Getting to Know Your Spouse’s Alter Ego, or Adventures of the Grumpy Pumpkin

A guy I met once on a wine tour/bus trip shared this fact about marriage with me:

Marriage. It’s not all pixie sticks and butterflies. ~ Mitch

I thought that was rather prolific and true. Sure it came from one newlywed to another, so neither of us really had that much experience in this whole married life thing, but I agreed with him.

Not more than one hour later, Mitch also asked about my husband’s and my plans for having children, a natural step after marriage, but I felt it was a little soon to be discussing plans for my uterus given we’d: 1) just met, 2) had been drinking copious amounts of wine, and 3) it’s my uterus and none of his business. Thank you very much. (My mama raised me with manners.)

Still, this Mitch guy had a point. Marriage is not all pixie sticks and butterflies. Sometimes the person we love, the very individual we picked out of all other individuals – like ones who know how to clean up their beard hair trimmings or put the toilet seat down *swoon*– sometimes they morph into something else. Their alter ego.

Getting to Know You

Getting to Know Your Spouse’s Alter Ego

My husband has an alter ego. He denies it because I can’t remember the name we gave him, and if I can’t remember his name, then he doesn’t exist. But we wives all know that’s bogus. It’s BOGUS I tell you, Joseph Judgey McBelchins!

My alter ego has long been named. She goes by Grumpy Pumpkin. Which sounds adorable and cute and quirky, but that’s what makes it so annoying. It’s all very Anne-of-Green-Gables-“He-called-me-CARROTS!!”-esque.


Grumpy Pumpkin rears her horned head when:

  • she hasn’t eaten in awhile
  • she’s woken from her beauty sleep because friends of Acoustic Van Man-Coozie are strumming the guitar and bellowing song lyrics at 3 in the morning
  • she asks a question and gets answered by Deadpan McBlank Stare
  • she hasn’t eaten in awhile
  • and/or she doesn’t like what she’s eating

I maintain I am not the only party in my household with an alias. But until He Who Shall Not Be Nicknamed gets an identity, I can’t call him out on it.

This is where you come in.

Help me name my spouse’s alter ego.

Here are some helpful examples of things that lure his bad boy out:

  • Timeliness – my hubby is exceptionally prompt, but I say it’s called an itinerary not the Iditarod
  • Timeliness – the man has scheduled poops – WTF?
  • Cleanliness – supposedly, the house is not clean until I remove my piles of gloves, magazines, car keys, DVDs, postage stamps, notebook paper, AA batteries, my external hard drive, a bag of Dove chocolate, and a pair of earrings from the kitchen table
  • Repeating Himself – I may, or may not, have the worst short term mem- OHMYGOSH! WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL OVER HERE? … You’re reading my blog? … I have a blog?
  • Inconsistent Shaker Skills – At our local wedding ceremony, we performed a musical number in which I desired to play the tambourine and was downgraded to an egg shaker and forced to practice under Nazi-regime (which isn’t an exaggeration because food was withheld from me) because apparently I have “inconsistent shaker skills.”

So, I’ve created a poll with some potential names for my honey’s alter ego.
Vote for your favorite! Or better yet, write in your own!
Does your partner have a cranky alias? Do tell!


16 responses

  1. Hmm…how about The Poopinator?

    Yes, not surprisingly, my husband of 15 years has an alter ego. This mostly comes out if he gets the slightest bit sick, then he’s all “Whiny McBabyMan”

    I have to say your Anne of Green Gables reference made ME swoon! I have probably watched that series about a billion times in my life. It was actually on PBS again last weekend — Happy happy joy joy!!

    1. I LOVE me some Green Gables and reference it as often as possible. That, and Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.

      Ugh what is it with men and sickness? They do turn into Whiny McBabyMan.

  2. You write some of the most entertaining posts! 🙂

    1. Awwww don’t make me go all Bashful McToodlePips over here! I’m blushing.

  3. This was awesome! I can relate to the grumpy feelings when I haven’t eaten, or if I don’t like what I’m eating, I sprout devil horns and fire out of my eyes. 😀

    Love your posts Ms. Witkins!

    1. That’s Joe’s code when Grumpy Pumpkin is close to showing. He’ll say “Your horn is sprouting” or sometimes just “Let’s get you a snack.” 😄

  4. Lately in our house we’ve both been tossing around “Judgey McJudgerson” at each other…. almost 16 years of marriage and we still resort to name-calling. 😉

    1. Are you both youngest children? I totally see it when Joe and I “rough house” as my mother called it.

      1. I’m a middle child and he’s 2 of 2. However, we don’t “rough house”, and he’s not keen on being teased, whereas, I grew up with both. LOL.

    1. Hahaha! I like that one too. He sounds very pompous which has …(chooses words carefully) … a RESEMBLANCE to my adoring husband!

      (Is he behind me right now?)

  5. Love this post, but yes you’d better hide it from him. 😀

    1. Hahaha he texted me “Great blog post.” Good thing he has a sense of humor.

      1. Definitely a good thing! My hubs might not be so understanding. 😉

  6. Ah the food grumpiness! I totally get it. My husband warns me I’m getting “hangry”.

    1. I think hangry is the greatest word invention of the century. It’s a real disease, so check your glucose girl!

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