Sh*t My Husband Says While Sleeping

Set your coffee down, folks! It’s time for another round of “Sh*t My Husband Says While Sleeping,” the reoccurring blog series that pops up…whenever I remember to write down the batsh*t things comin’ outa his mouth!

First, meet my husband.


This is Joe.
He likes short walks through the grocery store, old school Keanu Reeves movies,
and growing facial hair.


Now, Joe talks in his sleep. When that happens, he occasionally refers to me as “his little pear juice.”

It isn’t all the time, and he can’t control it, but he says the WEIRDEST things when he sleep talks.

Here are a few of his latest sleep disturbances…

Example No. 1


Joe: Did you wanna take the bear?

Me: What bear? What’s his name?

Joe: Holia.

Me: Where’d you meet him?



Example No. 2


Joe: Mmmm Mmmm good! That’s what it is.

Me: What’s good?

Joe: Crackers… And email…. Just kidding about the email. *giggles*


And this is what I deal with on a somewhat regular basis.

On the flip side, if his REM antics become popular, I might consider switching the tag line of this blog to “Mmmm Mmmm good. That’s what it is.” How do you think that’ll look on a business card?

Do you know someone who talks in their sleep?
Where do YOU think Joe met the bear?

39 responses

  1. I once told my roommate to smell my hair in my sleep. When she asked me what I had just said, I replied “ah, shut up bitch!”

    1. LOL. People can be so mean when they’re asleep. Joe has also name called before, the little turd.

  2. I think that’s the perfect tag line! This post had me giggling. Your husband is hilarious. Mine never says anything in his sleep, he just snores like a chainsaw. You’re lucky, Jess.

    1. Um Joe snores too. Loudly and for a long time. Which is why I dig my elbow into his side steadily and with irritation.

  3. My husband once said, “Your goose is on fire!” Um, okay.

    1. Hahahaha! I hope your goose is doing well enough now.

  4. My ex worked the graveyard shift, so I was often awake to hear his sleep rants. My favorite: “She always carried three dustpans, so as not to catch cold. But it beats the hell out of me why she had three dustpans and no broom.”

    1. LOL. That’s fantastic! That should be the tag line for your blog! I’m dying laughing so hard. Please say he did it with a British accent!! Please.

    1. Good thing my husband also finds it funny.

  5. LOL Too awesome! My brother once sat up while our whole family was camping and shouted, “Simka! I am coming!” No one has any clue what he meant.

    1. Awesome! Sounds epic. I hope he meets his Simka one day.

  6. Too funny! My husband is a member of Maineiac’s “snores like a chainsaw” category. *pass the earplugs please*

    1. So is Joe. Try elbowing him. That’s what triggers him to talk sometimes.

  7. Ha,ha,ha! My husband’s college roommate used to fight off imagined intruders in their room while he slept. He would yell at “them” and tell them he was going to kill them. It scared the shit out of my husband who would wake up thinking someone was in the room about to murder them. 🙂

    Good luck with your nights and I look forward to future sleep disturbance reports. 🙂

    1. Oh man! I’d be so pissed too if that’s how I woke up. Terrifying! There’s no falling back asleep after that.

  8. Tara moans in her sleep. Luckily, we warned Audrey in advance when we all shared a hotel room during our recent road trip. Otherwise, she might have gotten the wrong idea, and that’s the sort of embarrassment I’d prefer to avoid!

    1. I remember you saying that. My youngest niece does this too when she’s falling asleep. So funny.

  9. Damn! I should remember to write down what Mr. Muse says those rare occasions that he talks in his sleep. Usually it’s just me evading his RLS kicks and punches or waking up to push him to tell him, “you gotta roll over,” because he’s snoring.

    1. Oh there’s a LOT of that going on here too!

  10. My daughter once told her cousin to use his own bathroom. LOL.

    1. Well that is a legitimate request.

  11. He met the bear through email. Duh.

    My hubs mumbles occasionally. I hardly ever remember what he says, but sometimes I try to get him to have conversations with me to see what he’s talking about. Although, on the flip side, he once punched me in the head while he was sleeping. I woke his ass up and asked what he was dreaming about, and apparently he was trying to protect me from an encircling horde of evil doers that were attacking us. He had a funny way of showing it!

    1. All the punching while sleeping stories I’ve heard involve epic battles. Note to self: if Joe ever mentions a war, ask about it from behind the safety of a pillow barrier.

  12. I wonder if the bear is related to the trauma suffered at Yellow Stone?

    1. Well, this bear seemed nice, or so he led me to presume.

  13. Ha! this is hilarious! Wish I’d had the forethought to write down what my college roommate used to say…although half of it was in French.

    1. I had a roommate who would only talk in Spanish when she was drunk!

  14. Good thing my hubby was driving. I be laughing hard!

    1. Glad to hear it Kim! Stay safe and laugh on!

  15. […] That’s Gloria Richard and Jess Witkins above in a Handerpants […]

  16. This whole post cracked me up!

    1. Welcome to married life! See what you have to look forward to. 😉

  17. Bwahahahaha. My hubby has spoken in his sleep from time to time, usually financial related rants and sometime references to biscuits or cheese *shrug*. My kiddos also talk in their sleep from time to time. My son once chanted “chihuahua” over and over.

    1. Does he want a dog? Or biscuits? LOL

  18. […] Joe talks in his sleep. Sometimes he calls me his “little pear juice” or starts laughing about crackers and […]

  19. […] also talks in his sleep. Sometimes he laughs about things like crackers and email, and other times he stresses over where to store hot […]

Tell me a story...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: