To Conceal and Carry…My Muffin Top, That Is

Flickr Creative Commons - Smileycreek

Flickr Creative Commons – Smileycreek

I’m making a confession today. I have a muffin top.

*phew* There, I said it.

I feel better now.

It started about a year ago when I quit my job. Don’t get me wrong, that is STILL the best decision I ever made. But I didn’t account for what would happen while transitioning from a 50-60 hour job where I was on my feet doing laps inside a mall…to sitting at a computer working, then coming home to…sit at a computer writing.

My diet habits changed drastically. While in retail, I worked so many hours and had interrupted breaks that I didn’t eat much at all for the 9-10 hour days I was there. But sitting at either my work desk or home desk, both conveniently right next to the kitchen…it’s a lot easier to snack throughout the day.

Without working out to balance my new lifestyle, my weight has fluctuated between 4-12 pounds in the past year. Now, I’m a rational person, and on a scale, that still has me at a perfectly normal and healthy weight for someone my size.

The problem is that it all sits on my middle.

I’m only 5’2″. I need all the length I can get, so adding width to my torso, not only isn’t working with my current wardrobe, but it’s affecting my self esteem.

Congratulations-Its-a-BurgerI might have been able to nip the weight gain in the butt tummy, if all I had to do this summer was lose a couple pounds. But I’m planning a wedding! And I’m on deadline to submit my book to potential agents.

My downfall has been that I want to go work out, but then I feel guilty that I’m not writing or working on wedding stuff, so I go home, but then I’m so stressed out I don’t know where to start and I end up moping around and wallowing the night away, making poor food choices on top it.

It’s tough to admit I’m still in transition. A whole year later and I haven’t magically “figured it all out.” As women, we grow up believing that on our wedding day we’re going to be the most beautiful woman in the room.

But I don’t feel beautiful.

All I see right now are my flaws. When I look in the mirror, I see my gut protruding over my pants and I see blemishes on my face.

And it makes me so sad and angry.

Sad, because I know deep down I’m pretty. And I hear my fiance tell me so. But I don’t listen, and worse, I’ve started countering him by pointing out my flaws.

Angry, because I have a degree in women’s gender and sexuality studies, so I know I’m suffering from body dysmorphia and yet, I don’t know how to turn that off.

But requiring two people to zip you into your wedding dress is a sure-fire way to put that doubt into hyperdrive.

I am a perfectly healthy and talented woman. But I’m struggling with doubt.

I am really struggling with doubt right now.

Is it just me? Is it the wedding? Is it the looming date of my 30th birthday and saying goodbye to the resilient body I had when things were good and I was still 25?

Is it potato chips? I have a hard time saying no to potato chips.

And what about society’s role in all this? My low body image issues have made me angry at society. Why have we invested so much energy into praising women for their looks rather than their brains? Why are more pages in women’s magazines filled with products for me to buy that will change my appearance “for the better” than there are articles about women making real strides for gender equality?

Aren’t we doing ourselves a disservice? Why does something as small as 4 pounds make a woman question her worth? Imagine if we spent half as much time renovating our education or health systems as we did staring in mirrors, avoiding mirrors, picking at our faces, being insulted by cat-calls, being insulted at our lack of cat calls, and only wearing open-toed shoes when our toenails are properly painted?!

We’d have solved the fucking issues by now! But instead, if you’re like me, or if you’ve been there before, we are too busy concealing that extra bit of weight we’ve gained.

Β ~Sincerely, Miffed and Muffin-topped,

Jess

 

 

 

 

 

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59 responses

  1. I hear you, girl. The scale and I have NOT been friends for a very long time! And yes, it’s the wedding stress. And I’m sure some of the book stress thrown in. And society, and media, and mirrors, and scales. All of it thrown together makes one cranky person. I know, believe me. I’ve been fighting with my weight and self-esteem for eons. I just recently saw a pic of me in a bikini during senior week that a friend posted on FB for one of those flashback things. And I looked GOOD. But, of course, I remember thinking I was FAT back then. Because I had curves. And wasn’t a size 2. But my tummy was flat and my ass fit into one zip code, so I was doing just fine. I would kill to go back to that kind of FAT.

