It happened again.
Joe and I went hiking in Hixon Forest and barely made it out ALIVE!
See that? That’s the end of me crab walking down an 80° incline.
Later That Day…
Jessica J. Witkins, 27, and Joseph L. Gantzer (31) were discovered dead off the trails in Hixon Forest. Their bodies had been half masticated by rabid deer. The corpses were identified from a shredded Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack known to belong to Gantzer. Witkins, though allergic to the sun, suffered no marks and looked gorgeous, even without make-up on. Her grace and beauty is a loss to us all.
The couple leaves behind an imaginary dog named Ron Burgundy, some unfinished laundry, and one slice of pizza in the fridge.
Services will be held on the lookout point at the top of Bicentennial Trail for anyone who can make it there without a compass.
Ok, that’s not what happened!
But we TOTALLY got lost and had to scale the side of a bluff with loose soil for, like, EVER! And that was after walking through a teeny tiny “trail” uphill where the bugs surrounded me, and a snake slithered away, and there was long grass, and VELOCIRAPTORS!!!
Ok, I lied again, it wasn’t long grass, it was prairie grass.
Hixon Forest is described by the Myrick Hixon EcoPark as:
an 800-acre nature preserve within the city limits of La Crosse with more than 13 miles of hiking and ski trails that meander through diverse habitats, including forests, prairies, and blufflands. Connecting trails through the 1100-acre Mississippi River Marsh add more wildlife viewing possibilities. The trail system allows hikers to travel from the Mississippi River to the top of the bluffs without ever crossing a city street.
Hixon Forest is big. So big in fact, that if you are lost, no shred of society will find you, but rattlesnakes will! Good luck, hikers!
I’ve taken it upon myself to draw out our hiking journey. Please see the map below.
See where the skull and crossbones are? Funny thing that… There was a trail. A very clear, wide trail. It wasn’t on the map, but it was a big trail. We decided to take it. But that wide trail became an itty bitty trail, and one that started scratching up my legs and looking like we were going to just dirt surf our way down the bluff.
I was NOT ok with this.
For the record, I didn’t pick this trail! This time it wasn’t my faulty directions that got us there. Therefore, I’d like to have my 1% voting rights back.
The last time Joe and I got lost in Hixon, it was my fault. He took away 1% voting rights leaving me with 49%, and him at 51%. I’d like that percent back now.
An outside party wishes me to note that they “had a blast. The adventure was great!” Said other party shall remain nameless.
Oops. How did that get there?
That was my weekend! How was yours? Do any hiking I should know about?
Love and Rattlesnakes,
Miss the first time we got lost in Hixon? Read all about it!
In honor of this month’s Redhots Review, which will take place next Friday, where Marcia Richards and I give you the whole truth and nothing but the truth on the film Hope Springs, I’m talking couples today! Hope Springs is the film about a married couple who’ve lost their passion for another, and take an extensive couples therapy getaway to bring it back.
So what cinematic couples leave you at the end of the film knowing “they’re going to make it”? Ladies and Gents, I give you:
My Top 5 Cinematic Couples
1. Harry Burns and Sally Albright
Men and women can’t be friends. Or so Harry thinks when he carpools to New York with Sally after their college graduation. But Harry and Sally end up becoming friends, and then become something more, and then all hell breaks loose, and then they work it! I think Sally will always have Harry to kiss her on New Year’s in this relationship.
2. Loretta Castorini and Ronny Cammareri
There’s something to be said for the storyline of this movie. First off, I unabashedly love Cher! I love her music, I love her brazenness, and if you’re not following her full of typos and confusing tweets, you’re missing out on lots of fun! @Cher But back to Moonstruck. The story is Loretta is engaged to Johnny Cammareri, but Johnny always has an excuse for why they should postpone their wedding. Part of the reason is that Johnny hasn’t spoken to his brother, Ronny, for some years. So Loretta, a stubborn Italian woman, takes it upon herself to mend their relationship. I love this film, because when it comes right down to it, Loretta shows courage to make the right choice even when it’s difficult. And because it’s Cher!
3. Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe
If Anne and Gilbert can’t make it work, no one can! Fortunately, these two are one of the most stubborn and exceptional couples that started as friends that I can think of! Overcoming obstacles like broken blackboard slates, sunken dories, runaway cows, public poetry recitals, and even scarlet fever, this couple is built to last. And even Hugh Jackman knows it!
Totally Swoon Worthy YouTube Video:
4. Vinny Gambini and Mona Lisa Vito
Imagine you’re in Alabama. You’re loud-mouth lawyer fiance drags you from New York to defend his cousin who’s on trial for murder and you’re stuck in a motel by a train track and there’s mud pits everywhere. See, now that’s true love!
5. Nickie Ferrante and Terry McKay
Both of them with other people. One cruise ship. One destiny. A splendid affair and plans to meet again in 6 months. But when tragedy befalls one of them, will the other’s pride forgive so they can mend their hearts? I admit it, this is the first movie that ever made me cry.
What cinematic couples would you bet had lasting relationships? Who do you secretly wished lasted forever, but aren’t quite sure? My back and forth pick was Johnny Castle and Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman in Dirty Dancing. Did they stay together? I just don’t know!