Left For Dead in Hixon…Again
It happened again.
Joe and I went hiking in Hixon Forest and barely made it out ALIVE!
See that? That’s the end of me crab walking down an 80° incline.
*****
Later That Day…
Jessica J. Witkins, 27, and Joseph L. Gantzer (31) were discovered dead off the trails in Hixon Forest. Their bodies had been half masticated by rabid deer. The corpses were identified from a shredded Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack known to belong to Gantzer. Witkins, though allergic to the sun, suffered no marks and looked gorgeous, even without make-up on. Her grace and beauty is a loss to us all.
The couple leaves behind an imaginary dog named Ron Burgundy, some unfinished laundry, and one slice of pizza in the fridge.
Services will be held on the lookout point at the top of Bicentennial Trail for anyone who can make it there without a compass.
*****
Ok, that’s not what happened!
But we TOTALLY got lost and had to scale the side of a bluff with loose soil for, like, EVER! And that was after walking through a teeny tiny “trail” uphill where the bugs surrounded me, and a snake slithered away, and there was long grass, and VELOCIRAPTORS!!!
Ok, I lied again, it wasn’t long grass, it was prairie grass.
Hixon Forest is described by the Myrick Hixon EcoPark as:
an 800-acre nature preserve within the city limits of La Crosse with more than 13 miles of hiking and ski trails that meander through diverse habitats, including forests, prairies, and blufflands. Connecting trails through the 1100-acre Mississippi River Marsh add more wildlife viewing possibilities. The trail system allows hikers to travel from the Mississippi River to the top of the bluffs without ever crossing a city street.
Translation:
Hixon Forest is big. So big in fact, that if you are lost, no shred of society will find you, but rattlesnakes will! Good luck, hikers!
I’ve taken it upon myself to draw out our hiking journey. Please see the map below.
See where the skull and crossbones are? Funny thing that… There was a trail. A very clear, wide trail. It wasn’t on the map, but it was a big trail. We decided to take it. But that wide trail became an itty bitty trail, and one that started scratching up my legs and looking like we were going to just dirt surf our way down the bluff.
I was NOT ok with this.
For the record, I didn’t pick this trail! This time it wasn’t my faulty directions that got us there. Therefore, I’d like to have my 1% voting rights back.
The last time Joe and I got lost in Hixon, it was my fault. He took away 1% voting rights leaving me with 49%, and him at 51%. I’d like that percent back now.
You decide!
*****
An outside party wishes me to note that they “had a blast. The adventure was great!” Said other party shall remain nameless.
Oops. How did that get there?
That was my weekend! How was yours? Do any hiking I should know about?
Love and Rattlesnakes,
Jess
Miss the first time we got lost in Hixon? Read all about it!
Safety Not Guaranteed
If you saw a classified ad offering you a chance to time travel, would you check it out?
That’s the premise of the recently released film, Safety Not Guaranteed, directed by newcomer Colin Trevorrow. Starring Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation), Jake Johnson (New Girl), and additional newcomer Mark Duplass (The League, The Mindy Project), this film is definitely a new guilty pleasure favorite of mine!
Utterly lovable characters, each with their own agendas and quirks, entwine paths by answering an unusual ad placed in a newspaper. There’s Jeff (Johnson), the magazine writer who finds the article and uses the story idea to vacay to a town where a lost girlfriend lives. Hitching along for the ride, are interns Darius (Plaza) and Arnau, who will get more involved then they mean to in the life of Kenneth (Duplass), the man on a mission to go back in time.
What the team isn’t banking on is their lives changing forever. Jeff’s fantasy isn’t all he thought it would be. Arnau may not be the rule abiding intern he thinks he is. And Darius’ world will forever change after she takes the roll of training with Kenneth to prepare for the launch date of their time travel. Perhaps some things aren’t as impossible as we think they may be.
Add in some secret agents, a covert operation to a laser technology facility, and some martial arts training on the beach, and we’ve got ourselves a whopper of a wonderfilm!
For many of the actors and crew involved, this film was a make it or break it story. They wanted to make a movie, but they knew it had to be well written and it would involve a lot of growth from everyone in the process. In my opinion, they did it exceptionally well.
If you had regret, and more specifically regret about the loss of a loved one, would you travel back? If you thought you could save them? In this central emotion, Darius and Kenneth connect, and though they might be crazy, they’re going to see it through.
Safety Not Guaranteed.
Have you seen this movie? What do you think?
Would you time travel if it was possible? Why would you go back and who would you take with you? Better yet, what would your classified ad look like?
Jess Witkins' Happiness Project 