So, Hope Springs…where to start?  With Meryl Streep trying to sensually massage Tommy Lee Jones’ very wrinkled body?  Nope, nope – too early for that imagery!  Meryl gettin’ down with her bad self?  Eating a banana while reading Sex Tips for a Straight Woman from a Gay Man?

Wait, wait, why are you running away?!  I’m not done with my review!

Ok, I fully admit it was my idea to review Hope Springs for the Redhots.  Had I known what I was getting myself into, I would have let well enough alone!  I swear!  There are things people my age aren’t supposed to know!  Things we shouldn’t know!  Because if we knew them, we might never have sex again, never get married, never have children, and then mosquitos would take over the planet!

I thought it would be a light hearted film about love.  The preview made it so inviting!

The first mistake I made was taking my best friend, Cat, with me to see the movie.  Cat recently got married this past August.  She’s still in honeymoon bliss.  Wanting to spend more time with her husband…probably cleaning the house…I assume.  I’m not married, I’m not sure what those people do.

What I hope they don’t do, is turn into Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones in the film Hope Springs!  Ack, people!  I have to develop a new rating system just to efficiently describe this marriage movie monstrosity!  We’ll be dissecting the film under the following categories:

• Hope Floats, But Your Sex Don’t Spring
• The Ick Factor
• All I Truly Love are the Costumes
• Was There A Happy Ending, I’m Still in Shock from the Close up of Tommy Lee’s Lips?

Ok, to get started, Hope Floats, But Your Sex Don’t Spring!  

The premise for this movie is a couple that goes to intensive counseling after 30+ years of marriage has turned them into roommates rather than life partners.  Sleeping in separate beds, Kay and Arnold (Streep and Jones), have lost their lust, I mean love, for one another.

What follows is an all too real picture of what could be the future.  Hope Springs had the potential to cover any number of marital concerns and obstacles, but at its heart, it focuses on sex.  Meaning Kay and Arnold aren’t having any.

Further discussion of their lack of sex, in fact any physical contact in some time, leads me to:

The Ick Factor

I know this film is probably giving hope to couples all over that it’s not too late to spice up their sex lives, and I’m all for it, I really, truly am!  But I just don’t want to see it!

Number one on the Ick Factor list is Tommy Lee Jones’ lips, or lack thereof!  His face wrinkles just sort of melt into where his teeth are.

Then there’s the awkward touching.  Picture Meryl Streep’s hands pat pat patting Tommy Lee’s upper thighs, then staring at his aroused face.  *kech*   I just threw up a little.

You don’t want to know what “went down” in the movie theater, but I actually felt pity for Kay after watching that scene!

And this was all made the more awkward because Cat would not stop snickering very audibly next to me in a theater full of older couples and us.

(image courtesy Mrs. Inman – Popping In and Out, Creative Commons)

All I Truly Love Are the Costumes

The saving grace of this film was the realistic costuming they gave the characters.  Kay works at Coldwater Creek, and she is definitely in floral blouses and matching sets throughout the film.  And I liked the subtle detail of having her wear the same necklace, different ways, while she was traveling.

Was There a Happy Ending, I’m Still in Shock from the Close up of Tommy Lee’s Lips?

I don’t think I’m being a terrible spoiler when I tell you that Kay and Arnold get their groove back.  Even though I was happy for them, it was, and remains to be, hard to shake the frightening images I was forced to face.

I mean, frozen in my theater chair, so disturbed I couldn’t look away AND I forgot to drink any of the wine I snuck in with my purse!  That’s fer realz, y’all!

Final Recommendation:

My newly married friend best summed up the movie as we washed our hands (because we couldn’t put soap in our eyes), that it might be a movie to watch periodically throughout one’s marriage.  To use it as a spectrum gage of “are we this couple and if so what the f*ck are we going to do about it?”

In the meantime, if you’re in a happily committed relationship, might I suggest the newest season of Dexter for date night?

*****

Don’t take my word for it!  Check out Marcia’s opinion on what it’s really like to be married!  Hope her hubby has better lips than Tommy Lee!