    Once you get over the wedding and book stuff, I believe your mind will settle down a bit, and you will also have more time to work out if you want. I can’t help you with the chip thing, though. One of my huge cravings right now are Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream chips. Mmmmm, chips. πŸ˜‰

    1. Yes!!!!!!!! That is exactly it! I’m just feeling bombarded. And hyper aware about my body flaws because people around me are so much better at working out right now. And I just……want to trip them all. LOL No. Not really. But sometimes really.

      Ermagherd CHIPS!!!

  2. Did I write this???? I completely understand. I’ll be 49 tomorrow. I’ve heard it said that people become more self-accepting as they age. Hmmmm…still waiting for that. What helps me is getting out of my self-absorption and doing something meaningful for someone else. The glow that results from that outshines any subjective external beauty standards. I’m willing to bet that our perception of pore size is directly proportional to the amount of stress we’re under. Someone should do a study on that. If you’re a control freak and everything is out of your control, staring into your pores is all you have left. ROFL!!! Deep breaths, Jess. Deep breaths. This, too, shall pass.

    1. Wow. That’s brilliant right there. All I am in control of is my poor size. I also believe that just when I’ve figured out what 3 step remedy works on skin, my skin adapts and tells my soul to go f*ck itself. Right back to feeling self conscious!

      You should do that study, Madge. I’ll be an investor.

  3. Well, first thing… You aren’t fat, you ARE beautiful and… the myth is a lie. Women look wonderful in their wedding photos, but if you wedding is anything like mine or the majority of women I know, something is going to go wrong (even seriously wrong) and your going to spend a large portion of it looking like you pulled your hair out.

    And your photographer will make you shine. And your friends will tell you how lovely you were during your first dance. And you’ll remember the problems with a laugh just a few years later.

    It’s all good.

    As for the “right now” issue… Here’s a suggestion for exercise and planning: use Dragon Dictation on your smartphone. Exercise while planning. Walk with phone in hand and call venues, talk with the caterers and videographers and your bridesmaids. The walking will actually help relax you so you can deal with changes easier.

    Keep some extra water around. Buy chips in smaller bags, and take bites of each one, so they last longer (it helps). Just moving about will help you feel better about yourself, Jess.

    Society? One sane voice at a time.

    1. Eden, they should replace that Ghandi quote about “Be the change…” to your “Change: one sane person at a time.” πŸ™‚

      I should go for a walk. And I need to journal. My head wouldn’t feel so overloaded if I just wrote some of it out.

      What is dragon dictation? I’ve heard of it but how does it work?

      1. Jess, dragon dictation types what you say, once it’s figured out your speech patterns, which happens pretty fast.

        And, what Eden said. I’ve only one more thing to offer. Often we are thirsty when we think we are hungry. That’s where the extra water comes in handy.

        Society is bonkers, but we’ve had centuries of ignoring women’s brains, so I guess it couldn’t change in less than a century. πŸ™‚

        1. I should check Dragon Dictation out. Sounds awesome!

      2. I like that…. “Change: one sane person…” Think we need bumperstickers?

        Dragon Dictation is (at least on the iPhone) a free speech to text app that is related to the much bigger Dragon Naturally Speaking program for PCs. It requires internet access to work, since it doesn’t put the whole dictionary into the the phone, so you will use your data plan outside cafes and wifi areas. But it does a better than average job at recognizing words, so the after dictation edits aren’t too overpowering.

        I suggested it, because you might be able to dictate notes during walks or while on an exercise bike, etc.

  4. I have three words for you – South Beach Diet. It is specifically designed to attack the muffin top and it’s no fad diet. It was developed by a heart doctor. It’s a lifestyle that helps you know what to eat and how much, while allowing you those little splurges you want to take. It’s not all salad and protein shakes. It’s real food you buy at the grocery store and make in your own kitchen. I love their recipes. I’m a believer!

    1. That’s what I’m looking for. When my boyfriend wanted to cut dairy from our diet I thought I would die. All I craved was pizza and crackers loaded with Boursin! I need a diet lifestyle that is portion controlled but still tasty and doesn’t say no to any foods.

      1. My favorite thing is cheese and it’s in there.

  5. Yup, could have been me writing this. I don’t have the magic answer, but here’s what I do have to share with you:

    Stress of any kind can pack on the pounds (among other things) because of that nasty hormone cortisol. Sounds like next to preparing for an impending tsunami, you’ve got a shit-ton of stressful stuff coming down on you now.

