The DFWcon Stalkathon

Hey y’all! I’ve spent my weekend in Texas and picked up a twang courtesy Julie Glover, my DFW Writers Conference roommate. I suppose that’s better than the “Canadian vernacular” that Tiffany White thinks I have. 😉

When stalking agents, editors, and keynote speakers at a conference, it’s good to remember a few tips.

1. Be stealthy.

Sneaking in and out of circles, cocktail parties, and classes requires stealth. The best masterminds always used gloves. Or so Jenny Hansen and Gloria Richard tell me.

Enter Handerpants.


Handerpants are gloves that look like underwear. These will keep you fashionably comfortable, because it’s important to breath…down there.  I’m talking about Texas, y’all! Get your mind outta the gutters!

Best part (or not so best part – depending on your fancy) is one size fits all!

Handerpants ModelsLike Oh My God, check out these awesome Handerpants!

2. Bring a bouncer.

Crowds can be overwhelming for writers. And if you find yourself swarmed by people, and you have to go to the bathroom really really bad, it’s good to have a bouncer or bodyguard to scare people out of your way. Julie and I found ourselves a grrrreat one!

(photo courtesy Donna Newton)

(photo courtesy Donna Newton)

3.  Feelin’ Lonely? Trust in the Strength of a Good Man!

Let’s face it, we women are completely in over our heads when it comes to writing. What would we talk to an agent about??? How to get make up stains out of your blouse? What color pearls go best with what appliance? Book writing is too dern hard! At the end of the day, we just want our man to sit down at the dinner table.

Meet Nigel “Schnookums” Blackwell

Tameri Nigel Jenny

Look! See how the women flock to his side!

Nigel is having a “Paris Love Match” with Tameri Etherton and Jenny Hansen! Scandalous!

4. Break the ice with a good old fashioned joke.

Everyone loves to laugh.

No, really they do. Who have you ever heard say, “You know what?” asked Mildred, “I think laughter is abominable!”

If you have heard that, you should probably not bring Mildred to the writers conference. Or your birthday party. Or the movies. Or anywhere there are people.

Jess Rachel Jenny

We know how to do it! Rachel Funk Heller‘s sides are still hurting from Jenny’s and my comic genius!

5. Travel in packs – that’s how nature’s best predators do it!

I once read in 3rd grade that a lion can leap a 3.5 meter fence with a whole cow in its jaws! Imagine what a whole herd could do!

WANA Group

Tameri Etherton can film an entire movie with nothing but a marble, a seesaw, and a Dixie cup.

Debra Kristi fights crime on the streets of California while baking cookies for her kids’ school fundraiser.

My superpower is laser vision that detects any and all bugs in the room within the first 5 minutes of entering.

Diana Beebe has the most beautiful singing voice, and all who hear it instantly adopt a shelter dog.

Melinda VanLone is secretly a fairy queen, running her magic mafia in the basement of an abandoned pizzeria.

and Nicole Grabner is the fashion stylist for both Lady Gaga and Grumpy Cat, neither of which look good in leggings.

That’s all for today folks! Tune in Friday for more DFWcon Stalkathon!

What are your best tips for conference attending? What do you do if you DON’T have handerpants in your purse?

50 responses

  1. Sounds like the conference was wonderful. I’m so glad.

    1. Missed you this year Jane!

  2. Wow, “Schnookums” – I mean, Nigel – looks like he’s having a good time! In fact, you all do…must be the handerpants! Thanks for sharing it with us, Jess! 😉

    1. Blame it on the handerpants!

  3. So jealous I couldn’t be there. It looks like you all had a blast!

    1. Great time! Hope you can join us next year!

  4. Very funny and entertaining post! 🙂

  5. Oh my! I think you all would have this introvert diving for cover! Handerpants? You ladies take things to a whole other playing field. Looks like you had a lot of fun though. Hope to get to that conference some day.

    1. That’s why you get a bouncer! Julie and I can share the bear with you!

    2. Lisa, I survived and I’m a huge introvert. I did need to come home and sleep for several hours, though. 😉 You know how it is.

  6. Another great one to add to

    1. Kirk, thank you SO much for your part in organizing and planning and sharing the conference with so many great writers! Had a great time and I know a lot of work went into it!

  7. Never been to a conference, but if I ever go, I’ll be sure to stock up on Handerpants before traveling down there.

    1. It’s really best if you do. *nods in approval*

    2. And be sure it’s DFW Conference.

  8. It was SO GREAT seeing you again!! I wish we had more time together!!

    1. Me too!!! I’m glad you came to conference.

  9. It was so great to meet you in person, Jess!
    Thanks for the most incredible super power ever. It’s perfect to hide my secret identity, because my alter ego can’t sing without making dogs howl. Great cover, huh?

