lax. Come see when you get a moment. You know, ‘cuz you’ll eventually be there. 😉

        1. Something to look forward to! Lol

  6. LOL!!!!! Oh my goodness. Too funny! Hey, that stuff is probably pretty good if you can get past the whole anus thing lol. You know, a miracle product is Bag Balm, which is produced in Vermont and is fantastic for extra dry skin or healing wounds. It’s original use is, yes, bag balm. As in cows. They rub this stuff on cow titties to stop the chafing :-D. It works GREAT.

    This also reminds me of a friend of mine whose mother sent her a case of blue rubber gloves that she’d apparently lifted during a hospital stay, as a Christmas gift. There are no words, sometimes.

    And hey, Sham Wow towels are useful ;-).

    1. “If you can get past the anus thing.” Hahahaha!

      I believe your cow udder story, but somehow I don’t envision this soap making its way into celebrity swag bags anytime soon.

  7. OMG too funny! I think the most embarrassing gift I ever got was from my 80-year-old grandma. I *think* she thought it was well intentioned. It was Christmas with my family. My parents, grandparents, brother and his wife, my husband, daughter and I were there. What did grandma get me? Lingerie. She didn’t warn me about it before opening, you know, something like you might not want to open this in front of everyone. Oh no, not her. I was horrified beyond belief!
    It’s nice knowing I’m not the only one who gets embarrassing gifts. LOL
    Melinda Primrose

    1. Should you need “freshening up” before you model your gift, I have just the thing!

  8. So funny! Potentially less harmful then using the dog’s ear ointment for first aid cream but, still a problem with reading the fine print.
    Thanks!

    1. Lol. Thanks Sharon! I knew you’d get a kick out of this!

  9. Wow, and I thought my dad was embarrassing! LOL

  10. I loved the part where you say “well yippy skippy!” Hilarious. Who wouldn’t want to be fecal free fresh? This post really does tie in well with my Ex-lax one.

    1. Good thing we’re both laughing in the end! Otherwise…oy.

  11. BAHAHAHA – I’m feeling very lucky that my Oscar gift box from you was so awesome! 🙂

    1. That’s what I teased Renee about. Next giveaway should be done with stuff from my dad. Lol

  12. So hilarious! That’s actually the gift that keeps on giving because you’ll be telling that story around your family for years to come. 🙂

    1. Oh I think all my siblings have a bottle. I think next time I’ll ask if I can trade in the soap and get more food!

  13. LOL! that even beats the lip-salve DFW conference handed out last year. The one the turned bright pink after a few minutes..

    Cheers!

    1. OMG. Nigel I just found that stuff again and threw it away. Thank goodness I waited to try it until I got home, that was INTENSE!!!

  14. Valerie Johnson | Reply

    Oh, now I feel bad, the Writers’ Institute did not give us any lip balm this weekend. I am curious though about how many people were running around with pink lips at the DFW conference and didn’t know it. Thank you so much for an incredibly hilarious post!

    1. Hi Valerie! How was the Writers’ Institute?! Sorry you didn’t get any fluorescent chapstick. And hey, are you blogging yet??! If so, you best share your blog link with me!

  15. laketranslations | Reply

    Hi Jess,
    Susie sent me! Glad she did. Can’t stop giggling. Shared it on G+, FB, Twitter and Pinterest.

    1. Thank you for the social media love! I’m still reading through Susie’s comment list too! Such fun!

  16. Perineal, I always wondered what the right name for taint-related was. Now I can use it in a sentence such as: “He was handsome but his breath had a perineal essence.” Thanks, funny blog, will follow.

    1. Oooh, I do NOT want to meet the person whose breath has a “perineal essence”. Yikes! Thanks for the follow, Tom!

  17. LOL Sounds like something I would buy. My wife is always asking me what kind of shampoo I want. My usual answer, something to the effect of “whatever” or “its all the same” or “the cheapest one”, etc, etc. Guess I’ll have to amend my answer now to “whatever… as long as it’s not anus soap!!”