    Remember that the SOLE purpose of a wedding is that you’re married at the end of it. As long as that happens, everything else is unnecessary, stress-inducing fluff.

    That means only you, your man and the person marrying you (and a witness or two, depending on the laws in your state) need to show up. If anyone else is there, that’s great, but not needed.

    That means if the food sucks, the photographer gets drunk, someone gets in a fight with someone else, it rains cougars and mastiffs, or your dress is a little tight, then you’ve got tons of writing material and good stories for later. Bonus!

    It’s all gonna work out. Promise!

    1. Oh too right! There’s always another book, Kelly!

      Thanks for the reminder on what really matters.

  6. Oh, me, too! I have a hard time with sweets. Every time I give them up, my muffin top shrinks, and then I convince myself that because my muffin top has shrunk, that I can eat a cookie again! It’s a vicious, ugly cycle.

    Yes, we are doing ourselves a disservice. Instead of picking at our flaws, we should build each other up. It’s hard, because our society glorifies women who get photographed by an entire team of professionals – hair, makeup, etc, – and then get airbrushed on top of it. How unreal can you get??? We should celebrate our “real-ness” if you ask me. πŸ™‚

    1. I needed that reminder. For budgetary reasons, I am doing my own hair and make up for the wedding and I’m afraid I will make myself look foolish or that the photos will turn out bad. I have to remember that the photos are there to capture a union between two people. They’re not going to be UV scans of skin damage or crows feet!

      1. It reminds me of photos I’ve seen of my grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ weddings. No makeup for either woman, plus very plain hair and simple dresses. But boy, I thought they looked just beautiful – their smiles were really the only “makeup” they needed. Yes, your photos are there to capture a union, which is far more important than any beauty “flaws” we think we have. Keep your mind on that and you’ll do just fine. πŸ™‚

  7. Oh, Honey …. You’re being so hard on yourself. First here’s a (((Hug))). Second, if you want to exchange some emails or chat on the phone about how to fit in fitness and healthy habits into your life, you know where I am. I’m thrilled to help. I promise it can be done without overwhelming you.

    Finally, here’s another (((hug))) because I think you need one.

    πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks Ginger! I am in awe of you and the strength your body has. Your focus is inspiring. I will definitely be in touch once the wedding is over.

  8. Listen to Ginger!

    Jess, I think most of us can relate to what you’re going through. I had menopause combined with changing from a college teaching job (where I stood and paced the room while interacting with my students, and walked 7 blocks back and forth from office to classroom buildings) to sitting on my keister all day, writing in front of the computer. And the kitchen a few steps away.

    But I found a routine with regular exercise, and learned to identify the booby traps, and now things are more under control. You’ll get there. Probably more after the wedding than before. Try not to freak out about it now. You’re going to look gorgeous, and we all want to see the pics! Hugs.

    1. If in doubt, can I borrow some extra ruffles from Concordia? Maybe a hoop skirt?

  9. I think you asked about 45 questions here of which I only have the answer to one: you’ll look beautiful on your wedding day no matter what. It’s a magic that’s real and always happens. Oh, how I sympathize, though. I’m 5’4″ and everything goes to my middle and nothing is worse than stress, which in your situation probably looks like a boulder. Meditation, mindfulness, yoga, exercise…these can help, but you must make time for them. Try to imagine yourself immediately AFTER the wedding…you’re relaxed and relieved that all went well in spite of your worries. Now use that to calm yourself now. I’m looking forward to the pictures! (((((Jess)))))

    1. We should have you be the photographer! You always snap such beautiful photos. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the cyber love. Listening to many of you, it’s clear I need to take a chill pill but do so in a way that involves walking. Be present, be with nature, find my focus again.

      1. You can walk and commune with nature (always a good choice) and you can also walk while practicing mindfulness meditation. Simply focus on your breathing while you walk or focus on your steps as your heel sets down and you roll onto the ball of your foot. Do that with each step. I do it when I start my walks. πŸ™‚

  10. Listen up, Jess: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I mean that in as friendly and no-I’m-not-hitting-on-you kind of way as possible. Muffin top?? Please. Society pisses me off by making somebody like you question your own beauty. And you’re turning 30! What I’d give for that. Chin up, girl: you’ve got it goin’ on!

