Tag Archives: Oops Baby

Is That Weird? – Shit I Did as a Kid

Image-1I know I look innocent. But underneath the red hair and camera-ready smile lurks the mind of a madwoman.

Do you ever think back to all the weird stuff you did as a kid and go, “How did my parents NOT sell me to the gypsies?”

I grew up watching Heidi, so that was a viable threat in my house. And believe me, my siblings sure tried!

I was a weird kid. I mean the complete opposite of the well-rounded, well-mannered adult you find here at the Happiness Project.

*crickets*

Just roll with it, ok guys? I’m trying to be well-rounded and well-mannered. Some of us just have to work harder than others.

Anyway, I was a weird kid. And for your amusement, I’ve compiled a list of examples. Feel free to chime in with a “I’ve done that too!” or “That’s the work of a completely sane person!” while reading.

Shit I Did as a Kid

1) One time I was mad at my mom for something I can’t remember so I stabbed a big hole in the dining room tablecloth with a letter opener. 

This took me months of tooth fairy money to pay back. Can you imagine praying your teeth would fall out just so you could get debt free with your ma?

2) I really liked to cut the hair off my Barbie dolls, but I knew my mom would yell at me if she saw, so I hid the hair in her JC Penney’s catalog. 

Ok, first, that was a stupid hiding place because she read that thing cover to cover. And second, hindsight is 20/20. Yes, I think opening up a shopping magazine only to have a bunch of hair fall in your lap is creepy as shit, but I was like six or seven so I just picked the largest catalog under the coffee table and shoved it in.

3) I was really into pen pals and wrote letters to our priest by dropping them in the collection basket at church. 

See, I’ve redeemed myself a little from #2 haven’t I?

4) I set a small patch of our living room carpet on fire by testing if kleenex was flammable. 

It is.

5) My favorite thing to be when playing “pretend” was an orphan. 

Orphans and underdogs were my heroes, and most of them could talk to animals, so I thought it sounded pretty good.

6) I was scared to go into our basement alone because I thought E.T. lived there, and I didn’t like his “sausage fingers.”

Go google image search “E.T. phone home” and look at those phalanges. They’re creepy.

7) It’s quite possible one of my Cabbage Patch Dolls has mold growing inside it, but I refused to let my mother take it from me. 

My baby Cabbage Patch, whose name was Adelle Patti, but I couldn’t pronounce Adelle at the time, so we always called her Patti developed some weird greenish grayish spots on her baby powder-scented head. I think my sister wanted us to send the doll in and see if they would “fix” her, but she was my favorite, and no one was getting near her.

8) I cut off the tip of my right index finger when I was three by sticking it in that thingy you use to hold screen doors open.

It’s still one of the only times my dad ever swore.

9) I really liked talking with different accents and voices, and I practiced them by reading out loud, alternating my voice with each page. 

To be fair, I did this when I was home alone, so I wasn’t bothering anyone.

10) When I couldn’t sleep at night, I would close my eyes then lift my eyelids up. Then when I opened my eyes, the lids make a clicking noise. 

One of my nieces does this now. My sister was telling me about how her daughter made these weird noises with her eyes, and I was like “You mean this?” And she was all “OMG! Yes, that’s disgusting.”

So tell me, is that weird?
You do these things too, don’t you? 

Want more shit I did as a kid? Want more awkward and funny stories? Want more signs I have no shame?

Then vote for me as Funniest Blog in The Indie Chicks’ Badass Blog Awards! Polls are open through Friday, and every vote (you get one a day) counts!

Oh, and please put in a good word for the illustrious August McLaughlin, author and radio host of the #GirlBoner series. She’s up for Best Blunt Blog and totally worthy.

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Throwback Thursday: I Call This My Anne of Green Gables Look

Since I’m writing about my childhood, I thought I’d share a few throwback thursday pics.

I call this one my Anne of Green Gables look. I mean, look at that straw hat!

Anne of Green Gables LookP.S. I am totally holding the lyric book to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat soundtrack.

I knew every word. Every. Word.

Love and Green Gables,

Jess

What Are You Writing About?

Rare sighting of the species Writer

Rare sighting of the species Writer

So Kait Nolan tagged me to do a blog update on my current work in progress. My first thought, cool! My second thought, that means I have tell people what I’m working on – SCARY!

However, this summer I’ve been challenging myself to get outside my comfort zone. A few examples of progress so far:

-I quit my job of 6 years to save my soul without any back up plan financially.

-I am currently preparing for an upcoming trip with my parents wherein I play tour guide – Bring. It. On.

-Spend more time writing and researching writing things. I am immersing myself in satirical writing, stalking people for writing sprints at the hashtag #wordmongering, I pitched to an agent for the first time, joined up with a local writers group, and now have a writing partner to check in with – or as I call him the Ledge Whisperer. *waves hi to Gene*

Here goes:

1. What is the name of your current WIP?

Oops Baby

2. Ready to do a cover reveal?

Not at all.

3. How many words are you into it?

A little over 33,000.

4. Goal word count by the end of the week?

45,000

5. Goal word count for the entire manuscript?

I’m thinking 50-60k would be normal for my genre.

6. What genre does your work in progress fall within?

Non-fiction: A collection of satirical essays.

7. When would you *like* to publish this project?

Before I Die.

8. Go to page 5 of your manuscript and pick a sentence at random to share with us!

My parents picked two days before Thanksgiving as the perfect time for me to get braces, and you can imagine how grateful I felt eating mashed potatoes and jello while everyone else went up for turkey dinner seconds.

9. Will this WIP turn into a series book? 

Um, no. But I have a second and third book planned that do include me and reoccurring characters, so sort of yes.

10. What has been the hardest challenge in working on this WIP?

Knowing some days I only write crap. That, and the fact my family all wants pseudonyms.

11. What has been your favorite part of working on this WIP?

The fact that my family all wants pseudonyms. They’re so funny.

Also, my word sprint crew is amazing! Shout outs to Diana Beebe, Debra Kristi, Tameri Etherton, Laura Irrgang, and Ryan King!

12. Any special treat planned for when you finish the final draft of your WIP?

 Dinner out with my honey sounds nice.

Instead of tagging just three people, I’d love for all of you to share what your WIP status is. Tell me about the book you’re writing or reading! If you’re published, share a link to your book page so we can find you! Let’s make the comments a get to know each other/build that ‘to read pile’ frenzy!

Happy writing and reading, Friends!

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