“There’s a hole in my pants,” I realized, about 20 minutes before I was going to speak to a group of twentysome middle school students.
“There’s a goddamn HOLE! In my pants.”
Naturally, I did the only thing I could do at that point.
I texted a friend ala Margaret Cho-style, as in “YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I JUST DID!”
Let me backup.
I am transitioning to a new role in my job. I’m leaving my basement-located office work for the wide, open world of sex education where you get to say things like “Have you seen my uterus?” and that’s not considered a personal question. Also, the air smells like puberty about 80% of the time.
My colleagues and I are now learning the material for the multiple talks our clinic provides, and we were each given a focus talk to prioritize.
Guess who got STDs??!!
I mean I PRESENT on sexually transmitted diseases.
Anyway, I arrived at the middle school, checked in at the office and since I was there early, excused myself to use the restroom before heading to class.
It was there, in the bathroom, when I noticed I COULD SEE THE FLOOR THROUGH MY PANTS!
I was wearing a brand new pair of dress pants I’d purchased the week before and not worn yet. The seam below the zipper had unraveled and created a diamond shaped hole, through which the orange tile floor was all too crisp and clear.
Only I didn’t say fudge.
Like anyone in a serious situation, I immediately took inventory of anything I could possibly use to fix this major wardrobe malfunction.
Hand soap. Paper towel.
“This bathroom is useless to me! I have nothing!”
I debated my options. My limited options.
“That’s it,” I thought. Only thing I could do was teach the class. I was going to have to make the best of the situation.
I had worn a top that was a little longer that day, and had a tank top beneath it.
I stretched and pulled and yanked that tank top as low as I could get it to go.
Then I walked in front of that class like…
And for the duration of the 40 minute class, I kept my legs well crossed and stood in the shadiest corner of the classroom I could find while still being able to point to the front screen as needed.
When it was over and I packed up, I got in the car like…
Soooo, how was YOUR week?