Dinosaur Erotica? All in the Name of Research

There’s been a surge out there of Facebook and blog posts with the theme “You Know You’re a Writer if…” It’s considered perfectly normal for thriller writers to have a google search history containing things like: household items used in explosives, where to buy crack in Shipshewana, Indiana, and letters from death row inmates.

I, however, am not a thriller writer. I write humorous nonfiction. So what I do for research?

I read dino porn.

Let me explain.

Do you all follow Jenny Hansen? Because yes, I’m blaming her for this post. Jenny has a FABULOUS blog called More Cowbell, and one of her reoccurring blog series is about crazy book titles. Behold…Crazy Books, Part 9: Dinosaur Erotica.

Dinosaur Erotica Exists and It's Just as Amazing as You'd Imagine

image from Jezebel.com

*stands bashfully in the corner*

I don’t know if you guys knew this about me, but um…I love dinosaurs.

This 3-D flick is gonna rock y'all!

This 3-D flick is gonna rock y’all!

So after reading Jenny’s post, I thought I’d read one of these dino-porno-saurus texts. Ok.

I went with a classic. Taken by the T-Rex. And it’s only 19 pages!

Here is what I learned:

  • I do not, in fact, love dinosaurs.
  • I believe I like them an average amount. Meaning, I dig them in Spielberg films.
  • I am going to have nightmares from reading this book.
  • P.S. There was no plot. NO PLOT!

Let me tell you a little about the authors. Yep, plural. Because it takes two…to write less than 20 pages with no plot in something they define as the “monster sex” genre.

Meet Christie Sims!

Image of Christie SimsHi! I’m just a plain old, everyday Midwestern girl that lives a normal life. However, while my outward tastes are relatively simple, my inner thoughts are filled with lusty thoughts of big, strong, powerful monsters having their way with beautiful maidens.

Midwestern girl? I’m pretty freakin sure this isn’t a photo shot from Lake Michigan!

Meet Alara Branwen!

Image of Alara BranwenAlara Branwen is your typical college student by day, but by night she is a crafter of sexy, hot, sensuous, “monster” fantasy erotic fiction. All of her stories are based on her own desires, or from personal experiences.

The co-author is a dragon?! That’s why the book is co-written. Alara must be the cultural liaison for reptilian hard ons!

If you’re interested in learning more about this raptor-ous book series, (because there are many, many more), you can go on Amazon and look them up.

As for me? One and done!

I’m off to have nightmares now! Ta ta!

What do you think? I have to know!

 

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37 responses

  1. I am glad you discovered that you are a dinosaur lover and not a dinosaur LOVER, but this was an unfortunate way to have to do so. Yikes. Sorry for the nightmares. Maybe read some muppet porn to cleanse your palate? (It exists, sadly).

    1. Well, I’ve seen Avenue Q so that doesn’t shock or frighten me nearly as much. LOL

  2. So, let me ask you this: do the size of a dinosaur’s hands reflect the size of his, err, genitalia? If so…I pity the poor T. Rex.

    1. Maybe you should read the book for yourself!

      1. I have to admit, the cover IS pretty hot. She’s just laying there, scantily clad, waiting for that scaly reptile tongue to caress her body…

  3. Lol. This ‘monster erotica’ is quite popular then. I am glad you now realise you like dinosaurs just the average amount.

    1. Yes, I will be very careful with saying I love things, less people think that I LOVE things. Yikes!!!

  4. JESS Wilkins! I’m SHOCKED!

    There have been many, many books and whacky items posted on Jenny’s site that I actually purchased for product testing. Can we all say “handerpants?” In my pack to move, I realize I still have three pairs of those suckers. That’s at least three convention happy hours worth of fun to be had.

    That said, I did not have a winky-dink (Sorry, Reptilian Wonders — no offense) desire to purchase a book in this series.

    I did, however, purchase the Giant Coloring Book of Vajajays. OMG! They had names for the different types. And, graphic etchings to be colored. There was even a word search puzzle! GLURG! That investment took a quick trip to Dipsy Dumpster.

    Thanks for taking responsibility for Dinosaur erotica. I’m with you. That pic was not your typical Midwestern gal.

    1. LOL. Yah, Gloria, you’re just as much of an instigator I think as Jenny! You’re clearly both in cahoots!

      You know I sold chocolate vajayjays in college. True story. I acted in The Vagina Monologues for 4 years and every year around Valetines we sold chocolate vaginas on lollilop sticks. They were wonderful! 😀 If I find out they’re selling them again, I’ll totally buy some for you and Jenny!

