Surviving the Apocalypse…With Infomercials

The Apocalypse Has Arrived…

in Piper Bayard’s new book!

Firelands

Eighty years in the future, America has devolved into a totalitarian theocracy. The ruling Josephites clone the only seeds that grow in the post-apocalyptic climate, allowing their Prophet to control who eats, who starves, and who burns in the ritual fires that atone for society.

Subsisting on the fringes, Archer risks violation and death each day as she scours the forest for game to feed her people. When a Josephite refugee seeks sanctuary in her home, Archer is driven to chance a desperate gambleβ€”a gamble that will bring down the Prophet and deliver seeds and freedom, or end in a fiery death for herself and for everyone she loves.

Seeds are life . . . Seeds are power . . . Seeds are the only hope of a despairing people. What will Archer do for the seeds of freedom, and what will she justify in their name?

*****

If you don’t follow Piper’s blog, you’re missing out! She, and her partner in espionage, Holmes, take on current events, the lives of spies, and a fantastic series called “The End of the World is Near…(And We Deserve it Too)” – which features all those crazy YouTube videos we see that make us scratch us our heads.

In honor of her new book, Piper’s hosting an Apocalypse Challenge for readers and bloggers! YOU CAN STILL ENTER! Click the link to see her great Apocalypse Prize Package (it includes BACON!)! Winners will be announced on July 19th!

I thought I’d take a cue from my friend Piper and dream up how I’d survive the apocalypse…

ON NOTHING BUT INFOMERCIAL GOODS!!!

Muahahahahaha

How to Survive the Apocalypse With Infomercial Goods:

1. First things first. Food preservation.

In Firelands, it’s all about being able to eat. So I hope I face the Apocalypse with Gyro Bowl!

Whew! Now I don’t have to worry about spilling any of my snacks, and I can keep my food fresh! When I’m done eating, I can store things in my Gyro Bowl too…like bullets!

2. Cardio.

Haven’t you seen Zombieland? It’s always about the cardio! You’re going to need a Shake Weight. Get that heart rate pumping some red gold!

Just shake it!

3. Find a friend!

There’s safety in numbers. And who wants to travel alone anyway? I hope I get to hike through an apocalyptic no man’s land with Perfect Polly.

There are so many advantages to Perfect Polly, I don’t know where to begin!

4. Get some zzz’s.

You may need to sleep where you can find it. That could mean camping. *shudder* Wherever I have to lay down, I’m bringing my Chillow!

It’s going to be so nice to have when the Godfire reigns down.

5. Be prepared.

When facing the apocalypse, you have to be ready for anything. I can’t think of a better multi-purpose tool than a Sham Wow Towel.

My boyfriend thought these were so cool, he gave them to me as an anniversary gift. #TrueStory

Then I made him buy me a new anniversary gift.Β  πŸ˜€

That’s how I’d take on the apocalypse!

What would you want to pack with you?

And be sure to get a copy of Piper’s new book, Firelands!

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15 responses

  1. LMAO! What a great entry! I hadn’t thought about the Shake Weight as an Apocalypse necessity, but I think you’re on to something, along with the Sham Wow Towels. Great entry, Jess. Thank you! πŸ™‚

    1. I’m most excited about Perfect Polly myself. When you move, she turns to look at you!

      *cue creepy end of world music*

  2. Love it! I’m thinking knives, though. Infomercial knives. I might need something sharp enough to cut through metal.

    1. What if you had those Peeling Gloves. You could just slowly peel away the metal. You’d be free in just under 10 hours!

  3. Ha! This is awesome.

    Someone should record a day in the life of the infomercial apocalypse

    1. Ooooh I want to be in that film! Dibs on Perfect Polly!

  4. While the ShamWow is all well and good, and probably a much needed accessory, you have forgotten about a very important tool that will be needed for the Apocalypse . . . The Schticky!! You can use it on the dog, on the couch, on yourself . . . to get out zombie blood, presumably! Maybe even as a weapon. It’s uses are endless, as you can see!

    1. Oooh I’ll add that to my shopping cart! I wonder if I could climb trees with this thing… In your face, Spider-Man!

    2. LOL. Awesome. I need a schticky…you know, just in case there’s an apocalypse.

  5. Hilarious! I’ve been following Piper for a bit now and love her blog! I have also been wondering how the Chillow works! I’m thinking of getting it in preparation for the ‘night sweats’ that are lingering around ready to attack me any day now. πŸ™‚

    1. I think it’s creepy how everyone smiles in their sleep with a chillow. It’s eerie!

  6. I want a Chillow, just because it’s fun to say. Kind of like “chillaxing.” But I could do without the Apocalypse…

    1. Where’s your sense of adventure? You could find and eat the last geoduck!

  7. […] Jess Witkins of the Happiness Project teaches us the important use of Infomercials when surviving an apoclaypse. Surviving the Apocalypse . . . With Infomercials […]

  8. […] Surviving the Apocalypse…With Infomercials (jesswitkins.wordpress.com) […]

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