Tag Archives: Bicentennial Trail

Left For Dead in Hixon…Again

It happened again.

Joe and I went hiking in Hixon Forest and barely made it out ALIVE!

Hixon Disaster

See that? That’s the end of me crab walking down an 80° incline.

*****

Later That Day…

Jessica J. Witkins, 27, and Joseph L. Gantzer (31) were discovered dead off the trails in Hixon Forest. Their bodies had been half masticated by rabid deer. The corpses were identified from a shredded Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack known to belong to Gantzer. Witkins, though allergic to the sun, suffered no marks and looked gorgeous, even without make-up on. Her grace and beauty is a loss to us all.

The couple leaves behind an imaginary dog named Ron Burgundy, some unfinished laundry, and one slice of pizza in the fridge.

Services will be held on the lookout point at the top of Bicentennial Trail for anyone who can make it there without a compass.

*****

Ok, that’s not what happened!

But we TOTALLY got lost and had to scale the side of a bluff with loose soil for, like, EVER! And that was after walking through a teeny tiny “trail” uphill where the bugs surrounded me, and a snake slithered away, and there was long grass, and VELOCIRAPTORS!!!

Ok, I lied again, it wasn’t long grass, it was prairie grass.

Hixon Forest is described by the Myrick Hixon EcoPark as:

an 800-acre nature preserve within the city limits of La Crosse with more than 13 miles of hiking and ski trails that meander through diverse habitats, including forests, prairies, and blufflands. Connecting trails through the 1100-acre Mississippi River Marsh add more wildlife viewing possibilities. The trail system allows hikers to travel from the Mississippi River to the top of the bluffs without ever crossing a city street.

Translation:

Hixon Forest is big. So big in fact, that if you are lost, no shred of society will find you, but rattlesnakes will! Good luck, hikers!

I’ve taken it upon myself to draw out our hiking journey. Please see the map below.

hixonmap

See where the skull and crossbones are? Funny thing that… There was a trail. A very clear, wide trail. It wasn’t on the map, but it was a big trail. We decided to take it. But that wide trail became an itty bitty trail, and one that started scratching up my legs and looking like we were going to just dirt surf our way down the bluff.

I was NOT ok with this.

For the record, I didn’t pick this trail! This time it wasn’t my faulty directions that got us there. Therefore, I’d like to have my 1% voting rights back.

The last time Joe and I got lost in Hixon, it was my fault. He took away 1% voting rights leaving me with 49%, and him at 51%. I’d like that percent back now.

You decide!

*****

An outside party wishes me to note that they “had a blast. The adventure was great!” Said other party shall remain nameless.

Oops. How did that get there?

Hixon Forest View

That was my weekend! How was yours? Do any hiking I should know about?

Love and Rattlesnakes,

Jess

Miss the first time we got lost in Hixon? Read all about it!

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