What if I Turn Into…My Parents?

Are you guilty of making age demands of yourself? You know the ambiguous “Before I turn 30, I will…” kind of to-do list. I am.

Hello, my name is Jess, and I thought I’d be famous before I was 30. I suffer from delusions of grandeur and I’m sorry.

I blame Anne of Green Gables. I daydreamed that I was going to be a visionary of my time, and all anyone knows me for is an ad about baking powder…

You know what I mean.

I made a few too many expectations of myself and where I’d be in life by the time I turned 30. The big 3-0 is just six months away and I’m radically looking at my goals and having to rewrite them. Which is, to say the least, disheartening. But it needed to happen. I know that now.

As I’m reevaluating where I’m going and where I’ve come from, a scary thought crossed my mind. What if I turn into…my parents?


This is them. Note, the matching polos. I REFUSE to wear a polo shirt. Ever. 

I’m serious, you guys. What if I start gifting my friends with bottles of free butt soap instead of actually going shopping for them? (my dad)

What if I start wearing sneakers so white the coast guard asks me to stop interfering with their light house schedule? (my mom and dad)

What if I start writing letters to people and fill them with grammar notes? (like my mom)

What if I start eating one bite of a fun size candy bar and I’m still eating the same candy bar days later? (like my dad)

Where will it end?

I mean none of you are gonna read a blog about arthritis and egg shell infused gardening dirt. Are you? I need to know because it could come to that.

Am I having a quarter-life crisis? This is just a quarter-life crisis, isn’t it?

But what if I’m older than a quarter-life crisis? Is this a pre-mid-life-post-quarter-life crisis? What do I do in case of emergency?

Do I need to get into the basement? Does this require a transistor radio? I know what my mother would do. She’d put pillows in all the windows so when the glass breaks it won’t gouge out my eyes.

At least I’ll have time to edit my to do list.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the basement.
I’ve got one bag of fun size Snickers bars,
so I’m guessing I can survive the next 30 years.

What was your irrational goal before 30?

31 responses

  1. Yes, Jess – I’ll still read your blog! BTW – how’s about that piece about egg shell infused gardening dirt? It is the season, you know… 😄

    1. LOL. Maybe I good get my Pops to guest blog. Hope you don’t mind typos. 😉

  2. Well, there’s one thing you need to know – you will turn into your parents. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but since I’m facing the Big 5-0 this year, I can tell you it happens. First of all, I love your dad’s self-control – a fun-sized Snickers that lasts for days??!! Mine get snorted down in seconds! But I am starting to do things my parents do – straighten the house frantically before people come over (mom) and complain about stupid drivers (dad). I’m not proud of it, but I’m telling you so you know what to expect. 🙂 Actually, it’s not that bad, and your parents look like sweet people, especially with those matching green shirts. But what is butt soap? Do we really want to know?? 😉

    1. I did not inherit his savoring skills. I eat all the things and do it quickly – at least when they’re chocolate. And wrapped in Dove candy wrappers.

      And you want to know what butt soap is? Click the link up there, Deanne! Trust me, it’s worth it!

      1. I just clicked the link – jeez, what a story!! And I thought my parents gave me weird things…;)

        1. Hahahaha. Glad you liked it!

  3. Catherine Johnson | Reply

    Ha,ha! I don’t mean to scare you but I feel like I’m doing a rerun of my parents life. I even look a bit like my mum so I keep dying my hair crazy colors just to be different. Help lol

    1. But… But… My mom’s a redhead!

  4. Cheer up! It’s only a quarter-life crisis if you’re planning on living to 120.

    What? Didn’t work?

    I think many of us share your fear of turning into our parents, regardless of how awesome we think they are.

    1. Well said! They’re awesomely adorkable.

  5. This was hilarious! Especially the part about wearing sneakers so white the Coast Guard complains…

    1. Have you seen my parents’ shoes? They are indeed beacons, Sir.

      1. Oh, I believe it. I’ve seen others wear the shoes…

        1. They’re like a cult!

  6. Ha,ha! Your parents are the CUTEST COUPLE EVER! Very funny post. I’m 51 so I honestly have forgotten what turning 30 was like. I know it had to be better than 40 and 50. 🙂

  7. Laurie Grott | Reply

    Hey. Without those crazy people, I wouldn’t have four funny looking things on my family tree. We got cute birthday cakes, and ate at a fabulous restaurant for free!

    1. Sure, there’s the free cake. That is a plus.

  8. Very Funny! Turning into those two would be a gift.

    1. You say that now! What if you get butt soap for Christmas?

  9. I agree with those who say you will turn into your parents. In some ways. In others, you’ll be your own unique, quirky self. Some examples from my life:

    1. Yes, I will catch myself singing along to the piped-in music at the grocery store while squeezing cantaloupes in the produce section…but it will not be a Rod Stewart song in a Julie Andrews voice.

    2. Yes, I will feel compelled to straighten every crooked picture hanging on walls in every room I enter…but no, I will not reach over and act like art museum curator to the world. (Only sometimes, like doctor’s offices, when they leave me alone, and that diploma is insanely askew. They should thank me.)

    3. Yes, I will tell the same stupid jokes again and again to my kids’ friends…but no, I will not… Oh, actually, forget that one. I’m just like my parents there. I totally crack myself up, and embarrassing my kids is just a bonus!

    I could go on. Love this post, Jess! If you end up as happy as your parents look in that picture, you’ll be in pretty good shape. 😉

    1. But none of your traits involve white sneakers! … Ok, maybe I’m overreacting.

  10. karenmcfarland | Reply

    I am having a post-mid-life-pre-three-quarter-life crisis! So don’t whine to me sister! I’ll take your pre-mid-life-post-quarter-life crisis any day! lol! And you betcha we become like our parents. It’s one of the creepiest things that ever happens in your life. I don’t know how it happens. It just does. I think you need an exorcist in order to get rid of it. So I’ve heard anyway. But I wish you the best either way. So eat up that candy in the basement and don’t worry. I’ll make sure to step on your white shoes! 🙂

    1. I’m sorry you’re dealing with stresses too Karen. You can join me in the basement, I’ve got plenty of Candy bars.

      It is creepy isn’t it? I’m already adding water to the ketchup bottles when they get low. *shakes head in shame*

      1. karenmcfarland | Reply

        Oh my goodness Jess, I totally forgot about adding water to the ketchup bottle. Lol! Yes, my parents used to do that too. Something about a depression? I can believe it because just thinking about watered down ketchup makes me depressed. I am happy to join you in the basement. Pass the candy, please!

        1. You want a Snickers or Milky Way? 😉

  11. We all turn into our parents, usually our mothers. I’ll never forget the first time I was conscious of uttering a Mom-ism. I whipped around like lightning, sure she must have been standing right behind me – that couldn’t have come out of MY mouth!

    1. Yah, my brother already called me on a few things – one of them being an affinity toward good poop stories. Thanks Dad, keepin’ me classy!

  12. Your parents are adorable! And I see your smile comes from your Mom.

    Putting pillows in the basement windows? Now that’s just practical and smart!

    I’m 30 in one year. It’s already beginning.

    1. I’ll send you some pillows for your 30th. 😉

  13. […] Just roll with it, ok guys? I’m trying to be well-rounded and well-mannered. Some of us just have to work harder than others. […]

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