    Now, go have another potato chip and quit stressing about it…

    1. Haha! Three cheers for the food blogger! Thanks Mark! It’s bizarre that for years I was looking forward to my 30’s and all of a sudden my weight fluctuation and how I’ve noticed my body respond differently as I age that 30 becomes daunting. A lot of that is the book too. I want to be published by 30. I feel like I wastes 6 years in retail when I could have been writing. I don’t want to lose anymore time. I went to 3 writers conferences with nothing to pitch! This was the first year I felt like I had a story worth telling! And I want to see that full circle.

  11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    1. Hahahaha. Thanks for the laugh, Rosie!

  12. Okay, psychologist here. First, take a deep breath. Second, realize that the key to stress management is pacing. There is only so much one can do in any day, week, month, year. So we have to set our priorities for each time frame–realistic priorities!–and then let the rest of it go until a later date when that thing can become the higher priority.

    And if we have a priority/expectation that we ourselves have set for ourselves (like being published by a certain age) then we may need to give ourselves permission to reassess that expectation. You’re only human, gal!

    I’m suspecting that trying to get a book to publishable status while planning a wedding is maybe more than is doable. Maybe I’m wrong since I don’t know quite where you are with either project, but it sounds like a lot to me. But if those are your two greatest priorities, than put aside worrying so much about your weight just now.

    Last fall my doctor said “lose weight.” Since he’s never said that before, I listened. And I knew he was right. But I also knew that I had a book to launch, a big Christmas trip planned, my husband’s hip surgery in January, and as it turned out, a summer house to clean out because it sold sooner than we had expected. I KNEW that trying to lose weight while dealing with all of that was a set up for failure. So I promised myself that weight loss would become a priority once those things were done, and I promised myself I would keep the promise. I have, and I’m losing, slowly but surely, mostly through increased exercise.

    Two last tidbits of advice and then I’ll shut up. Make the losing weight goal that you want to feel better, not for society or anybody else, even Joe. And stop buying potato chips and bringing them home. Just have them as a treat occasionally when you go out. Some things we just can’t have in the house ’cause they will call out to us when our resolve is low. πŸ™‚

    1. That’s really sound advice, Kassandra, thank you. I kinda reached that resolve once June hit, that the weight just is what it is and I can worry about that after the wedding. Doesn’t mean I don’t have panicked relapses when I draw in a big breath to button my pants, but I’m a work in progress.

      And yes to the potato chip rule. I had for awhile only been purchasing organic chips because the price point was higher and not in my budget, which meant I had to ration them out longer. That did help. And it’s good that summer is here too. Warm days tend to make me want to eat lighter, fresh foods whereas winter I crave comfort food and lots of carbs. I’m hoping our office joins a CSA program again so I can order fresh produce, but if they don’t it’s more incentive to get to the actual farmer’s market and maybe go for a walk while I’m at it.

  13. Oh and {{Hugs}} How could I forget the hugs? *head to desk*

  14. I try to wear clothes that are most flattering and hide my muffin top. But I don’t stress or obsess about it. I’m way past that. Right now, I’m trying to lose weight for my health…the rest is a good by-product of that. I think maybe the wedding is the thing that’s stressing you the most. This is a special day, and you want to look your best. But if your dress actually fits and your fiance thinks you’re beautiful, go with that! I know you’re a beautiful person, and the looks are just a plus, right? Take a deep breath. Love yourself. πŸ™‚

    1. I think that’s why I liked Stitch Fix so much too. By putting in the right sizes for me now, I am getting some new clothes that fit and still look good. Shorts shopping is the worst, second only to swimsuits. I hate shopping for shorts. They’re just so…SHORT! I love that my stylist sent me a normal size and pair of shorts that is comfortable and not suction cupped to my thighs. They will be going in my suitcase for sure!

      And yes, my dress is gorgeous. πŸ˜‰

  15. Keep on keepin’ on, girl. I’m there too.

    1. It’s so frustrating, isn’t it?! When your brain and your eyes tell you different things. Grrr! Hang in there, Susie! I’m with you too!

  16. That burger picture made me choke on my tea. πŸ™‚
    Jess, many of us women struggle with body issues, and with a wedding on the horizon, it’s totally normal for you to be feeling stress. Take a deep breath and tell yourself to stop being hard on yourself!
    I just read this article http://reclusivefox.com/be-a-friend-to-women/ about women being the worst for slagging other women off, and it’s true. We give out saying it’s a man’s world, and women should have equal opportunities, and so on, but we’re the ones who tear each other down. I’m trying to make a conscious effort myself these days that when I’m out with the girls, I try to become aware of when the conversation starts sliding toward criticising another woman and think how would I feel if a woman across the pub was laughing to her friends about my outfit or hair do or something.

    1. Oh you called it, Emma! I think it’s the biggest mask most women wear. We hide our own insecurities or rank ourselves higher than so and so because they dress frumpy or their roots show. Whatever! That doesn’t make them less capable of doing a job than the next person. I caught myself doing this over the weekend, while I was writing this post, and that’s what prompted the last couple paragraphs is that we do obsess over appearance by media standards far too much. You called it, girl. I love what you’re doing for yourself and your girlfriends with the conversation. That rules!

  17. I actually had someone ask me if I was going to try to lose weight before my wedding. Now, I’m not “thin”, but I’m not fat either. Society is so preoccupied with a woman’s appearance, it’s depressing. Awareness is the first step to recovery, though! At least, that’s what I keep telling myself…

    You’re beautiful just the way you are πŸ™‚

    1. OMG – I would slap that person. But I get it. My Facebook was flooded with diet ads and bridesmaids dress websites. We’re not even having a bridal party! *throws hands in the hair*

  18. On my wedding day, I was 4 sizes bigger than I am now. AND I bawled off most of my makeup before the photos because of a fiasco with my dog running away from the house of the family member who was watching her while we were honeymooning! Many years letter, that got me a story in Chicken Soup : ). I don’t know WHY weddings (especially combined with all the other pressures you’ve got going on) make us so harsh on ourselves, but they do. You are beautiful! So much light and energy shines from you in just about every picture I’ve seen. You are a gorgeous woman who will make a gorgeous bride. I’ve grown tired over the years of trying to look like a show pony while working like a plowhouse. I DO still try, but only when I feel like it : ).

    1. Well that is definitely a publication worthy tale, Pam! Damn! I don’t blame you for bawling. Did you ever find your dog after that?

      And what a spot on metaphor about having to look like a show pony while working like a plow horse. Remember to treat yourself once in awhile too! I know you’ve had a lot of transition in your life lately, missing your mom, starting a new blog, working on your book. Keep at it friend! You’re still my cyber-sister. *hugs*

      1. Yes, we found the little brat. My uncle found her wandering in the park 15 minutes before the photographer arrived. Hence the bawling … it was happy bawling, but still bad for the mascara! Big hugs!

  19. Oh, I hadn’t heard that line in a long time, and I love it! We’re supposed to look like show ponies while working like plowhorses. And I think the pressure is even worse today. In some ways, “liberation” just means we’re supposed to do everything the men do, but still look all svelte and cute and feminine. Yeah, you try it, guys!

    And by the way, Jess, I agree with all the folks here who have said that you already look great! You have such a sparkle about you. Don’t let the stress of the wedding or worrying about your weight, or anything else, diminish that shine!

  20. (hugs) I totally understand. The first thing to throw out- the guilt, if you don’t take care of yourself, eat healthy, sleep, and workout, then everything else suffers. You deserve to give yourself the time to take care of yourself. And we all fall into these traps. I hope your able to find your way out of it soon, because you deserve to have more joy in your life than self doubt.

    1. Thank you Alica. I know it’s just the looming stress of so many deadlines and tasks to complete. And the guilt for taking time to do anything else is what gets me. I’ve always been bad at patience.

  21. Transitions are hard! And I think all writers feel that guilt of not writing. But I think exercise is even more important for us creative people. It isn’t about weight. The solution to that problem is to stop weighing yourself. Unless you’re a competitive wrestler, you don’t need to own a scale. It’s about how your body moves and feels- what it can do. The endorphins from exercise will also make you feel better. I think it’s important that we all plan time for ourselves. We deserve it. And it makes our writing and relationships so much better. Thanks for sharing. This is something a lot of us deal with.

