Does This Mucus Make Me Look Fat? 10 Signs You’ve Caught “The Crud”

QuarantinedI caught the crud.

On Christmas Day, I developed a slight cough. And here we are, eleven days later, still congested.

“The Crud,” otherwise known as the sneezing, coughing, fever-inducing, runny nose, sore throat, barking up so much phlegm you choke, insomniac chest cold from hell, is plaguing our nation right now. SOME may even say…he’s a terrorist.

He laughs in the face of cough drops!

(And I mean, how can you spite Burt’s Bees cough drops? Look at Burt. He looks like a wily sea captain that will cast his net into the great depths and bring you back goat’s milk hand lotion and chapstick that smells like pomegranates!)

The Crud is not to be trusted. It should be avoided at all costs. And those that have it should be quarantined.

Therefore, prepare yourselves!

Ten Signs You’ve Caught “The Crud”

1. Your Cough Has Taken On the Sound of a Didgeridoo

You never knew you were capable of circular breathing until you choked so desperately for air that you managed to siphon it in through the one nostril that’s open and simultaneously blast it out through your gaping gob of a mouth.

2. You’ve Tried at Least 5 Different Brands of Cough Drops

80% honey? Sugar-free? Menthol? Vitamin C? At least one of these has to work! Right? RIGHT?!! Try stuffing them all in at once. That’s what I’m planning to do next.

3. All Trash Cans are Filled with 75% kleenex, 20% medicinal packaging, and 5% food. 

If, and I say if, you survive the crud, you are required by law to plant at least a dozen trees or make a substantial donation to the National Park Service in exchange for the sheer amount of tissues you’ve desecrated with your nasty insides.

4. “P.M.” Stands for “Probably, it’s Morning”

You shall never again know what sweet dreams and rest feel like, rather you shall settle uncomfortably in a half upright position for all the days ever after. If you so much as think about laying on your side, the Crud will release the hell hounds of Mount Doom upon your chest and throat. In other words…sleep? Good luck, motherfucker!

5. Your Contamination is So Vile, You’ve Been Quarantined

I had a husband once. He used to sleep beside me and we would spoon. Now, he sleeps on a mattress pad in our living room because my “episodes” have scared him away. He falls asleep with The Wonder Years cranked high on the TV, blocking out the sound of my death rattle coughs.

Medicine on Nightstand6. You’ve Spent Half a Month’s Rent on Drugs

You will try anything to rid yourself of the symptoms of the Crud. Your nightstand will look like a war map of acetaminophen vs. dextromethorphan. You will stop wincing at the $40 tab each time the pharmacist hands you a box of pills that will last only a few days. You start buying ibuprofen by the 1,000 count. And when YOU put the last bottle on the shelf of NyQuil Severe Cold, you will think to yourself, “Winning!”

7. You’ve Started Ending All Your Tweets With the Hashtag #TellMyMotherILoveHer

You may die at any moment. Of boredom. For the Crud leaves you wide awake to watch the hours tick by, but just weak enough to confine you to bed, so all you have the energy to do is send messages from your phone about this plague in 140 characters or less.

8. Your Bathroom Scale Still Tells You You’re Fat

When you finally muster the strength to wash yourself, you step onto the bathroom scale, thinking “Well, at least this godforsaken illness must’ve helped me shed a few pounds!” To your dismay, your mucus now has more muscle mass than you do. And ironically, you’ve gained weight.

9. Animals Think You’re Pathetic

Remember how you were so excited to dog sit for your brother’s dog while his family went skiing in Colorado? You were going to take the pup on all these long walks and play fetch and buy her treats? Well, she’s turned into Nana from Peter Pan and thinks you need help more than she does.


10. You’ve Been In the Same Clothes for Three Days or More

You haven’t showered. You’ve slathered your chest with Vicks vapo-rub, and your hands are cracked and bleeding from the number of times you’ve washed them. You’ve begun to draft an email to your boss asking whether flannel pajama bottoms and fuzzy slipper socks are acceptable office wear. It’s called Casual Monday, right?

If you’re showing any of these symptoms, you’ve caught

Start popping cough drops and rest up, World!


32 responses

  1. Renee Schuls-Jacobson | Reply

    Aw poop. Hope you feel better soon. xo Renée A. Schuls-Jacobson Writer • Artist • Hat Enthusiast

    Blog: >

    1. Thank you Renee! Appreciate the well wishes.

  2. Sorry to hear you’re still under the weather! Hope you get back to the keyboard soon (perhaps you’ve had a bit more time to read, though…).

