Sooo, You’re Saying I’m Deformed?

Yes.

That is exactly what my doctor told me.

*****

Last Thursday Evening:

I sat down at my laptop to get some work done, but I had a tension headache interfere with my productivity. So I took it upon myself to stretch my neck out.

😀

Those of you who’ve been hanging out here for awhile…would you call me an impatient woman?

I’ve fully admitted I’m more of a “boot camp” over “baby steps” kind of girl. So, I stretched my neck with both hands on my head until…ZING!!

I managed to pull a muscle in my neck. Conveniently on the opposite side of my tension headache.

*****

Chiropractor doing adjustment on female patient.  White background.

Friday Afternoon at my Emergency Chiropractor’s Visit:

He REFUSED to do an adjustment because my muscles were too inflamed. AND, he made me take X-Rays.

*sulking*

Sonofa%$^&@!

*****

So I spent my Labor Day weekend on the couch with an ice pack behind my head.

*****

Fast Forward to Tuesday Afternoon’s Chiropractor’s Visit:

Entering the exam room with the excitement of what I can only describe as medicinal glee – not unlike children who skip on playgrounds – my doctor slapped my X-rays up on the chart.

Doc:  “Take a look!”

Me:  *stares at the underwire from my bra that shows up* Awkward!

Doc:  “See that.” (points to my hips) “Your left hip is sitting lower than your other one. I’m betting your headaches stem from a bigger issue. When did you stop growing?”

Me:  *stares at floor, mumbles* “Middle School”

Doc:  (laughing) “Well, we’re gonna measure your legs today and see if my hypothesis is true. But you see how your spine kind of curves from your hips and then over-corrects itself again at the base of your skull?”

Me:  “Sooo, you’re saying I’m deformed?”

Doc:  “Yes, exactly.”

Me:  “And I probably have a gimp?”

Doc:  “Most likely.”

*****

So according to my X-ray, my profile picture should look like Nosferatu.

I figure in a few years, I’ll only post pictures of my good side. (which will be what? My left earlobe? God, I hope something stays in place.)

For now, I’ll just take my gimp leg with me and go back to icing.

How was your week?

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42 responses

  1. You are one funny lady, Jess!! Hope the neck issue has resolved…

    1. Well if I do become homebound it’s a good excuse to read.

  2. Oh, please. People with perfectly straight spines are boring! Look how interesting that guy up top is. I think you’ve probably just found the source of your super powers, Jess! Embrace it. (Just, you know, don’t run around too much . . . with the gimp and all). 😉

    1. I’ve been thinking…and I’m really ok with changing the name of my blog to Nosferatu’s Happiness Project. I think it’s catchy.

  3. Jess, you can turn anything into a funny story. Is this episode going into your book?
    Seriously, I’m sorry to hear this. I’m afraid there’ll be more doctor visits in your future. you may have to wear special shoes to correct your gimpy leg.
    But you can decorate those shoes with glitter and sequins and your own artwork and everyone will just think they’re the latest trendy style. Everyone in Hollywood will start wearing them too and you’ll become a famous designer name! Then you should probably leave the incident out of your book so it won’t ruin the image.
    Anyway, the upside is that once fixed, your headaches will go away and no future back problems will likely bother you. You’ll end up with the best posture of your life and look taller. Really, it’s all going to be okay, Jess.

    1. All I heard was look taller. Say WHAT?!!

  4. So what you’re saying is, you’re not quite as perfect a human being as we had originally thought? No? *sigh* Okay, I suppose that’s alright…

    -Jimmy

    1. I’m still making pathetic look cool just doing it even more with a crick in my neck!

  5. This is hilarious!
    I did the same thing this week. I woke with a stiff neck yesterday and immediately stretched it. Wow! Did it snap back. I thought of a chiropractor, but I had Danny rub it and took 600 mg of Ibuprofen. When I woke up today, I resisted that urge to stretch my neck. It is a lot better.
    Don’t believe your Dr. I have one hip higher than the other. It is from being tighter on one side since I am a right handed tennis player who has always gotten left side injuries. There are exercises for it, and I did them for a while, but lately I am just glad to have my crazy deformed body! Talk about deformed. You should see my Frankenstein Barbie boobs!

    1. I’ll show you my underwire X-rays if you show me yours. 😉

      Thanks for the pep talk Susie! That is comforting to hear.

  6. A lot of people have that…I remember the nurse checking us for that in school. Hopefully you’ll be able to solve your headache problem! Keep prancing, I say 😉

    1. I heard it’s a new kind of exercise?! Prancercise – the act of dancing like a horse. ???

  7. Did he take the xray while you were lying down? I was falsely diagnosed with scoliosis back in high school because I was standing up. Luckily they took more x-rays while on my back before surgery!

