On Christmas Day, I developed a slight cough. And here we are, eleven days later, still congested.
“The Crud,” otherwise known as the sneezing, coughing, fever-inducing, runny nose, sore throat, barking up so much phlegm you choke, insomniac chest cold from hell, is plaguing our nation right now. SOME may even say…he’s a terrorist.
He laughs in the face of cough drops!
(And I mean, how can you spite Burt’s Bees cough drops? Look at Burt. He looks like a wily sea captain that will cast his net into the great depths and bring you back goat’s milk hand lotion and chapstick that smells like pomegranates!)
The Crud is not to be trusted. It should be avoided at all costs. And those that have it should be quarantined.
Therefore, prepare yourselves!
Ten Signs You’ve Caught “The Crud”
1. Your Cough Has Taken On the Sound of a Didgeridoo
You never knew you were capable of circular breathing until you choked so desperately for air that you managed to siphon it in through the one nostril that’s open and simultaneously blast it out through your gaping gob of a mouth.
2. You’ve Tried at Least 5 Different Brands of Cough Drops
80% honey? Sugar-free? Menthol? Vitamin C? At least one of these has to work! Right? RIGHT?!! Try stuffing them all in at once. That’s what I’m planning to do next.
3. All Trash Cans are Filled with 75% kleenex, 20% medicinal packaging, and 5% food.
If, and I say if, you survive the crud, you are required by law to plant at least a dozen trees or make a substantial donation to the National Park Service in exchange for the sheer amount of tissues you’ve desecrated with your nasty insides.
4. “P.M.” Stands for “Probably, it’s Morning”
You shall never again know what sweet dreams and rest feel like, rather you shall settle uncomfortably in a half upright position for all the days ever after. If you so much as think about laying on your side, the Crud will release the hell hounds of Mount Doom upon your chest and throat. In other words…sleep? Good luck, motherfucker!
5. Your Contamination is So Vile, You’ve Been Quarantined
I had a husband once. He used to sleep beside me and we would spoon. Now, he sleeps on a mattress pad in our living room because my “episodes” have scared him away. He falls asleep with The Wonder Years cranked high on the TV, blocking out the sound of my death rattle coughs.
You will try anything to rid yourself of the symptoms of the Crud. Your nightstand will look like a war map of acetaminophen vs. dextromethorphan. You will stop wincing at the $40 tab each time the pharmacist hands you a box of pills that will last only a few days. You start buying ibuprofen by the 1,000 count. And when YOU put the last bottle on the shelf of NyQuil Severe Cold, you will think to yourself, “Winning!”
7. You’ve Started Ending All Your Tweets With the Hashtag #TellMyMotherILoveHer
You may die at any moment. Of boredom. For the Crud leaves you wide awake to watch the hours tick by, but just weak enough to confine you to bed, so all you have the energy to do is send messages from your phone about this plague in 140 characters or less.
8. Your Bathroom Scale Still Tells You You’re Fat
When you finally muster the strength to wash yourself, you step onto the bathroom scale, thinking “Well, at least this godforsaken illness must’ve helped me shed a few pounds!” To your dismay, your mucus now has more muscle mass than you do. And ironically, you’ve gained weight.
9. Animals Think You’re Pathetic
Remember how you were so excited to dog sit for your brother’s dog while his family went skiing in Colorado? You were going to take the pup on all these long walks and play fetch and buy her treats? Well, she’s turned into Nana from Peter Pan and thinks you need help more than she does.
10. You’ve Been In the Same Clothes for Three Days or More
You haven’t showered. You’ve slathered your chest with Vicks vapo-rub, and your hands are cracked and bleeding from the number of times you’ve washed them. You’ve begun to draft an email to your boss asking whether flannel pajama bottoms and fuzzy slipper socks are acceptable office wear. It’s called Casual Monday, right?
If you’re showing any of these symptoms, you’ve caught
Start popping cough drops and rest up, World!