Thoughts On Selling My Oldest Niece, or Why Grammar Is Important

I was in Madison this past weekend visiting family when I drove by a rather peculiar sign on a highly trafficked street corner.

Huge Kids SaleMy immediate thoughts were, “Someone alert the authorities! They’re selling above average sized children on their lot!”

But then I thought, “Where can I find some large kidlets to sell? I could use some extra cash.”

And that’s when I looked schemingly at my niece and nephew. *rubs hands together*

My niece, who is 12, is only about 1 inch shorter than me, if that. She has taken on, with great gusto might I add, the goal of growing taller than several members of our family. I am the next name on her list.

Yes, she has a list.

When I arrived earlier that day at my brother’s house, I learned I was going to be sharing a room with my niece for the night. While carrying my backpack to the guest mattress they had laid out, she noticed a pair of shoes sticking out of my bag.

Niece:  “Oh good, you brought the shoes I like!”

Me:  “I like them too. That’s why I STILL WEAR them.”

Suffice it to say, after we arrived back to their house, having seen the sign for the “HUGE KIDS SALE,” my mind was full of ideas.

Ideas that raised my eyebrows when I saw my niece walk across the living room wearing my shoes – that fit her – on her 12 year old feet. I am almost 29.

And then when I saw her proceed to gulp down a glass of lemonade and eat several slices of banana bread smeared in butter, I may have uttered in a kind of creepy voice, “Good, good. Eat up, my pretty. I’ll make more at the market in the morning.” *followed by more hand rubbing*

My niece giggled at me and put my shoes back in my bag.

Now how come my brother has never asked me to babysit?




18 responses

  1. So precious. 🙂 Your kin’s so lucky to have you!

    1. I’m not sure my niece thinks so. 😉

  2. Ah, the things a lack of an apostrophe can lead to.

    1. Whatever, I want my money.

  3. I get it. Whenever I go to a yard sale, I like to ask the owners if the flower beds and elm tree are included. Good times, I tell ya!

    1. I approve. Go forth and claim your landscaping.

  4. LOL Why didn’t I think of this while my niece was still a kid; she was always a tall one. I just didn’t know there was a market for huge kids. *sigh*

    1. Nor did I, Kassandra. But it exists and I’m not above threatening to use it.

  5. Maybe your brother is on to your nefarious scheming… 😉

    1. Hmmm I must try and limit my hand rubbing.

  6. This post is hilariously adorable, Jess. What a great aunt you are. 🙂

    1. I think it’s caused I was raised a little on that idea of if you don’t behave, we’re selling you to the gypsies. LOL

  7. Ah, kids, they will try! Gotta hand it to her. At least she has good taste. Just watch your back! 🙂

    1. A few more years and she could probably steal my clothes!

  8. It’s true — the smaller kids don’t sell nearly as well. You usually have to offer buy one, get one free.

    1. That’s why you fatten em up first!

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