  5. We are… confused, amused, but oh so intrigued. Mathair and I are pretty open-minded and are willing to try anything once, so why not? I, too, like dinosaurs (not love). I actually wanted to grow up and become an Indiana Jones/Tomb Raider-esque paleontologist, but I don’t think I’d be into digging up those kind of bones… if you know what I mean. LOL. BTW, what the hell are they feedin’ Midwestern gals up there. Crikes almighty! I heard them corn-fed boys were something, but… oh well… I’ll just go run a few laps and stick to nibbling on celery. LOL. Awesome post, Jess. You’ve got us scratching our heads and laughing our asses off.

    1. Yah, was this a confession or what?! Like you, I grew up watching Indiana Jones. I think it’d be so cool to be an archaeologist. However the characters in these books aren’t doctors, they’re like cave people. They refer to the T-Rex as the “big lizard” the WHOLE time!! It was so annoying. Seriously. #HeadDesk

  6. I haven’t read one of these, but one day I was joking around and mentioned that I might have to write erotica to make some money (now – if you know how shy I am, you’ll know why this was a joke) and a friend sent me a link to “Moaning for Big Foot”. She said that monster porn was really selling and I should try to write that. I couldn’t imagine why sex with Big Foot would be so hot, so of course I had to buy it. Guess what? I still have no clue. And can I just say for the record…. EWWWWWW!

    1. The crazy things we writers do just to know right?! Lol. I’m glad I’m not alone! Bigfoot or dinosaurs…EWWWWWW!

    2. Moaning for Bigfoot’s author is making 30k/month right now on Amazon. I just read that today.

      Evidently Bigfoot and Friends are red-hot lovers.

      What is our world coming to???? (If you know what I mean….)

      1. Holy…. Hmmm…. rethinking my shyness. 😉

      2. OMG! That is just insane! Do you think we’ll see any monster sex panelists at BlogHer?!

        1. I don’t know, but you can be sure we’d jockey for seats in the front row. 🙂

          1. We could wear our handerpants!

            1. Absolutely! You know we’d be the hit of the party in those. I’ve got a fab purple wig as well. 🙂

    1. I completely understand Lauralynn. It took me several months before I felt comfortable talking about this too. Lol

  7. *mouth drops open*

    I.. have no words.

    *collects self*

    I never knew monster sex was a genre. Hmm. I learn something new AND disturbing every day. Hehe.

    1. I have the same sentiments Ryan. LOL. That’s why it took me so long to work up the courage to share with you guys. But then I just found it so disgustingly funny I felt I had to. You’re welcome.

  8. So I, too, saw Jenny’s post about this particular erotica concept. I giggled, but was not tempted. I only find dinosaurs to be cute when they’re babies for the most part (or at least the way they’re portrayed in movies). That being said, I follow and subscribe to several bloggers who do reviews, etc. specializing in romance/erotica/erotic romance. One of my faves found the covers giggle-snort worthy, found it on sale and just HAD to see what the hullabaloo was all about….

    Here’s her review: http://www.herdingcats-burningsoup.com/2013/10/passion-of-t-rex-by-natalie-black.html

    BTW, as one who grew up near Lake Michigan I can definitively say that there’s definitely something seriously amiss with her pic….and no comment on her co-author.

    1. See that’s where my head was at. I look for funny stuff and it was only like $2, so I thought “what the hell!” Then after reading the thing I thought “What the hell?”

      I’ll check out the other review! Thanks Kitt!

      1. You’re preaching to the choir, sister… Totally get it. As for the review? I’m sure it’ll get a chuckle or two. 🙂

        1. Yah it did. I just read it. I’m mostly happy to know I’m not the only weirdo who picked one up and then regretted it. LOL

  9. LOL I am not a dino *lover* either I found. Bwaha. It really does take all kinds. There are some crazy little “books” out there. I get a kick out of them though. They’re just so incredibly bad they’re entertaining to me.

    1. Yah I’m like that with movies! There are a lot to check out! Lol

  10. Wow! I’m kinda glad you, er, took one for the team to find out about this.
    Sheesh. I bet that’s not even a real picture of Christie. Alara looks great though! 😀

    1. I know, right?! Where DOES she get her scales done?

  11. […] Jess Witkins, “Dinosaurs Love Underpants” is no “Taken by the T-Rex.” This here is some clean Undie Fun (i.e. You can open the package without squinching your eyes closed like you had to with that other book). […]

  12. […] YES I CAN instruct you how to do the Peanuts dance, why you SHOULDN’T buy dino erotica, what defined the 80’s (I’ll save you the read – it’s fanny packs), things […]

  13. […] am, however, none too crazy about dinosaur erotica. But I researched it […]

  14. […] I think the show’s worth a watch, if you can get past the narrator referring to them as “underwater apes”. That’s as bad as calling a tyrannosaurus rex a “big lizard.” […]

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