    1. I try to sit whenever possible when I’m writing. Just seeing sunlight and people or green grass and flowers motivates me.

  22. in a few months I’ll be 40. I have five stubborn pounds that will not go away. I blame impending menopause. For the first time ever, last week a woman congratulated me on my (non-existent) pregnancy! I identified with your graphic above. I guess I’m carrying a cookie baby! Or a wine baby πŸ™‚ It is demoralizing, because like you I know better–that I should feel great as a woman even if there are a few extra pounds here and there. But it’s hard.

    1. I just think as women we feel a lot of pressure. I know men deal with body dysmorphia too, but beer guts and extra pounds are more accepted on them. They can still be the leading man in movies and even get the girl! Women don’t have that! Normal body weights are classified plus size and they’re cast as the quirky best friend. They don’t get the guy or the lead role.

      That’s one of the reasons I adore Lena Dunham for baring it all on her show Girls. She’s representing a real body type. Go Lena!

  23. This Minneapolis blogger often writes about body image in a good way: http://www.alreadypretty.com.
    I can scarcely think of a woman who doesn’t bemoan her weight, myself included, even though most of us are well within normal range. I don’t know what it will take to be able to enjoy dessert without thinking of the caloric consequences.
    I certainly understand your Catch 22–been there, still doing it. Brides are beautiful. No matter what. Period. The End.

    1. I will check out this blogger. Awesome! Thanks!

      Yes. Dessert. What a jackhole! But I’m a salt fan so my undoing is chips and cheeseburgers. Who doesn’t love a good cheeseburger from the pub?

      Oh and wait till you hear my crazy wedding dream tomorrow! Scary!

  24. karenmcfarland | Reply

    Well look at all the comments on this subject Jess. Holy cow! See how much we all love you? Yep, it’s true. News flash! If you didn’t tell us you were suffering from Muffintopidus, we would never have known. But nevertheless, we’re here for you girl! And who doesn’t have a muffintop? And if they don’t, I am suspicious that they’re hiding it somewhere. Hey, at least you’re honest about it. And the fiancΓ© loves you, thinks your the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and wants to spend the rest of his life with you! Hello! Let’s cry it from the muffintops! Yet, may I suggest that you give yourself permission to enjoy this time in your life? In my humble opinion, which may not carry much weight here, (no pun intended), the wedding supersedes all else until said wedding is over with!!! I know it may be a rarity these days, call me old fashioned, but this is THE BIG DAY! As in, once in a lifetime. Well, it’s supposed to be. Kinda. So enjoy the process girl! Don’t let anything or anyone take the specialness out of the meaning of this moment. It is your special day and you will be a gorgeous bride! ((Hugs!))

    1. Go cry it from the Muffintops! LMAO

      I love it! And I love you. Thank you for your kind words. Isn’t it strange we must grant ourselves permission to do and feel things for ourselves? How twisted, but true.

  25. Jess, This is a great post. I so love your honesty. Sadly, I (and I’m sure others) can relate all too well. I’m not sure I have it figured out yet, but when I can be more mindful and have days of intention seem to make a difference. Starting my days with meditation and ending them with written intentions for the next day has really helped center me. You are so lovely, my lovely! And listen to your fiancΓ©e πŸ™‚

    1. Thanks Kelly! I knew I wasn’t alone, but it’s still hard to adjust, especially when the change happened so fast. I think meditations do help. I also have issues with acne, and have for years. I find things that help, but only for so long before my skin takes over again and acts up. I’ve recently started repeating the mantra “This day is not about my face” because I realized that worrying about my acne was keeping me from doing things with friends and that’s no way to live. So, I am making a new day of things with my mantra and living life fully. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with me!

      1. I love your mantra! It’s true and appropriate, yet also funny — which suits you πŸ™‚

  26. […] To Conceal and Carry…My Muffin Top, That Is […]

  27. […] my 30th birthday gets closer, I’ve been battling some body dysmorphia. I wrote about it in To Conceal and Carry…My Muffin Top. Besides recent weight gain, I have trouble with adult acne. It began as “teenage” […]

  28. […] I wanted and not gaining a pound went away. Now I have a license to conceal and carry…my muffin top. As the youngest of four, I have fond memories of sibling scrabbles and epic battles of making […]

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