Why I’ll Never Be a Teen Model
I am not a photogenic person. I never have been. I simply don’t have one of those faces that effortlessly looks amazing all the time.
I have one of those faces that requires work. It is great for making really awkward faces. I have a big nose, that scrunches up when I show any kind of emotion, and I have gigantic teeth. No, literally my teeth are so big, I’ve had NINE removed, and I still have a full set of teeth.
You may be thinking, “That’s…a fun fact. Thanks for sharing?”
You’re welcome.
Those selfies you see on my instagram account probably required like 20 or more shots. My photo collections from trips I take or events I’m involved in are all staged. You will not find candids, because when people try to take candids of me, they look like this…
That is a real, undoctored photo my husband took of me while storytelling.
And I was telling a funny story! Why do I look so…so…annoyed?
Have you ever watched America’s Next Top Model, that show hosted by Tyra Banks? She’s always telling the girls to smile with their eyes, she calls it SMIZE. Well, if the photos from above are any indication, the only contest I’m going to win is for the smier – I can sneer with my eyes, you guys. Or maybe it’s smudge? Cause I’m judging you with my eyes. All I know is, look at that epic scowl, folks?
Master-level-ninja-force-facial-attitude.
And that’s why I’ll never be a teen model.
Also I’m pretty sure there’s an age clause in the contract that requires the model to in fact, BE a teenager. But I haven’t looked into it, who knows?
How do you feel about photos of yourself?
Do you know how to smize or better yet, smier?
I Really Do Hate Kayaking! Five Truths and a Lie Answers Revealed
Hey Lads and Lassies,
Thanks all for playing along with last week’s post Five Truths and a Lie. All of you made admirable guesses and many of you left your own five truths and a lie for me to guess, which was super fun. Thanks!
As promised, the answers are revealed this week and I decided to do so via vlog. Enjoy my muppet voice!
You’re welcome.
Still wanna play along? Leave five truths and a lie in the comments and I will try to guess which is the lie.
Or write your own blog post! Link back here so I can see it.
Happy week everyone!
Top Five Things I’ve Learned About Married Life
Break out the champagne and candles! We’ve been married for one year!
I know it’s hard to fathom. Two youngest children forced to play nice together. Most odds would have us laying tape lines around the house, each sticking to our respective sides. Or at the very least, using a conch shell to determine whose turn it is to talk.
“Sucks to your assmar!”
But we’ve managed to co-habitate with relatively little violence and debauchery.
(In case you’re wondering, the violence is from our new set of kitchen knives. Every time Joe uses them, he manages to cut himself. Either those knives are sharper than a Lady Bic throwaway razor or Joe has the skin of a flower petal.)
In contemplating our one year anniversary, it occurred to me there were many learning lessons along the way.
Top Five Things I’ve Learned About Married Life
1. Simply Being a Wife Does Not Make You More Domestic
I admire those women who are able to keep perfect households where everything matches and dinner is on the table at 6. When we first got married, we needed to buy a couch. One year later, we still need to buy a couch. And Joe does all the cooking. I am, however, an exceptional take out orderer.
2. Being a Wife Does Not Make You More Medically Intelligent
You know how some women just know all these natural, home remedies for how to fix everything? They can cure fevers and soothe upset stomachs with nothing but a nail file and a half a lemon. (I don’t know if that’s what they actually use, I told you I’m not one of them!) My husband once suffered a sneezing fit, and I treated it like the hiccups.
“Hold still, and I’ll come out and SCARE you!”
3. Some Decor Ideas Do Not Find Compromise
You know that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Bruno Kirby and Carrie Fisher are arguing over whether or not a wagonwheel coffee table goes in the living room or not. Well, I’m Carrie Fisher in that scenario, and it doesn’t.
4. All Those Times You Blamed Your Roommate, It Was in Fact Your Spouse
If you and your spouse ever shared living quarters with a roommate, you may have bonded over a mutual frustration with said roommate’s bad habits. Now that said roommate is gone, you may have discovered your spouse has extremely similar bad habits as your roommate once did. What are the odds?
5. Date Night is Still a Thing
You may think by “putting a ring on it,” you’re work is over. The reverse is true. Married life requires more creativity, more compassion, and more commitment. And this is where I publicly thank Joe for creating the #Appetour date night – wherein we hop from stop to stop in town and enjoy a drink and/or appetizer, maybe some live music, and then head to the next place.
Side note* If your spouse leaves you to play on stage, they pay for the next round. It’s not technically in our vows, but now I’ve got witnesses.
So thank you, Joe, for that last date night. It was most enjoyable.
*****
What are some lessons about love you’ve learned, whether married or not?
Do you think we’ve earned our paper anniversary?
Maybe I’ll print this post out and put it in an envelope for Joe. ❤
And, you can relive the magic from Our Big Fat Secret Greek Wedding.