    1. I did get some reading done. You should check out Illuminations by Mary Sharatt. It’s about Hildegard von Bingen.

  3. Feel better, Jess! I had to nod knowingly at #8 – I mean, if we’re going to suffer with the crud, can’t we at least lose a few pounds?? 😉

    1. I know, right?! What’s up with that?

  4. I’m certainly no homeopathic guy but when I get sick I swear by drinking TONS of water, spending lots of time with my face over a steaming pot of boiling water and gargling with salt water and apple cider vinegar. Works every time! Hope you start feeling better.

    1. I’ll try anything. Definitely the fluids help! Thanks for the other tips!

  5. I hope you feel better soon! I had laryngitis in October and fought off a cold after Christmas. I slept a lot and it worked!

    1. I wish I could! That’s my struggle. I can’t sleep. I keep waking up coughing. Over and over again. Ugh!

  6. Yikes, you poor thing! At least the crud hasn’t affected your sense of humor: “Your mucus now has more muscle mass than you do.” ROFL! Feel better soon!

    1. Thank you Kathy! If I didn’t laugh about it, I’d cry. Stupid sickness!

  7. Hope you’re resting up a storm and feel better soon! *big hugs*

    1. Thanks August! I have still a fur baby keeping me company, which is nice. 🙂

  8. I sit here today, working from home, because I too have the crud. On top of a 3-day hospital stay. It’s official: the universe hates me.

    Feel better soon.

    1. I’m slowly working my way through the blogosphere I’ve missed. I have four of your blog posts up in my queue right now.

      Glad you’re home. Sorry you caught the crud. Tell me if you find a kind of cough drop that works.

  9. So sorry the crud found you, Jess! I admire your sense of humor about it. I’d be throwing things at the walls about now in your shoes. Hubs has had the crud since before Christmas and it is still lingering, even after a round of antibiotics. And my son and cousin had stomach viruses when we were visiting. Ah, the gift that keeps on giving–germs!

    I’ve been very lucky so far, but I might try that gargling with salt water and cider vinegar thing. Does that work like garlic with vampires?

    1. LOL. Are you concerned about vampires, Kassandra? Can they drain mucus as well as blood? I’d be willing to let them try.

      1. LOL Next vampire I see, I’ll point them your way, Jess. I can relate. With so many sickies around me right now, I’m willing to try jut about anything to stay healthy. Maybe I will hang some garlic around my neck. The smell should keep those sick people away from me.

        Wait, hubs can’t smell anything right now. Dang!

  10. The Crud has crossed the Atlantic I’m afraid.

  11. It seems wrong to be laughing while reading about your illness. Get healthy!

    1. It’s ok. You’re laughing WITH me, right?

  12. Yep, I must have the crud! I have been in the same clothes (pajamas) for three days without showering. I don’t think I have the energy to stand in the shower long enough to get clean anyway. I don’t know when I’ve felt this bad. Thanks for letting me know what I had. I knew it probably wasn’t the flu because I’m not running a fever. Can the flu possibly feel worse than this??? I’m just counting the hours until I can take another dose of Severe Cold and Flu medicine.

    1. Oh i know! The pills last like 3 hours tops and I’m just watching the clock tick til I can take more meds!

  13. Good heavens, you have my sympathy! But at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor. (If that day ever came, I’d be truly, horribly, awfully worried about you.) Still, take good care of yourself and whatever you do, don’t sneeze on us. 😉

    1. I’d worry more about my cough. It’s epic. I’m expecting the Discovery Channel any day now to knock on my door for an exclusive biopic.

  14. OMG, I have never in my life laughed so hard about something like the flu. All I can say is the mucus is working for you because you’re certainly not brain-dead, that’s for darn sure. Or else you wrote this in a rare moment of clarity after you just blew your brains out. I’m surprised you have any Kleenex left! Good grief, you sound absolutely miserable girl. And you came by to see me? Bless your heart! I don’t know what to say except, keep texting your mother! Take care sweetie and I hope you’re well soon! 🙂

    1. You know I called my mom today, and she did not return my message. Maybe i should tweet #TellMyBloggersILoveThem.

  15. Ugh, I’m so on the way to having the crud.

    1. Oh no! Get a good chest decongestent! And drink LOTS of fluids!

  16. […] Does This Mucus Make Me Look Fat? 10 Signs You’ve Caught “The Crud” […]

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