    1. Can’t wait to see your stunning new author photo soon!

  10. WOW! You have a shouty TALK TO ME (!) for such a tiny, petite little thing, Jess.

    My recommendation? If you want to get noticed, gift a book with a title that follows the OMG! (of Jenny Jo Hansen fame) theme to…

    Jenny Jo!

    Then, follow her around showing her KA-SHNORTable advice for men with the malady. You WILL get noticed.

    Or, bonked on the noggin by aforementioned Jenny.

    1. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet our instigator.

    2. Gloria is completely the instigator. Now that I’m actually out of bed (get your mind out of the gutter…it’s been Flu Central here), I’m going to have to put up some of those instigator photos.

      1. I love our group of writers!!!!

  11. Guess I was just too small to notice.

    1. Not at all! But half my photos were on my camera and it’s brand new. I couldn’t figure out how to send them to my email or upload them. No joke! I was up until 1 am trying and by then the thing was just frozen. I had to take it apart… It was a mess! Standby. More photos to come.

  12. What a fun post, Jess! It was so great to finally meet you in person. I really do love my super power. Can I fight crime like Buffy? Or am I more like Black Widow? Either one works for me. 😀 And all that while baking cookies! Woo hoo! I’m so glad I made the decision to go and see everyone.

    1. Let’s go with Buffy. I like the original stake in the heart. But you know what would be funny, if you killed a guy with a cookie?! Like molasses cookie to the eye! BAM!

  13. So jealous I couldn’t be there with y’all! Poop! I even have a wig and a tiara!

    1. They never made it out! 😦 Would have been quite a scene.

  14. Aw. Looks and sounds like you all had a total blast! I think it’s important to be ourselves and have fun at cons, which y’all obviously did. 🙂

    1. How was the conference you went to? What did you speak about?

  15. So cute! Thanks for sharing, Jess. Great pictures and very funny anecdotes! I’m not so sure about those Handerpants though. 😀


    1. Well I’ve gotta “hand” it to Jenny Hansen – she sure makes em look good! 😉

  16. You slay me! The conference wouldn’t have been the same without you, Jess! The handerpants were a smash hit, and Schnookums, well, he’s just too adorable for words. I mean, really. Look at that face! I’m so glad I got to meet everyone there, what a fabulous weekend. My sides are still hurting from laughing so hard!

    1. Thanks for being such a great hand model. Now our readers know they can get a bedazzled version of the gloves.

      And I can’t wait to see your photos! Please send some to me!!!

      1. I will! I took, um, 267 the entire weekend. I have some editing to do… Yikes. My post should be up Friday and I’m totally linking to yours. This is priceless. A marble, a seesaw, and a dixie cup. Still. Laughing.

        1. Send them to me too, pretty please…..

        2. And, me, pretty please!

          You have my number. My cell number, too.

          You are a hoot, Ms. Sassy Flamingo.

  17. So great to see you, Jess!

    1. Loved seeing you too! Thanks for the sweet playing cards. I’m glad your presentation went so well!

  18. Great post, Jess! I’m hoping to see you and the WHOLE WANA tribe, next year.

    1. The whole WANA tribe?! I think we’d need our own conference space. Lol

      1. Yep, we are a growing family. ;-))

  19. As soon as I got home, I inexplicably devoured all of the cheese in my refrigerator. Huh. 😉

    Love this post, Jess! One of the definite benefits of the conference is seeing my writer friends face-to-face. Your face in particular is quite lovely! Hope to see it again soon. Best wishes with your writing!

    1. LOL. I love that rooming with you inexplicably made you eat all your cheese when you got home. That makes me very happy.

      I agree, your face is quite lovely and I’m so glad Tiffany set us up to be roomies 2 years ago. I’ll gladly do it any time! Miss you already! Who’s going to coordinate outfits with me now. Come to think of it, I’m rocking my jean jacket today…must be channeling you!

      1. Cool. Meanwhile, I’m rocking my pajamas. 😉

        1. That was me yesterday! See, we leave each other a few days and already our cycles are off! hahahhaha

  20. […] were there. Also, if you want a slightly shorter and much funnier recap, read Jess Witkins’s The DFWCon Stalkathon post here. Or, you can read Syndey Aalilyah’s My #DFWCon by the Numbers post here. She gives a quick […]

  21. […] Handerpants…Yep, that’s me and Jess Witkins below. She’s one of those wild ones. (Here’s her account of the confererence with some more photos. The comments are […]

  22. LMAO Handerpants, I MUST get a pair of those!

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