Or hear us sing “Home” from our stateside ceremony below. Enjoy!
Zen and the Art of Teeth Whitening
Drooling onto my keyboard is not what I had in mind when the dentist gave me the teeth whitening trays to take home. Oh well.
Have you been to a dentist lately? I recently went after a two year hiatus. I was positive I had a cavity because there’s a dark spot on one of my back molars. Turns out, my tooth is just dirty! That sure made me feel better. Almost as good as that time my chiropractor told me I am deformed or when the ER doctor laughed at my face injury.
I was in the market for a new dentist, since I hadn’t gone in forever and my insurance had changed. I settled on a business that I heard about through the radio. They advertised free teeth whitening for life for all new clients. Sounded like a good deal to me.
My how dentist offices have changed. I remember when you had to come prepared, teeth brushed and flossed before your appointment, no food or drink. I walked into this office and they offered me coffee and free wi-fi. Um, I’m good for now, but can I come back tomorrow just to write in your lobby?
Their bathroom was full of not only toothpaste and toothbrushes, but hair products and lotion too.
When the dental hygienist came to get me, she gave me a tour of the whole agency. I saw all the offices and the cleaning centers and the “sterilization station.” And then I was asked to stand underneath a contraption for X-rays that I fully believe was a spaceship.
The hygienist asked me to step forward and underneath a large gray and yellow space shuttle. I had to bite down onto a marker while three prongs lowered over my head and clamped down. Then a side panel started whirring around my skull really fast.
“Will I be flying somewhere?” I asked.
“Oh no,” she laughed. “But I can see why you would think so.”
You and I both know that thing was a spaceship, and I was probed, G-dammit.
When we got to the room where she would clean my teeth she handed me a “spa card.” That’s actually what they called it. I had the option to watch a TV in the ceiling, use headphones for music, and request a blanket and neck pillow!
Tell me again that I WON’T be needing my passport for this.
Both the hygienist and the doctor let me check out my X-rays, which was both fascinating and disturbing. I have a newfound respect for my sinus cavities now that I’ve seen them on a computer screen. And I could see her marking off teeth that I no longer had on a separate chart. I don’t have any wisdom teeth and several others have “gone to pasture” as well. I think she was a little freaked when I told her I’d had a total of nine teeth pulled.
“That’s a lot,” she said.
“Well, you know what they say, big teeth, big talkers. Had to get some pulled to get a word in edge-wise.” I joked. “It’s a family thing, really, we all have giant teeth and not enough space for them. I’m grateful. The tooth fairy was my main source of income for years!”
I’m lucky I had a hygienist with a sense of humor.
Anyway, I came out of my appointment with a good report card. I wanted to get my picture taken and put up on the “No Cavity Wall,” but there seemed to be an issue about my age. That’s fine. I’ll bring my own crown and a selfie stick next time. #GrillOnFleek
Since my mouth probing went well, I qualified for their teeth whitening package and went home with 5 kits. I’m willing to believe there’s a learning curve with these things. I’d give myself a 7 out of 10 for technique, and an 8.5 for style. I inserted the upper and lower plastic trays filled with the whitening strips and made the smooching face I was told to make in order to adhere them to my teeth. I was not anticipating the frothiness and goo-factor of the strips and now regret trying to type this as drool falls on my keyboard. But it’s ok, I too have a “sterilization station” in my house.
Been to the dentist lately? What was your trip like?
Five Truths and a Lie
This is Mandi.
Thanks to the sweetest mother-daughter blogger duo, InionNMathair, I’ve been introduced to some awesome new bloggers via their post, The Sisterwives. One of these amazing women is Mandi of the fabulously named blog – Cellulite Looks Better Tan.
I’ll have to take your word on that, Mandi!
*stretches toes into ray of sunlight* Sizzle *withdraws immediately*
For now, this redhead is still sun-combustible. And my cellulite looks like a marshmallow.
Then again, Mandi prides herself on being a good liar. Perhaps this is true about sun-baked cellulite. I can’t be sure.
What I am sure of is that Mandi is a really funny gal. And she just shared five truths and a lie in her blog post, True Story…, for readers to figure out which thing on her list is the lie. Interested yet? You should be. After all she includes tuna, stitches, and dead people! What more could you want?!
Inspired to play along, I’m sharing five truths and a lie for all of YOU to guess which one is the lie about me.
Have at it!
1. I once won a year’s worth of chicken wings.
2. My first boyfriend collected horse figurines.
3. I quit smoking by drinking tea.
4. My parents’ backyard once kept 7 toilets, 1 urinal, a washing machine, a keyboard, and a caution – slow down – crosswalk person inside it.
5. I love to cartwheel.
6. I whistle by breathing in instead of out.
So, whatd’ya think?
Which one is the lie?
Jess Witkins' Happiness Project 