Local Vampire Attack Causes News Headlines

If you thought small towns were boring…

On Tuesday, May 13th, a vampire attacked a group of musicians in my town.

True story.

A man by the name of Scott Mehtala, 23, claimed he was a vampire when being arrested for assault and battery charges against guitarist, Nik Slimp.

Slimp’s band, American Fangs, had been playing in the local La Crosse Center, which Mehtala described as filled with “normals.” A “normal” is anyone who is not a vampire. In case you needed clarification.

After the show, Mehtala picked up a barricade and hurled it through the band’s tour bus window. When confronted by the guitarist, Mehtala punched him in the face. Slimp is reported to have a chipped tooth and required stitches. No confirmation has been made whether he was turned into a vampire or not. But if so, I suspect the chipped tooth is going to make dinner a messy one.

Police picked up Mehtala, who was high on heroin truthfully, and suffering from vampire attacks that were imaginary. Claiming the headlining band, Hollywood Undead, was actually a group of vampires forcing him to act out destructive behaviors like rip off a side mirror of a random vehicle.

flickr image courtesy Mrs Inman

The vampires made me do it…

New paranormal trend unearthed as Mehtala reportedly kept whispering to the police “Where are your tattoos?” No previous information about the fad of vampire inking is yet known.

Fortunately for Mehtala, if a vampire attack was to ensue, he confessed to police that his “super human hearing” would save him. He would be back in tip top shape in no time.

All he needed was a nap.

For the full article in the La Crosse Tribune click here.

What do you think? Is La Crosse, Wisconsin the new Mystic Falls? Should I start stocking up on garlic and wood stakes?

And where ARE your tattoos?

41 responses

  1. Hilarious! Pretty sure you should stock up on rubber stakes and garlic-scented mace 🙂

    1. They make garlic scented mace? Does it double as a seasoning? Will it work in my Misto? 😉

      1. See, I knew we were soul sisters. I have a Misto too, and thought those exact questions. 🙂

  2. Wow! Preventive measures are certainly called for here – consider rubbing some garlic on your side view mirrors, hide any tattoos and stay away from LaCrosse for a while. What’s this world coming to?? 🙂 I’ll never tell where my tattoo is. Let’s just say it’s in a place that (hopefully) won’t sag as time goes by… 😉

    1. Hahaha! You are definitely going to survive the vampire apocalypse with that attitude! And I’m definitely going to heed your advice about my side mirrors. Good call!

  3. Hm… The tattoo thing could definitely be used in a paranormal story! Remember that X-files where Skully’s love interest gets a “bad” tattoo with Jodi Foster’s voice, who talks him into killing people? Vampire tattoos. It could work.

    1. LOL. WHAT?!

      I was totally thinking Vampire Diaries and the tattoos meant you were a vampire hunter. But I like where you’re going with this…

  4. LOLOLOL I wonder if the police provided him with a coffin for his nap. 🙂

    1. Way to B Positive!

      I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself. 😛

  5. I heard about this on the news… the reporter found a lot of people claiming to be vampires. I just don’t know what to think. 🙂

    1. You heard about it in TEXAS? But we’re all the way up in CANADA!!!

  6. American Fangs? Hollywood Undead? Why does anybody not believe this guy was a vampire?!

    1. Perhaps I moved to Bon Temps, LA overnight. Care to join me at the new bar in town, Fangtasia?

      1. Ha. Haven’t watched that show in years. I didn’t think there was enough sex in it for my liking.

          1. I was being sarcastic, lol. But Six Feet Under is on my list of Things To Watch Someday. Michael C. Hall, right?

            1. I know you were sarcastic. I’ve come to get your humor.

              Seriously though, Six Feet Under has to be one of the BEST shows of all time. I warn you, one season will make you want to kill yourself it’s so depressing, but the finale episode is one of the truest and most beautiful endings I’ve ever seen!

            2. Oh, and yes, Michael C. Hall. ‘Nuff said.

  7. Huh, I would have guessed PCP with that level of violence.

    And really . . . I’ve been expecting this to happen. Ever since I read Interview with a Vampire, I’ve suspected that they are just living amongst us. It’s about time they showed themselves. I wonder if he was as pretty as Brad Pitt in the movie. I’d prefer that to the Tom Cruise version . . .

    1. Yah. Um. No. Not as pretty as Brad Pitt.

      I’m with you on them roaming about with us. Besides rock concerts, they can also be found at townie grills and bars, high school decade dances, and Seattle.

  8. Well, he does have superhuman hearing, so maybe he knows something we don’t. Like, tattoos are the markers for the apocalypse. You know who else would know? Frankie. We need to send Frankie to La Crosse to interview this guy! Dang, no one got his number, did they? We could sent Tiffany to Hurst to find him…

    1. Lol. He’s probably swimming with sharks and selling hot dogs in Cuba by now.

      1. He’s also getting his latest ex-girlfriend’s name filled in on his shark tattoo.

  9. Clearly you need this tattoo: https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcScV70Uz7sxyKNdKdpILNXJHp_gnCn9hX7JKDV2SkweLsqcu1Yt

    If the guitarist did become a vampire, he should thank the drug-addicted bloodsucker-wannabe. It’s hard to make it in the music biz, and being a vampire might be just the gimmick his band needs. He couldn’t possibly look any weirder than Gene Simmons did.

    1. A garlic tattoo! Of course you would know about this before me.

  10. I haven’t gotten any tattoos yet, but am considering changing that. I wonder if there is a way to incorporate garlic juice into the tattoo ink without infection.. Better safe than sorry!

    1. Did you look at the link Julie left in the comments? That may be the tattoo for you, dear!

      1. I’ll check it out. 🙂

  11. That is a crazy story! I kinda feel sorry for the guy–unless he has it all right and the vampires get all us “normals.” You might stock up on the demon fighting supplies. You may be our first line of defense! 🙂

    1. Well then we’re in trouble. LOL

  12. Naps help everything…didn’t you know? 🙂

    1. I do now. Thanks for the tip!

  13. Sometimes, I miss Wisconsin. This is one of those moments.

    Pardon me if you’ve already blogged on this, but you are familiar with the Wisconsin Death Trip photos I’m guessing? There is some pretty trippy stuff in the state’s history…

    1. Huh??? I must research this.

      I did meet Weird Wisconsin author Linda Godfrey. She told me the town I grew up in was right in the middle of the “eerie zone” where werewolves are said to roam. 😀

      1. Hmm interesting, I don’t know Linda, looking up…..central to upper Wisco definitely has a reputation among the paranormal enthusiasts though from what I remember.

        The WDT pictures are kind of scary, fair warning.

        1. One of my favorite memories from college is when a roommate of mine kidnapped me to go to an Unexplained Conference. That was the name of it, and it was full of paranormal researchers, books, and equipment. And fog machines. LOL

  14. […] Local Vampire Attack Causes News Headlines (jesswitkins.wordpress.com) […]

  15. This is fabulous. Thank you for sharing it. Totally made my morning.

    1. Welcome to my town. Home of the Bat Man, Lizard Man, and now vampires.

  16. […] the character Sloth from the movie The Goonies…). And I can tell you about ONE claimed vampire attack in 2013 that may in fact be a cover up by a moderately well known […]

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