    1. Coincidentally, this is a multi-purpose cleanser and says *All Over Shampoo* on the bottle. 😀

  18. Fortunately, my stroke three years ago took some of those memories (which I am sure are based on truth) away. I do seem to remember one time when I was in a hurry and took a present I had received and rewrapped it – great, only to give it back to the person who gave it to me!
    Susie L Sent me!
    My contribution is a short story from about a week ago.
    http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/04/13/visitor-from-hell-a-short-story/
    Scott

    1. Whoops! I hope they forgave you! LOL. Thanks for stopping over!

  19. Hi Jess,
    Just dropped in from Susie’s party…,
    If I can stop laughing long enough to type it’ll be a miracle. I’ve got tears running down my face !!! Your father and my late mother-in-law must have been born under the same star. …anything that’s free…, take all you can get and share it with everybody !!! This is soooo funny.
    Paul

    1. I had a relapse moment a few nights ago when my honey and I were making spaghetti. I dumped the sauce in the pot, went to the sink, added some water in the jar, shoot it up, then proceeded to dump that in the pot too. I’m like, “Woh, flashback to childhood and not wasting ANY of the ketchup in the ketchup bottle!” What have I come to?!!

      1. Some habits learned in childhood are like creases in a pair of pants, they may fade or get fuzzy, but they never go away. I still do that with the catsup bottle too.

  20. OMG! So glad you posted this link on Susie’s blog. LMAO… And I thought my mom had a tendency towards bad gifts (when she doesn’t give money). One Christmas my mom gave my sister and me gift bags filled with all sorts of vitamins she thought we’d “need”. She’s a bit of a hypochondriac, so I’m sure you an imagine.

    Your dad has my mom beat hands down… 😀

    1. Maybe we could all get together sometime and trade fish oil for half used boxes of kleenex… Eh? Eh?

      1. We probably could! Recently she’s been making noises about building a chicken coop and raising chickens…I’m afraid of the moment when she decides to share her eggs…especially since she’ll probably make me go get them. 😉

        1. ARE WE RELATED?! For YEARS my dad set live traps to try to get rid of the squirrels in our neighborhood who made a mess of his birdfeeders. Problem was, those traps would also catch rabbits, ducks, and any number of birds including angry crows. Guess who the lucky person was that had to go and “free” these unsuspecting animals? My mom wasn’t going to do it, so yours truly had the pleasure. Good luck to you. Bring the eggs to our trade party!

          1. Will do! It’s moments like those, by the way, that have me grateful to live a little more than an hour away. Too much togetherness becomes toxic to my soul…LOL! Love mom dearly, but she could drive a saint to drink and I’m no one’s idea of a saint.

  21. Was hanging out a Susie’s party and stopped by. Any time anyone offers to make me laugh … dude I’m all for it, and this was a good one. I’m loving that gift totally funny, my dad hasn’t given butt soap, but there were a few homemade gifts that cracked me up, like his attempt to make homemade Pollo Loco, which incidentally tasted great, but the kitchen was a disaster. Cilantro everywhere. 🙂

    1. Is that what makes the pollo loco?? I’d like to see pictures of that!

  22. Here via Susie’s party. Should I consider this a “party favor?” I had no idea there WAS such a thing as butt cleaner. I’m still laughing . . . .

    1. Ah yes, it’s so great when we can continue our education no matter what our age, isn’t it? I recently educated my dad on the difference between “famous” and “infamous”. When I told him he was making quite the stardom buzz on twitter, he believed he was famous. I said, “No Dad, you’re infamous and that doesn’t mean you’re in “in fame”. *sigh*

  23. This is hilarious! I didn’t know there was such a thing! I guess it always pays to read the fine print. 🙂
    Thanks for partying with me!

  24. Here via Susie – thanks for making me laugh!

  25. […] in Boston and Plymouth, Massachusetts! Taking a vacation with my parents (hope Dad packed his butt soap) touring the sites and visiting the land and home of our pilgrim ancestors! Joe and I went 2 years […]

  26. […] serious, you guys. What if I start gifting my friends with bottles of free butt soap instead of actually going shopping for them? (my […]

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