If you ever find yourself in a room full of misfits that includes five burly men, one toddler, and one sappy dog, then here’s how I suggest you throw down a Superbowl party.
Step one: Sleep until noon. Stay in your pajamas until 2 in the afternoon. Cheetos for breakfast is perfectly acceptable when it’s game day and your team is in the Superbowl!
Step two: Mix the broccoli with the craisins, cheese and sunflowers. Mix up dressing, toss. Add the onion dip and soup to the potatos. Bake at 350° until golden brown and bubbly. Prepare taco salad. Sprinkle with lettuce and tomato.
Step three: Invite significant other’s father to party. He will bring all the meat. What’s that deliciousness you smell? BBQ cocktail wienies, herb chicken, roast beef, brats, raspberry chipotle pork loin. (We didn’t even make all this, it was just unloaded straight from the grocery by his dad!) Chop veggies, dump in bowl, chips too!
Step four: The decor. Again, significant other’s dad proves handy. Have him stick the Packer flag he brings in your yard, so glorious while it’s a-waving in single digit temperatures. Place only in yard for 2 days maximum. You don’t want the neighbors to assume you’re one of those people. Next thing you know it’ll be wooden geese and flamingos with spinny wings! Egad!
Step four and a half: Remember you’re with burly men. Quickly cut out a skimpily dressed model and tape onto bathroom mirror. Give her a conversation bubble that says something like “Remember to wash your hands, I don’t want to shake your dick. Thank you!” Don’t worry, the toddler can’t read yet, and this is an effective way of ensuring there aren’t “penis prints” on all your furniture; I’m very OCD about this.
Step five: The seating. Now that the food is ready, let’s take a look at our cheering corner! To the far left sits one of my roommates who lives in the attached efficiency. He might start falling asleep halfway through the game, but don’t fear, he’s brought along his three year old toddler daughter who thinks it’s immensely funny to scream “Daddy!” in a high pitched soprano and bust into giggles. Note* Enforce the rule of “If you touch it, you must eat it” early on when children who pick their nose are present.
Next to him sits a friend who you, as host, must designate the human garbage can because someone has to finish this food. Here’s what I recommend: Early on in the game instill a rule that if he doesn’t have a full plate in his hands during game play at all times, the Packers will suffer in their scoring. Allow for 10 minutes of resting time, then politely say things like “There’s chicken still warm on the stove,” “There’s cheese and grapes on the table in front of you,” “If you don’t eat at least five more cocktail wienies, I’m cutting you off from the beer.”
Moving between couch, wooden chair, and one of those floor chairs with no arms that gamers use is my roommate. He has done his duty and gorged himself into an antisocial being who has to leave, lay down, cheer from afar, then return to play games with the toddler that only involve him sitting down and not having to bend any which way. Ah, the perfect guest.
On the other couch sit the final three guests. Your significant other, you, and significant other’s father. The dog that looks like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh lays in front of the TV and periodically gives the toddler a nice facial bath after she repeatedly blows in his face.
Step six: This is where it starts getting painful. Everyone is very full. Blankets are distributed for those who want to be warm and comatose. An egg shaker and a maraca must be given to the toddler cause we won’t let her play the organ just now. The dog will have exceeded his maximum treat capacity. Significant other’s dad has moved to laying on the floor below the TV and is threatening to take his Packer t-shirt off and sport the Steelers shirt he is wearing beneath it! Sacrilege!!!
Step seven: If there’s still taco dip left, as host, you must finish it. You’ve doled out all the witty remarks you can think of to force it on your other guests, but hey it’s tasty, and you’ve got a little room left. If you sit with the whole tray on your lap and the bowl of tortilla chips next to you, I think you can finish it. Don’t worry, everyone is too enthralled in the game to notice your thighs curdling before your very eyes!
Step eight: Celebrate glorious win by using all your energy to stand up and high five the other guests. Immediately sit back down. That was work.
Step nine: Begin the tedious job of after party pan scraping and the guest paraphenalia pack up.
Step ten: Put on some green pajamas pants, baby, you just won SUPERBOWL!
Writers beware. If you’re going to start changing your diet to see how it impacts your life, don’t begin that process the weekend of your niece’s 2nd birthday.
The Weekend Begins
I was supposed to start out early on my three hour drive home, but instead, I slept in, and was lured to stay when my boyfriend offered to cook breakfast. Inventory: egg and cheese sandwhich on toast, hashbrowns, milk, and blueberry flavored coffee. Ok, pack up the car in -11 degree temperature, clear snow off of windshield, check. I was doing really well so far. I only stopped once on the drive to use the restroom, and I wasn’t planning to buy a thing. But the lonely man behind the counter stared me down in his bowling shirt and disheveled facial hair. Inventory: gatorade and cheez its – -damn! Saturday night I successfully finished writing a 10 stanza long rhyming birthday poem of all things Sonja to be read for her party.
The Party Day
The family oohed and aahed before we began to eat. Inventory: Brown sugar french toast, apple cinnamon squash, eggs, bacon, cheesy potatoes, mixed fruit, and broccoli and cauliflower salad. Oh, Lord, so many tasties! I made sure to take extra broccoli, and ok, I also took extra potatoes, but I wasn’t planning to write directly afterwards. I was planning to watch my two year old niece unwrap presents in a quick half hour and then cheer on the Packers during the game. Oh the game!!! Inventory: tortilla chips with chili cheese dip and black bean and corn salsa. No judgement, I needed to replenish myself, the Packers needed all of our cheering help, and salsa as you know helps the vocal chords immensely. On a side note, since some of you have gotten to hear about my father, I’ll have you know he did a rather spastic touchdown victory dance that was something of a combination between churning butter and the hokey pokey.
Upon returning home to my parents’ we skipped dinner altogether as we were so stuffed. But after watching a movie, the urge to nibble striked once more. I opened the fridge. Oh glorious dips! My mother had stocked up at the grocery store and we had french onion, dill, and taco dip sitting in the fridge. NO! I will behave at least once today. I grabbed a bag of carrots. I ate about 15. And then I ate about 30 chips with taco dip. At least they went down together. Have you heard that Mitch Hedburg joke? He talks about eating a carrot and a chip, and the carrot says, “It’s ok, he’s with me.”
I will do better tomorrow. Did someone just say pizza???