  8. Yep, Jess, you should get a second opinion. Also, I hope that damn headache goes away! Just remember, what’s uncomfortable in your twenties is excruciating in your older years, so get it fixed NOW. 🙂

    1. Yah…I’m looking it. Ugh!

  9. Now you’ve got me worried (although after a good giggle, so thanks) because I have always suffered with headaches. Hope whatever the cause, you get a break soon. 😀 XX

    1. Let’s just rip the band-aid off Shah. You’re probably a deformed gimp like me and we should start planning National Gimp Awareness Month now, because it takes time to build a paper machier float in the shape of a bungled up femur bone!

  10. Have they quit teaching bedside manners in medical school?

    1. I just have one of those personalities…you can insult me or make things really awkward and I’ll keep smiling. It’s a tick from working in retail so long.

      1. Oh – like thinking you are supposed to put on a name tag when you get dressed?

  11. I have numerous deformities so can I join you in prancing around??? I have cervical stenosis among other things. Neck issues are so tough!! I ditto the second opinion. Hang in there. 🙂

    1. You want to build the parade float with Shah and I? 😉

  12. I don’t know about deformities but I am “abby normal” as my doctor and I both agree.

    1. Lol. Love that movie!

      Shah and I are going to make a Gimp Awareness parade float. You should coordinate the marching band. We’ll call it Abby Normal the Flourescent Underwires!

  13. You’re hilarious, my friend. Gimpy gimp and all. My chiro told me I had two different lengths in my legs, too. I guess I’m right there with you on the deformity scale. Yay! Gimp sisters!

    I hope the tension headache went away. Oh, and I’ll remember that about underwires showing up on x-rays. Awkward indeed.

    1. For a fleeting moment I felt pride. Like “Gosh my boobs look pretty good!” And then it occurred to me that was the wire and I’m probably not that symmetrical. Damnit!

  14. I, for one, am going to start calling you Forrest and urging you to run. Also, expect a box of chocolates on your birthday.

    1. Ooh my birthday’s coming up! Can I have maple bacon chocolates?!

  15. Hope your neck feels better! (Just a point of interest, apparently dimples are considered birth defects/deformities, too. I think they’re cute deformities, and I’m not just saying that because I have one…LOL!)

    1. Dimples?! What next freckles? I’m doomed!

      1. LOL! Yes. An ex-boyfriend told me that. Not gonna lie. I punched him in the stomach. Not hard enough to hurt him…just hard enough for him to know I didn’t find him funny.

  16. Prancercise. That’s hilarious! That is so great Jess. I think you should start a new dictionary my friend. Sorry to hear about your headaches. That is nothing to fool around with. I hope you find the solution soon. Take good care of yourself and enjoy your weekend. 🙂

    1. Can you see it? A breakout prancercise session at all the writers conferences! I’m so gonna bring sequin leg warmers for this!

  17. Wow, Jess! There’s this whole Wallace thing we have. I’m only 5′ 4″ most of it legs, and like you, I have a slightly shorter right leg. My father pointed this out to me when I was about 4, because we ALL have the same genetic trait. This never stopped me from running like a horse or jumping fences like one, either. I fell once on ice, when I lived in Ann Arbor and got whiplash, but didn’t find this out, until 12 or 13 years later. So, my neck vertebrae, rather than that gentle “C” is flat and caused tremendous pain. I had to sleep with a rolled-up towel under my neck for a year and have physical therapy to get that straightened out. Playing the viola wasn’t really affected by it, I would just have these frozen muscles in my neck every now and then, but it’s fixed now. What I really want is that Legos, licorice and duct tape thingamajig! Thanks!

    1. It really is comforting to hear from so many of you who have the same “deformity.” LOL The doctor freaked me out with his whole list of overpriced treatment plan. Yah, I’m not going through with that.

      I do have a pillow that works like your rolled up towel. It’s comfortable except I roll around a lot while I sleep, so it doesn’t always work the best.

  18. Oh, man. I’d be more concerned except it seems my xrays from my back surgery two years ago were very similar – and the spine specialist informed me such an over-correction is quite normal. So, probably a second opinion is definitely in order. Of course, if you wish to milk the deformity diagnosis, who am I to stop you??? 🙂

    1. Lol. Yah I don’t live with a guy who’d fall for that. He’d get me an ice pack and I’d be on my own the remainder of the evening.

  19. The last time I went to the chiropractor she said I had mild scolosis. Nice.

    1. Oooh I hope you put a veil on your backbrace at the wedding. 😉

  20. […] Turns out, my tooth is just dirty! That sure made me feel better. Almost as good as that time my chiropractor told me I am deformed or when the ER doctor laughed at my face […]

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