Romantic getaway for two? Comes complete with outdoor jacuzzi.

If you and your significant other are looking for a romantic getaway, may I ask, have you considered the swamp?  Located in sunny New Orleans, LA, the swamp offers a plethora of sunshine, local wildlife and plants, and all the seclusion two lovebirds could ask for!

Quite possibly my favorite thing I did all vacation, was going on a swamp tour.  Our guide, Captain Allan, said he’s in the process of making this place a honeymoon suite.  And seeing as he was born and raised in the bayou, been married five times, and has 11 alligators growing up in his house (does he keep them in the bathtub?), I’d say he knows a thing or two about love…and swamps.

The bayou wasn’t half bad in my opinion.  When our bus dropped us off at the boat launch site, there were already alligators chilling in the water.  How do you like that, Clay Morgan?

Home Sweet Home

As I said, Captain Allan was raised on the bayou.  He was cared for by his grandparents and learned the ways of the swamp from them.  His skills as a captain are primarily self taught and he’s been doing this for years.

This resulted in...

Captain Allan is a jokester.  He liked to feed the alligators marshmallows.  Why marshmallows you may ask?  Because, they’re marsh animals!

No kidding though, he really buys out shelves of marshmallows to feed them.  The color is what attracts them.  So when you plan your swamp getaway, don’t pack a lot of light colors unless you plan on alligator for dinner.

Consequently, one of my travel companions from the bus, a hysterical woman from Chicago, IL, wasn’t as excited about the bayou as I was.  Halfway through the tour, her dialogue sounded like this:

“Lord, take me back to the bus!  It’s hot!  If I see another alligator, I’m gonna…  I’m gonna eat me some alligator tonight just to get back at this tour!  You know what I’m sayin’?  I mean I’m gonna buy an alligator purse.  Lord, that man throw another damn marshmallow…  It’s a raccoon people, quit snappin’ pictures!  Actin’ like this is the greatest damn thing…  Send me another boat!  We’re gonna get stuck and die out here in the damn swamp!”

This!!!

If we’re being honest, Captain Allan was probably, at least a little bit, clinically insane.  Anyone who feeds chicken necks to alligators by hand must be crazy.  But I have to admit, he got me really excited when I was allowed to do this:

Honey, look what Captain Allan gave me! You said we couldn't get a dog, you never said anything about alligators!

Another fantastic quote of the trip from my Chicago friend occurred as we passed the baby alligator around.  She kept turning him and moving him to be at different angles, then she finally turned towards the camera and said:

“Strike a pose!”

I very nearly died of laughter.  But maybe you had to be there.

In your face, Clay! Oh ok, so this one wasn't real. Made you freak out just a little bit, right?

So what do you think?  Next anniversary you want to go the swamp?  Give me a quick tally of who’s interested cause, I mean if this thing takes off, I’m probably gonna contact Captain Allan and start marketing the t-shirts.  I hope he makes me partner.  I’m thinking of expanding the business and advertising the cabin as a writing resort for authors too.  Open space, no one around for miles…

Literally. The only people out here are dead.

Swamps are for Lovers.  To book your reservation in advance contact:  Jess Witkins, 2020 Happiness Project Lane, Wisconsin.